He just can't do it....

I've been thinking alot lately about my husband and all that we've been thru lately.  Well, maybe not just lately.  When we first got married a bit over 2 years ago I was so happy I could have cried....I was married to my best friend, my soulmate, someone who loved me for who I was and never wanted me to change.  After about 5 months of marriage that all changed and he I was no longer good enough....I was everything he DIDN'T want.  He kicked me out, back up to New England to live with my dad and I was miserable.  Thru the grace of God we made up last year after 6 months of being apart and I came home.  All was well again, we learned to communicate and we were happy again.  Then my illness came without warning and we struggled again.  He struggled in the hospital when the doctors told him they needed to to the TIPS right away or I would die....he knew this would "set a clock" for me, per se, and insisted that they look into further treatment.  Thankfully they did because I think had I undergone the TIPS then I may not be around today.  We struggled with fighting over my diet, my inability to do so many of the things he loved about me....my energy, my endless hope, my optimism....somehow it all went away for a while and that frustrated him.  Luckily I've found all that again, and though I'm still limited he tells me all the time that I'm a fighter and a survivor and if he were in my shoes he doesn't know if he could do it.  Those little words mean the world to me and give me more strenght than he knows. So...what is the problem?  I think that since last year he has tried so hard to understand me, to be a better communicator (which was never ever a strong point with him) and tried to give me all I need.  Along with that he pretty much gives me everything I want, within reason.  I don't work and have no income?  No big deal....he has an account set up in my name and every 2 weeks I get an 'allowance'....not big money LOL but it's enough and it's mine to do with as I like.  If I want for something he does his best to get it for me....massages at the salon, new clothes, new books to feed my endless addiction to reading...you get the idea.   I've been thinking lately that I don't need all of these things, though they do make me happy, but I'd get by fine without them as long as I have his undying and unconditional love, and I do certainly have that.  But my issue is, the one thing I cry over all the time....this man who gives me courage and strenght and love and gifts just for the sake of 'spoiling his beautiful wife' cannot give me the one and only thing I really want....he can't give me health....he can't give me a new liver.  He just can't make it better....he just can't do it.  It's not about resentment toward him, it's not about him not being good enough.  It's just one of those things...sort of like asking the question "what do you get the person who has everything?"   I wonder sometimes if he feels this way too but I dare not ask him for fear that he will think I'm trying to say he buys me things to make up for what he can't do for me.  Maybe he does....maybe not...that's not my point.  Do I have a point?   I think I need to step back and realize what a sacrifice this man is making....having a sick spouse is no fun, not being able to have children with me was not what he signed on for but we are also faced with that.  He's younger than me too.  I know it's not easy.  I think ulitmately I need to find a way to show him how much everything he does, everything he says, everything he is....how much that means to me and nothing could make me not love him anymore.  After all....I got myself into this mess, it's not his job to fix it. Endless ramble and babble done for the day....Hugs and prayers and God bless, Chelsey Ann (and kitty cats)

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Some things need no comment. This is one of them. God bless you, you are very special indeed.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Chelsey,
I read this and can\'t help to think of myself in your husbands shoes. We have been married for 22 yrs and I can\'t count how many times I have been asked \"why have you stayed\" Girl if I made it through the toughest times of drug addiction, alcoholism, I sure as hell can handle this. Maybe your hubby meant it when he said the vowels in sickness and in health. Yes I did leave once and it took a lot to come back, but I did and have never regretted it. I see my husband wasting away from this disease with the pain and suffering and not once have I thrown up my arms and say I quit. I really believe in soul mates as goofy as it sounds. I also believe that God put us on the earth for a purpose.

Take your husband in your arms everyday, look him in the eye\'s and tell him how much you love him and apprecitate all his support. I get that everyday from Chuck.
BtrflyEffect
BtrflyEffect

How better to show him what he means to you than your beautiful words here, in this journal entry. Sometimes, we find what we\'re looking for in the most unlikely of places.

Take care and God bless.