Heart is breaking but not sure why....
The dream I had last night won't leave me.
It was so unbearable I pulled myself awake.
It was strangely familiar, so I'm guessing I have to look at it.
It was Christmas day and I visited my sisters house. The two kids were waking and the younger had lots of presents..... My sister turned to my runaway niece and pointed to her 'empty' pile of presents and told her this was what she deserved for her behaviour......my niece didn't react in the dream but crawled into a huddle underneath a basket of coats.
I begged and begged my sister to pull out some presents but she wouldn't.
An unbelievable amount of melancholy
I don't know what it signified
Maybe me begging my dad when he forbid me to see my best friend ever again when he fell out with her mum.... This was a best friend I saw every day...suddenly taken away from me
The wreched sadness
The pain
The fact I am now helpless to help my niece?
The grief it is now time to leave my family?
This hibernation of mine has become restrictive and it's now time to live
But I know I have to visit the past first and I don't want to
This weekend my sister talked about coming home from school with me and her bedroom door been knocked down (it was the only door with a lock on it in the house and my mum had hidden in the room when we were at school but dad had knocked it down to get to her). I have no memory of this but she says I was with her.
Why can't I remember?
It was so unbearable I pulled myself awake.
It was strangely familiar, so I'm guessing I have to look at it.
It was Christmas day and I visited my sisters house. The two kids were waking and the younger had lots of presents..... My sister turned to my runaway niece and pointed to her 'empty' pile of presents and told her this was what she deserved for her behaviour......my niece didn't react in the dream but crawled into a huddle underneath a basket of coats.
I begged and begged my sister to pull out some presents but she wouldn't.
An unbelievable amount of melancholy
I don't know what it signified
Maybe me begging my dad when he forbid me to see my best friend ever again when he fell out with her mum.... This was a best friend I saw every day...suddenly taken away from me
The wreched sadness
The pain
The fact I am now helpless to help my niece?
The grief it is now time to leave my family?
This hibernation of mine has become restrictive and it's now time to live
But I know I have to visit the past first and I don't want to
This weekend my sister talked about coming home from school with me and her bedroom door been knocked down (it was the only door with a lock on it in the house and my mum had hidden in the room when we were at school but dad had knocked it down to get to her). I have no memory of this but she says I was with her.
Why can't I remember?
Replies
Hi gbt
I\'m sure you will remember when you are ready if you are meant to. I have lots of blank spaces in my memories of my childhood. Some, I have recovered and they could be pretty awful, others....? Just be aware that if it was too terrible to remember then it is your little child \'surviving\' and was a way to help you to survive. It also could be life was so dull there isn\'t much to remember. Your dreams do talk to you. Usually for me, what I don\'t want to deal with, remember, visit the past, look at my behaviors, etc, is what I most need to deal with or work on. I have the intuition that you are a pretty warm ,caring person. Try not to beat yourself up about these things (I usually do) and just be gentle with yourself. I have found that when we step back sort of and let things happen in their own time it\'s usually not as bad as we are afraid they will be. Some dreams are hard on us, for sure. Remember where you are emotionally now, sounds like a good place. hope this helps a little.
rick
xxx
Your sis might be remembering wrongly.Don\'t worry too much if you have no memory of it.Some stuff you will not have experienced in the same ways as you sis. Others you just have to let go.
Christmas is a real trigger -everything gets heightened. Just take each day at a time until you get there. Don\'t react to anything your sis and mum might say about the upcoming holiday. Don\'t go anywhere you don\'t want to go or do anything you don\'t want to do. Keep yourself safe. Keep your boundaries in place, and the door chink open for niece, well that\'s what I would do. xxxxx
I agree with Pitstop, keep your boundaries firmly in place right now. You could be dragged through a lot of nonsense that you\'ve been trying so hard to break free of.
Grief is not an object that will overcome you. You don\'t have to be afraid of it. You can face it, you can experience it and let it pass through you. Doing that will ultimately free you of it. I have found these thoughts helpful for me when facing my own grief.
(((HUG)))