Heading into Month 9... A letter to Chad

I wrote this to Chad, and I thought maybe I should journal it here for some of you who had followed my journey.  I have been missing for the most part since the site transition.  I have taken interest in one of his friends actually, which I'm fairly certain is shared, but that's been hot and cold because I think we are both struggling with potential feelings, and I'm ok with that.  So I finally sat and wrote Chad an email today about how I really feel inside, I journal to him often, but those are for me, afterall, maybe Gmail is in heaven too, I can only hope! 

 

Chad,

 

  Been forever since I sent you an e-mail, May to be exact, I'm sorry.  Life gets so crazy... It's not that I forget you, god I could never do that, its just that sometimes, keeping busy is the only thing keeping me sane.  I am so much stronger now, but I break down at most thoughts of you.  I miss you more than you could ever imaging me missing you.  I do things and think of things and the only person I want to talk to or do them with is you, but I find myself inviting other people because I have no other choice.  I still choose you, honestly sometimes, I wish that rather than doing the thing I am supposed to, I could just sit with you and talk.  

 

   I long for the days of laying on the couch holding hands, cuddling, kissing and laughing together.  I long for the chance to come home to you one more time, to drop my work bag, take off my shoes and let the stress of my day leave my body with the first kiss and the first touch.  I long for the safety I felt in your arms, the feeling that nothing could ever happen to me, the one where I finally let my guard down long enough to let you in.  I long for you, I wish for you, the only thing I want is you.  I want to finish this life we set out to live together, I want our life, I want all the things we were supposed to have, I want to do all the things we were supposed to do, I want to have the family we were supposed to have, I want our happiness, I want our joy, I want our struggles, I want our fights, I want our battles, I want our sadness; I want our fairytale.  I want all of these things, but I can't have them, I want them because you would be next to me while we went through them, you and I would do it all together, it wouldn't always be easy, but at the end of the day, I'd have you and that is all that ever mattered to me.  Now, only thing I have left is our love and our memories.  

 

    There are days where I can feel myself accepting the realities I face, the ones where I realize all these things I want are just fleeting attempts to hold on to the dreams we had for our future.  I have begun to accept that you would want me to live this life, the one you weren't given the opportunity to have; that you would want me to find someone to share that with, someone who would treat me like a princess, love me without boundaries and someone that I would share a passion with.  You would want me to have a family, the one I never thought I wanted until I met you; you would want me to be happy, really and truly happy, something I haven't felt in almost 9 months.  You would want me to have days where I forgot about the gut wrenching, wicked and pure indescribable pain I have felt, you'd want me to have joy, happiness and safety... I know that's what you would want for me, but I am still trying to accept that.

 

    I look at the things happening in the world, the uncertainty of the world and of life, and I wonder what you would think about them or say about them.  I try to imagine what you would do, and what type of debate that would spark LOL.  I think the uncertainty is what actually motivates me to realize there is more to this life than working and paying bills.  You showed me that, this has taught me that.  I'm trying to do more than that, I'm trying to work on our bucket list and the one that W (my best friend) and I have built over all these years.  A lot of promises to do things with nothing being done about it.  I want to make you proud of me, not of the material things that I'll possess in life, but of the way I lived my life.  After all, now I have a life to live for you... 

 

I love you for always, 

 

Kim