Healing and Hope
It's been awhile it seems... the m/c seemed to drag out forever with weekly blood draws still showing chemical pregnancy. Nothing helps you heal like seeing that you're still pregnant week after week but knowing there's no baby at the end! <sarcasm of course>
Now that I'm not pregnant anymore officially, I have been trying to enjoy life once again. So far I've been somewhat successful, except I love food and wine and especially dessert and I've had to go on a serious diet to try to lose the extra weight I gained from IVF. I've lost 3 lbs so far but I have at least another 8 to go to be really happy with myself and fit into everything that I used to wear.
I have the big blood draw next Friday for the recurrent miscarriage panel. I never thought I'd see those items checked on a lab sheet for myself. My follow up to hear the results isn't until Sept. 21 since some of the things they are checking for take several weeks (MTHFR, etc.). Since that appointment will pretty much dictate if we are able to prepare for our FET, I made a very real decision to stop letting infertility control my life. For the past 4 months, I have planned everything I do around treatment; what I ate, how much I slept, when we could go places, how I could exercise, etc. etc. I will no longer be doing that. We booked a trip for the first week in November. If the RE says we can prep to do the FET at the end of October, we're going to have to push that back and wait a month and go for November instead. I cannot be controlled by this any longer. I feel like I'm losing precious years of my life completely panicked about something I simply have no control over.
Since we're utterly broke, I was able to use some extra money I have made at our family's business to pay for our upcoming cruise, and I was able to use frequent flyer miles to pay for both my and DH's flights to and from San Juan. I cannot wait to go on vacation again and really enjoy our time away and also breathe some life back into our marriage.
We also had a serious conversation about the "what ifs". Since I'm always more comfortable when there is a back up plan, we have decided that we'll try this transfer now, and if that doesn't work, we'll wait until spring to keep trying (to get the $$) until we're out of frozen embryos. If that doesn't work, we've decided that financially, emotionally, and physically we will not go through another round of IVF. We have decided instead to invest ourselves and our money into something with a guarantee at the end of the day and we will adopt a Korean baby(s). We have an agency in metro Detroit that comes highly recommended from a few family friends. We feel that if the FETs don't work, God is telling us that there will be a baby(s) out there that desperately needs a good home and loving parents and that's where we come in. I feel much better about everything knowing we have come to this conclusion. As much as I want our frozen embryos to work, I know that adopting will be ok too.
So for now I am getting excited focusing on our trip and reading about the islands we'll visit, the food we'll eat, the things we'll do and the balcony we'll relax on every day on our ship. And I can't wait to remember what DH and I were like before infertility took over every aspect of our lives. I remain confident that God knows exactly why we're going through what we're going through; Rome wasn't built overnight. :) My faith is strong and God is great!
Now that I'm not pregnant anymore officially, I have been trying to enjoy life once again. So far I've been somewhat successful, except I love food and wine and especially dessert and I've had to go on a serious diet to try to lose the extra weight I gained from IVF. I've lost 3 lbs so far but I have at least another 8 to go to be really happy with myself and fit into everything that I used to wear.
I have the big blood draw next Friday for the recurrent miscarriage panel. I never thought I'd see those items checked on a lab sheet for myself. My follow up to hear the results isn't until Sept. 21 since some of the things they are checking for take several weeks (MTHFR, etc.). Since that appointment will pretty much dictate if we are able to prepare for our FET, I made a very real decision to stop letting infertility control my life. For the past 4 months, I have planned everything I do around treatment; what I ate, how much I slept, when we could go places, how I could exercise, etc. etc. I will no longer be doing that. We booked a trip for the first week in November. If the RE says we can prep to do the FET at the end of October, we're going to have to push that back and wait a month and go for November instead. I cannot be controlled by this any longer. I feel like I'm losing precious years of my life completely panicked about something I simply have no control over.
Since we're utterly broke, I was able to use some extra money I have made at our family's business to pay for our upcoming cruise, and I was able to use frequent flyer miles to pay for both my and DH's flights to and from San Juan. I cannot wait to go on vacation again and really enjoy our time away and also breathe some life back into our marriage.
We also had a serious conversation about the "what ifs". Since I'm always more comfortable when there is a back up plan, we have decided that we'll try this transfer now, and if that doesn't work, we'll wait until spring to keep trying (to get the $$) until we're out of frozen embryos. If that doesn't work, we've decided that financially, emotionally, and physically we will not go through another round of IVF. We have decided instead to invest ourselves and our money into something with a guarantee at the end of the day and we will adopt a Korean baby(s). We have an agency in metro Detroit that comes highly recommended from a few family friends. We feel that if the FETs don't work, God is telling us that there will be a baby(s) out there that desperately needs a good home and loving parents and that's where we come in. I feel much better about everything knowing we have come to this conclusion. As much as I want our frozen embryos to work, I know that adopting will be ok too.
So for now I am getting excited focusing on our trip and reading about the islands we'll visit, the food we'll eat, the things we'll do and the balcony we'll relax on every day on our ship. And I can't wait to remember what DH and I were like before infertility took over every aspect of our lives. I remain confident that God knows exactly why we're going through what we're going through; Rome wasn't built overnight. :) My faith is strong and God is great!
Replies
Good for you! Congrats on taking the cruise...it sounds like you are doing a Southern Carribbean cruise if you are taking off from SJ. That will be amazing! Enjoy every minute of it...and don\'t worry about the extra weight...cruising and dieting never go hand in hand.
I am all for adoption. In fact, we started on that path before IVF but ran into a couple snags. Provided this pregnancy sticks, we have decided to adopt afterwards. I may look to get some info on that Korean program but we are also considering Guatamala since it recently opened back up!
I wish you the best of luck either way. It\'s no fun putting your life on hold! Go live it to the fullest!
I really think things are going to work out for you. I can relate to wanting a back up plan. If this pregnancy doesn\'t work out, we are going to try once and then call it quits and try being childless and focusing on other fulfilling activities (travel, volunteer work, etc.) Hang in there and don\'t worry too much about the wieght- especially not on vacation! :) Sending sticky baby dust and hugs your way!
I LOVE CRUISING! What a better way to reconnect with not only DH but YOURSELF!!! You have been great support for me and I am here for you confident that FET will work this round just wasn\'t your time. Smile and look forward to your getaway....
I am glad you are being so positive and optimistic and insisting on enjoying your life. IVF can be very obsessive and stressful. Your strength is amazing!
Your loss is heartbreaking, but your courage and strength to move forward is so inspiring. You are an amazing woman and however that child is brought into your life, they will be very lucky!