Health, Jerred and Life
Well all the blood tests I had taken came back perfect yet I was no better. When I went in for the results I could feel the tears coming as it reminded me of when I first got sick with my fibro and went through tests over and over again and everything came back perfect, NO ANSWERS!! Talking with my specialist he was as confused as I was and I believe as frustrated. He said well we have a few options we can run some other tests and see what pops up, we can medicate with more steroids and antibiotics and see if that knocks it out or we can do a bronchoscopy. I said what do you recommend and he looked at my tear filled face and said you have been dealing with this long enough now I think we should do the bronchoscopy as that WILL give us something. Well I talked to the nurse yesterday as the test set me way back with breathing problems, so I asked her if she could tell me if anything was found and before she could say no I said you do not need to tell me anything other then yes or no, not what it is or anything like that. At least now when I see the Dr. tomorrow we can do a treatment program and hopefully I will be back to how I was prior to the pneumonia.
This test had had me really scared as they put water in your lungs and flush them out. All I could imagine was drowning, which is how Jerred, my angel, died. I could not get past them going to put water in my lungs. I told this to the Dr. and he lied and said they just mist your lungs. Well I saw the jar of fluid they threw away after they had taken out what they needed for the tests. I worried myself sick and cried and had so many memories of Jerred. The Sunday before the test I took Tim my S/O, out to meet Jerred. That is something I do not do is take many out to the grave, that is my boys and my private area and only certain people are let in. Tim knew how special and important it was that I invited him out there. It was a leary moment for me when we got there at first but he knew and let me lead and he followed. The best thing was he automatically stooped down and put his hand on the stone and said Hi to Jerred, then he started pulling weeds from around the site as I put in the ground 2 froggies for him. He was all boy and loved bugs and anything like that so my boys and I always put things like that out to keep him company.
Visiting Jerred's grave site did not calm my fears at all even knowing that Jerred died a very peaceful death and was not afraid. In fact it made them worse. Until this time I never realized I had such a fear now of drowning. I have no problem going swimming or boating, but the idea of them putting water in my lungs did a major number on me. After the test my lungs flared up badly. I was running a temp and felt as bad as I had when I first got diagnosed in January. I was on the phone the next two days with the Dr. who then put me back on antibiotics and steroids. Then I spoke to the nurse yesterday as they wanted to make sure my weekend went ok. So since I had her I asked if the results were in yet and she said yes. I said I know you can not tell anything really but you can say yes or no, she replied yeah I can do that what do you want to know? I said just tell me if the test came back all negative/normal or if something was found. And yes something was found. Needles to say this in an odd way makes me happy because now he knows what he is up against and can form a treatment plan and get me back to better health.
So that was all going on with me, and Tim was worried for me but he had his own issues. First his car broke down to the point of no return. He just started this job 2 weeks ago so he had to figure out how to get to and from work until he could get another car. Thank goodness his dad loaned him his car then a young man that works with him told him he was buying a car and Tim could buy it from him, it just needed an alternator and this kid said he would fix it. What he did not tell Tim was he needed the money to pay for any of it. So the boss paid for the car and it took instead of over the weekend before this past one to get the car until this last Sunday afternoon.
So needless to say both of us had attitudes not conducive to working on a newer relationship, just the opposite. But I am happy to say even with the minor arguments we were able to work through them and hear what the other was saying and understand. That is saying alot since I have been on my own for 8 years and he has for 3 so there is a lot of independence issues to out grow.By both not just one of us. Now tomorrow I go to the Dr and find everything out and to say I am not scared is a total lie. But I need to know and start getting this issue taken care as over 4 months is way too long suffer like this.
This test had had me really scared as they put water in your lungs and flush them out. All I could imagine was drowning, which is how Jerred, my angel, died. I could not get past them going to put water in my lungs. I told this to the Dr. and he lied and said they just mist your lungs. Well I saw the jar of fluid they threw away after they had taken out what they needed for the tests. I worried myself sick and cried and had so many memories of Jerred. The Sunday before the test I took Tim my S/O, out to meet Jerred. That is something I do not do is take many out to the grave, that is my boys and my private area and only certain people are let in. Tim knew how special and important it was that I invited him out there. It was a leary moment for me when we got there at first but he knew and let me lead and he followed. The best thing was he automatically stooped down and put his hand on the stone and said Hi to Jerred, then he started pulling weeds from around the site as I put in the ground 2 froggies for him. He was all boy and loved bugs and anything like that so my boys and I always put things like that out to keep him company.
Visiting Jerred's grave site did not calm my fears at all even knowing that Jerred died a very peaceful death and was not afraid. In fact it made them worse. Until this time I never realized I had such a fear now of drowning. I have no problem going swimming or boating, but the idea of them putting water in my lungs did a major number on me. After the test my lungs flared up badly. I was running a temp and felt as bad as I had when I first got diagnosed in January. I was on the phone the next two days with the Dr. who then put me back on antibiotics and steroids. Then I spoke to the nurse yesterday as they wanted to make sure my weekend went ok. So since I had her I asked if the results were in yet and she said yes. I said I know you can not tell anything really but you can say yes or no, she replied yeah I can do that what do you want to know? I said just tell me if the test came back all negative/normal or if something was found. And yes something was found. Needles to say this in an odd way makes me happy because now he knows what he is up against and can form a treatment plan and get me back to better health.
So that was all going on with me, and Tim was worried for me but he had his own issues. First his car broke down to the point of no return. He just started this job 2 weeks ago so he had to figure out how to get to and from work until he could get another car. Thank goodness his dad loaned him his car then a young man that works with him told him he was buying a car and Tim could buy it from him, it just needed an alternator and this kid said he would fix it. What he did not tell Tim was he needed the money to pay for any of it. So the boss paid for the car and it took instead of over the weekend before this past one to get the car until this last Sunday afternoon.
So needless to say both of us had attitudes not conducive to working on a newer relationship, just the opposite. But I am happy to say even with the minor arguments we were able to work through them and hear what the other was saying and understand. That is saying alot since I have been on my own for 8 years and he has for 3 so there is a lot of independence issues to out grow.By both not just one of us. Now tomorrow I go to the Dr and find everything out and to say I am not scared is a total lie. But I need to know and start getting this issue taken care as over 4 months is way too long suffer like this.
Replies
So sorry for all of your health issues and wishing you healing and relief.
Loving care,
XO Joanie