healing vs. guilt
isn't it funny that recovery sometimes makes you feel guilt? I have been in such a state of despair and sadness that as I am healing, I find myself feeling guilty. Like I am forever responsible for mourning the loss of our little heartbeat and "getting past it" somehow implies I didn't care, love or feel enough. Of course I know that's not true. But guilt is never a rational feeling.
the good news is I can honestly say that I am no longer in that darkest of places - those first two weeks after my loss. I thought I would never recover from that moment and my heart would never be put back together.
yesterday made four weeks, and I am able to get out of bed, go to work, laugh again, eat...function. the tears come, but not as often and I can talk about it without immediately crying.
my devestation has turned into a heavy heart. every day, every minute - my heart is heavy. it's just a sadness that sticks to my bones. it's not dibilitating, but it is with me every moment - day and night (and I say night b'c I am having nightmares and I never have had them before, really).
BUT. I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving. My short term goal is to make it through the holidays as best as I can. I accept that this will not be a wonderful holiday season (a time I normally love and enjoy with so much love and happiness). I have accepted that it is ok for my birthday this month to come and go, as I feel no joy or "celebration" in my heart. and it is ok. I am not punishing myself. I just don't feel it.
2014 is almost here and I welcome it with open arms. I know my pain won't just disappear at that point, but it's a new start, a clean slate and I cannot wait.
love you all.
the good news is I can honestly say that I am no longer in that darkest of places - those first two weeks after my loss. I thought I would never recover from that moment and my heart would never be put back together.
yesterday made four weeks, and I am able to get out of bed, go to work, laugh again, eat...function. the tears come, but not as often and I can talk about it without immediately crying.
my devestation has turned into a heavy heart. every day, every minute - my heart is heavy. it's just a sadness that sticks to my bones. it's not dibilitating, but it is with me every moment - day and night (and I say night b'c I am having nightmares and I never have had them before, really).
BUT. I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving. My short term goal is to make it through the holidays as best as I can. I accept that this will not be a wonderful holiday season (a time I normally love and enjoy with so much love and happiness). I have accepted that it is ok for my birthday this month to come and go, as I feel no joy or "celebration" in my heart. and it is ok. I am not punishing myself. I just don't feel it.
2014 is almost here and I welcome it with open arms. I know my pain won't just disappear at that point, but it's a new start, a clean slate and I cannot wait.
love you all.
Replies
I am so happy to hear you are starting to feel better! I hope 2014 is the year for many of us! Hugs!
I\'m happy to hear that you understand the pain you feel is part of the healing process. And, it is OK to feel better as time goes on. I\'ve never been pregnant, so I can\'t imagine how hard it is to feel that bond, and then have to move past it. I\'m sorry for your loss, and I hope that you get through each day, and especially the holidays with ease. I hope that 2014 is a great year for you!
My counselor told me a long time ago that having moments, days, or weeks of happiness does not mean you have forgotten your loss, it doesn\'t mean you won\'t still grieve. The grief will come in moments and waves just like the happieness will. Infertility and miscarriage becomes a part of you, it\'s just sometimes it is on the back burner and sometimes the front. You have to acknowledge all of your feelings as you have them and know that you don\'t have to be in one state of mind all of the time. I am glad you are recognizing that in yourself. It is part of the healing process.
So glad you are beginning to heal and are in a better place. I hope 2014 is a wonderful year :)
I am all too familiar with all things \"guilt related\"! It really is a useless and irrational feeling. I am glad that you can see that too! Its important to grieve, heal and let go of pain but it absolutely does not mean that we forget the loss or heartache we experienced. It changes us forever but I pray those changes that you experience will be for the better. You are an amazing, caring, strong woman and I wish you much peace and healing as 2013 comes to an end so that you can jump into 2014 renewed and ready for a great year!
wow....you ladies are amazing. I never ceases to stun me how alike our feelings are. I am so thankful to have been told about this website. I really appreciate your words and wish all of your the peace we SO deserve. xoxo
wow, I could have written this! I have been feeling disconnected from my loss, like it was all a dream and never happened. and I feel bad that I\'m not honoring my baby better (enter guilt). There are just so many emotions and so many moments with different ones. Maybe the hardest thing to do is not judge our feelings but just honor them. I need to work more on that! I\'m happy to hear you sound like you are getting back into life, and looking towards 2014. I say a huge cheers to 2014 and getting thru the holidays in one piece. Hugs
Hopeful, we can do this together.
I know the feelings you described so well. I think I am \"over\" my losses until all the feelings come flooding back, triggered so easily by a song or sight. I too have feelings of guilt about my feelings! At some point, I developed superstitious thinking that made me fearful my thoughts or disposition would change the outcome of situations. I struggle with that in trying to conceive again. My default is to react as if the worst is happening because deeply embedded is this feeling that preparing for the worst means I\'m humble and humble people deserve the good things. It is also \"protection\" for the worst scenario if it happens. But, all of this is illusion. I am trying to remain positive in spite of myself! We all deserve all the love and happiness in the world. We deserve to be mothers and those little ones deserve us! You will continue to grieve and however you do it is completely the right way it should be done. I wish you as much laughter and joy as possible while you are going through it Hugs to you
I read this post and first I see is what a strong woman you are. To have experienced that loss first and be able to talk about it, not only to help yourself but to help those that might have experienced the same. Also, you are beginning to heal, which is wonderful. Guilt I believe it part of the healing process. You are an amazing, wonderful woman. It will get better and while the feeling of loss may never completely go away, you will come away with this feeling stronger, more able to cope with any experience that might come your way. While I have not ever been pregnant I do understand the guilt associated with IF. I hope you know that we are all here for you, love you and will do what we can to help you with whatever you need. Sending you lots of hugs.....
So sorry to hear about your recent loss, big loving hugs! You sound like you\'re in a healthy place as far as grieving your loss and that is about the best you can expect from yourself when something as shitty as this happens and I will be here if you need me during the crap holidays, I know first hand how much they suck for us IF gals!! XO