He left yesterday

I should be ecstatic, but I woke up at 0400 and can't stop crying. He spent the last 3 nights on the couch even though I didn't want him to stay here, but he begged for financial reasons plus to spend time with the boys. He apologized for hurting me and asked if I didn't miss him, asked if there were any hopes of reconciliation and I know he's sad and scared to go out there alone without his "family" without his boys but I know that's just the pain of leaving talking and everything was so emotionally driven. He just kept staring at me and I know he still cares. He said he will always do and I guess I will too. I hate that I do because it was easier to be angry and to hate him, but I can't. As he was leaving he asked for a hug. I held out my hand for a handshake. He was disappointed. I don't know why he wanted a hug so bad. He walked through the door and I called him back and gave him the hug because I did t want to regret it...it was the most meaningful hug and I felt that I forgave him in that moment. He held on tightly. I told him if he needed anything he should call and he expressed the same. So here I am once again, an emotional mess....sigh