Heading down again
Well I have been semi stable since Christmas. Guess I am due for a crash.
Woke up yesterday so anxious and upset. Nothing had happened really. Slow day at work and made a mistake I have to fix, but that was two days before yesterday and not really stressing about it.
Sat on my bed and cried a bit before dragging myself into work. Slow day again, but worked on some projects and ran out and got my oil changed in my car and got the registration renewed.
Came home on time and then things spiralled down. Told hb I wanted to dump a bit of the gravel out in the new garden area into the trash can. He didn't like that. Wants to put it all around the foundation of the house. I don't want ugly gravel in my flower beds and told him so. He told me I couldn't put it in the trash and he wants it in the flower beds for drainage. I told him again I didn't want the ugly stuff in my flower beds. Middle son chimes in and says dad listen to mom she said she didn't want it there. He got told to butt out. Arguement continued with hb saying can't put rocks into a trash can. I told him just one bucket full and they wouldn't notice. Said no putting it around house. Middle son again saying he not listening to me.
Got heated and hb got ugly to middle son. I stopped and told hb to do whatever he wanted and for them to stop fighting. Daughter in law chimes in rocks can't go in trash cans. (She was looking it up on the internet) of course no one tells her to butt out. Hb goes and gets a trash bag and puts TWO buckets of rocks in it and puts it in the trash can. Won't let me do it either. I just go upstairs for a bit.
Daughter in law explains to me when I come back down how it is bad to put rocks in and I shouldn't. Grrr. Try to politely tell her I will put just a few in a week until they are gone.
Then her and middle son start arguing about a video game and whether a character wears a hat. I don't even try to referee. I am so tired and having an anxious upset day already. Daughter in law goes to sleep and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Video games played all night, but as long as it is peaceful. Middle son announces last game as has to go home and youngest son sort of freaks out during the last game about how middle son is always killing him off and never killing oldest son. Middle son gets hostile and they are supposed to go to a video game tournament this weekend and how he is uninviting youngest....I try to stop it, but carries clear to middle going out the door to go home.
I go after him and try to talk to him and he spews everywhere about eveyone picking on him and him just not taking it any more and why he always has to be the one to take it and no one tells anyone else to behave. He says he is going to cut daughter in law out of his life and not come over when she is here any more. Not taking youngest with him to tournament and on and on. I stand there listening and shaking. He is the only child who shows me love. How do I give him up, but he is overly emotional and takes offense easily. Daughter in law is a problem, she is bossy and a major know it all. She hurts my feelings too sometimes, but I try to ignore her. She just thinks she is smarter than everyone about everything and talks down to people. She really isn't trying to be mean it is just who she is.
I would love her to stop, but won't and have to accept her or lose oldest son. HB seems to hate middle son most of his life. Youngest hates middle a lot too. He is difficult no doubt about it, but he loves me and shows it and I need him. Many times I feel he is all I have. He is the only one who cares aobut me, thinks about me, talks to me, but if he is around everyone else wants to leave.
My best friend no longer has time for me. We walked every Friday for 6 years (or almost) now she says she doesn't want to get up that early and so sorry. I have no one.
I hate my life and I just dont know if I can today. My family was everything to me and we are broken and gone. My friends are not friends any more. They are all gone too. I just have nothing. My head hurts, my hands are shaking and my heart ...I just I just don't know if I can today....
Woke up yesterday so anxious and upset. Nothing had happened really. Slow day at work and made a mistake I have to fix, but that was two days before yesterday and not really stressing about it.
Sat on my bed and cried a bit before dragging myself into work. Slow day again, but worked on some projects and ran out and got my oil changed in my car and got the registration renewed.
Came home on time and then things spiralled down. Told hb I wanted to dump a bit of the gravel out in the new garden area into the trash can. He didn't like that. Wants to put it all around the foundation of the house. I don't want ugly gravel in my flower beds and told him so. He told me I couldn't put it in the trash and he wants it in the flower beds for drainage. I told him again I didn't want the ugly stuff in my flower beds. Middle son chimes in and says dad listen to mom she said she didn't want it there. He got told to butt out. Arguement continued with hb saying can't put rocks into a trash can. I told him just one bucket full and they wouldn't notice. Said no putting it around house. Middle son again saying he not listening to me.
Got heated and hb got ugly to middle son. I stopped and told hb to do whatever he wanted and for them to stop fighting. Daughter in law chimes in rocks can't go in trash cans. (She was looking it up on the internet) of course no one tells her to butt out. Hb goes and gets a trash bag and puts TWO buckets of rocks in it and puts it in the trash can. Won't let me do it either. I just go upstairs for a bit.
Daughter in law explains to me when I come back down how it is bad to put rocks in and I shouldn't. Grrr. Try to politely tell her I will put just a few in a week until they are gone.
Then her and middle son start arguing about a video game and whether a character wears a hat. I don't even try to referee. I am so tired and having an anxious upset day already. Daughter in law goes to sleep and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Video games played all night, but as long as it is peaceful. Middle son announces last game as has to go home and youngest son sort of freaks out during the last game about how middle son is always killing him off and never killing oldest son. Middle son gets hostile and they are supposed to go to a video game tournament this weekend and how he is uninviting youngest....I try to stop it, but carries clear to middle going out the door to go home.
I go after him and try to talk to him and he spews everywhere about eveyone picking on him and him just not taking it any more and why he always has to be the one to take it and no one tells anyone else to behave. He says he is going to cut daughter in law out of his life and not come over when she is here any more. Not taking youngest with him to tournament and on and on. I stand there listening and shaking. He is the only child who shows me love. How do I give him up, but he is overly emotional and takes offense easily. Daughter in law is a problem, she is bossy and a major know it all. She hurts my feelings too sometimes, but I try to ignore her. She just thinks she is smarter than everyone about everything and talks down to people. She really isn't trying to be mean it is just who she is.
I would love her to stop, but won't and have to accept her or lose oldest son. HB seems to hate middle son most of his life. Youngest hates middle a lot too. He is difficult no doubt about it, but he loves me and shows it and I need him. Many times I feel he is all I have. He is the only one who cares aobut me, thinks about me, talks to me, but if he is around everyone else wants to leave.
My best friend no longer has time for me. We walked every Friday for 6 years (or almost) now she says she doesn't want to get up that early and so sorry. I have no one.
I hate my life and I just dont know if I can today. My family was everything to me and we are broken and gone. My friends are not friends any more. They are all gone too. I just have nothing. My head hurts, my hands are shaking and my heart ...I just I just don't know if I can today....
Replies
Big(( hugs ))).....all that argueing sounds so stressful.I wish they would stop,so you could have some peace.my oldest son is alot like your middle son.he has add too and a huge sweet heart.maybe you can find a better time to get together with your friend if the morning is too early for her..I\'m so sorry everything is so difficult right now.I hope the day gets better for you
MORE great big hugs to you.it all sounds so upsetting. I ache for all you have gone through. I also feel I have lost my family and that nothing will ever be how it was. I at least have some good women friends who are a huge help to me. Dh is just \"there\" and is not affectionate of supportive of my feelings. I hurt to the core of my being and strive to just keep busy to cope. I lose sleep as my mind won\'t stop churning with how sad I am. I started water exercise classes and feel it is an escape for me. I actually do not think about my sadness during those classes. I also have a dil that is difficult and have to just tread carefully so as not to totally lose my son. I already feel I have lost him to her family but at least I talk to him and see him maybe once a month. All of what has happened has been a huge disappointment. Constantly struggling to ACCEPT these things I cannot change. I am so sorry for your situation and ache for your emotional pain. You are not alone. I think we must feel love deeper than other people and that is why this empty nest is so difficult for us. We are not oddballs, just Moms (and some Dads) who feel love extremely deep. HUGS!!!!!!
I wouldent through gravel in the tras eather ....all he has to do ..is ...move some of your soil away from the house and put the gravol there and cover it back over with the soil he moved over ....than ..he can have better drainage ...witch is important ..and you won\'t see the gravol in your flower bed ..............................aren\'t those video games fun ...even when they are little and you try to say that is enough they just take fits ......got to go be back ..later
I am sorry you had to go through all that .......fighting ..and arguing ...with your family ....I know just how much that can upset a mother ...when her children and husband ....aren\'t ...just loving each other ....and ...being kind to one an other ...and you ...it can be very heart breaking .....I went through ...these times .... but have come through it .....some of my children don\'t hang around together ..but they do have ther children hanging around together .......and we visit ..I have very good relationships with all my children ........and grandchildren ...................several years ago when things blue up ....because I was always in the middle ..fixing everything .......my doctor told me if I ever wanted to get better ...than I had to be number one my h number two ...and the rest dident count .......................I had to do somthing ....so I followed hid advice ....they weren\'t to come to me with there problems ..they could go to ther father ...he told me what he thought I schould know .....but I was out of the drama ......and the pain of it all ..........and it worked .....now I can just love them and visit them .........and ...things are better between the kids to ..................................................if your middle son is and has not been treated fairly ...and showes you love ...and the others want to leave when he goes to visit you ..tell them .they are welcome to leave ..and come back later ....and you had a great time with your son .............they will eather ....stop there ..behavour ..it may take some time as they will need to know you mean bisness .......and eventualy ..they might start comming back and visiting when he is there ...........somthing has to be done to stop ....what is becoming the normal ..............................................as ..far as ..your ....daughter in law ..that is ...a ..dificult situation ....sorry be right back
about the daughter in law ...she will never know that she is hurting your feelings if you don\'t tell her .......so ..if it is at all posible ..to ask her to sit with you ..and you can just talk and very calmly ...with out others hearing ....let her know what exactualy ..she did or said that hurt your feelings ..rembering that what you tell her will get back to your son ...this could be a bigining ...of some .......of a better understanding ..between the two of you ........................................if this doesent work ...........there comes a time ...when ..we who are depressed ...have to decide ..who in our lives are toxic to us .....and that includes family and friends .....we have to eather ....put them out of our life or limit the time we spend with them .....................I know it is very hard for others to understand depreshion especualy if they haven\'t been there them selves ...so you could ask your daughter in law ...your son that is with her to go with you to your counclor or phicatrist ..and have him get a little education ..on the subject ...and how the situation ..is not helping you ..and how he could change that ........I took my husband ..a few times for that very reason ........and ..it realy did us good ...............................................................................................I would make your husband go to your doctors with you ...so he can learn about depreshion ..and how he is hurting you more than helping you ...and understand depreshion is not a chouice ....it is a deasese ...that needes treatment .....and suport from our families ....especualy our partners .....and find out ...what you go through and just how badly you are suffering .........................don\'t weaight untill you end up in the hospital .....do this for your self .....make him go ....I wish you all the luck in the world ...in getting through this time in your family\'s ...rough time ...............please take very good care of your self.......none of this is your fault ....so don\'t be blaming your self ....I blamed my self that I couldent get them to just love each other ....and be loving to eachother ....but they are there Owen person ...all of them diferant and think diferantly .........I had to axcept ..that we did our best ...and just love them ......I keep you always in my prayers ..I will say some extra prayers for you ..for this problem you are having ......hang in there ....sending you my love and hugs .......God bless ......
Don\'t think negative thoughts! You are going to be just fine.... Please have a happy Easter!!!! Big Hugs