Healing the Shame that binds me!
I have started a new class at the Y on Friday mornings; chair Yoga. Before I go any further, I will give a little detail about my RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis). Due to RA, the fingers on my right hand have become quite disfigured and the Dr. informed me the other day my shoulder joints are pretty much disintegrated; therefore, I do not have the ability to lift my shoulders high or straighten my fingers on my right hand.
When I started this Yoga class, I felt so much shame, i.e.: Are people looking at my back and noticing the disfigurement; are people thinking "you poor thing". are people thinking XYZ. I had the realization it really didn't matter what people were thinking, it mattered what I was thinking.
If I saw someone in the same situation as myself, I would think "what a brave and courageous person" or "how awesome it is for her to do this class", etc. My thoughts of myself were: are people watching and judging me, talking about me, making fun of me, etc. It saddens me to think I judge myself so because of my outer appearance.
This class has presented me with the opportunity to look beyond physical appearances of myself and acknowledge my inner goodness that hopefully way out weighs my outer physique.
Growing up, body image was huge in my family and there was always so much shame in simply gaining 5 lbs. or having a zit. When my son had to wear glasses at three, I thought my Dad would have a fit. So you see, this shame is deep in my psyche. This shame I hold/held has come to surface, or I would not be in a class where the expectation is to reach fingers as much as you can (which I can't on right hand) or put arms straight on in hold position (which I can't do either). I am getting better about seeing how brave I am to enter into a uncomfortable situation and hold to the believe that I am more than my body. I am still not totally comfortable with doing this, but I am getting better.
What's so funny to me is I have tried to hide this disfigurement for several years now and I do believe the joke is on me. People notice it all the time. Talk about denial. :-)
Happy Sunday...and the beat goes on! xo
When I started this Yoga class, I felt so much shame, i.e.: Are people looking at my back and noticing the disfigurement; are people thinking "you poor thing". are people thinking XYZ. I had the realization it really didn't matter what people were thinking, it mattered what I was thinking.
If I saw someone in the same situation as myself, I would think "what a brave and courageous person" or "how awesome it is for her to do this class", etc. My thoughts of myself were: are people watching and judging me, talking about me, making fun of me, etc. It saddens me to think I judge myself so because of my outer appearance.
This class has presented me with the opportunity to look beyond physical appearances of myself and acknowledge my inner goodness that hopefully way out weighs my outer physique.
Growing up, body image was huge in my family and there was always so much shame in simply gaining 5 lbs. or having a zit. When my son had to wear glasses at three, I thought my Dad would have a fit. So you see, this shame is deep in my psyche. This shame I hold/held has come to surface, or I would not be in a class where the expectation is to reach fingers as much as you can (which I can't on right hand) or put arms straight on in hold position (which I can't do either). I am getting better about seeing how brave I am to enter into a uncomfortable situation and hold to the believe that I am more than my body. I am still not totally comfortable with doing this, but I am getting better.
What's so funny to me is I have tried to hide this disfigurement for several years now and I do believe the joke is on me. People notice it all the time. Talk about denial. :-)
Happy Sunday...and the beat goes on! xo
Replies
Well done being brave Vicki. I think it\'s wonderful you are doing this class because in the long run in will benefit you hugely. I\'m coming to terms with my body ageing and that looks do not define us... Sending you the biggest hugs xxx
My whole growing up years was based on looks. Every time there were family gatherings, it was about weight, weight, weight...and who looks the best, etc. Yes, learning our bodies do not define us, has been a challenge for me. But, I am getting there. I do water 5 days a week at the Y; this class was offered before my Aqua Zumba and I thought \"what the heck!\" It\'s been a great healing lesson for me! xo
XO. Learning that our appearance does not define us is a relieving lesson for any recovering co-dependent. Worrying about how the invisible judges judge our inner worth is a major fear; fear causes stress, stress causes irrational fears for coping with the imaginary fears. Or something like that. You are doing your best, and as long as your best is accepted as good enough for you, no one else\'s opinion of you really matters. Their opinion would be their problem to resolve, not yours. You get to choose what matters to you, unless you choose to let someone else choose for you for what they want you to do to make them happy instead of you. But it\'s still your choice, and you\'re making good choices.
XO
Thanks Rosie and Rich! Have a Blessed Monday! xo
My friend with MS has expressed this shame that you described here. When she told me that she is certain people are judging her for being to young to use a walker or wheel chair... I told her it\'s not her they are judging, it is their own vulnerability they fear. I believe this to be true. People are afraid of what you are bravely facing, Vicki. I don\'t believe the joke is on YOU. I believe the joke is on any one of us who would dare to believe we are above and beyond the vulnerability you are daring greatly to confront.
Lisa: Thank-you. I meant the joke is on me if I think people do not notice. I have not encountered anyone who is not compassionate, kind and considerate to me; it\'s my own insecurities that have created thoughts of \"what will people say!\" All my clients, friends have been great! Thank-you again! xo