heart broken

People say that time heals all pain and mostly I have found this to be true but the situation I am in now with my daughter and granddaughter I don't beleive that any amount of time will heal the pain.My heart is already hurting but I am so afraid that in the near future it will be shattered in a million peices never to be mended back together again.I told my d that if my gd is put up for adoption and I do not get to bring her home where she belongs, I will never forgive her and that I don't ever want to see or talk to her again as long as I live.I will always love her but I don't think I can ever forgive her.The things that she has done to her children is too much for me to bare.I would gladly give my very life for my children or grandchildren and she won't even give up the drugs!!!I have always been told that there is a very thin line between love and hate and I am so afraid that she has pushed me to far on the other side.It is a horrible feeling when love and hate are warring inside your heart.I feel like I am being torn apart from the inside.I can't sleep,eat or concentrate on anything but what is going on with her and the baby.I always feel like I am on the verge of crying!!I am taking my other 3 grandchildren to the zoo tomorrow,how am I supposed to enjoy the day knowing she isn't here to go with us?I know that I have to try for them but it is so hard!!!Why do I love and worry about this child so much that I haven't even been allowed to see?But how can I not,when she is a part of me?Some times I think that I wish my d had never been born but then I remember that beautifull baby the doctor layed in my arms,all fresh and wide-eyed and looking at her new world,then I know that's not true.She has hurt me beyond repair but I do love her and could never truely regret having her.And I look at the 3 beautifull grandchildren she has given me and I know that I can never hate her because they are a part of her,the best part!!! I fully beleive that you can love someone and not like them  or have them in your life.