He is visiting.....:(
So he called last night and I didn't pick up but he left a voicemail... "Called to see how you guys were doing. I love you a lot. I will stop by tomorrow because I truly want to see you guys. I miss you guys a lot. I'm really tired and I'm going to sleep." I said to his mom, since he is using her cell phone, to tell him to call back if he would like. She said he fell asleep and asked me for my boys. I left it at that. But this is how I am feeling. Listen, I know I have to let go. I feel sorry for his behind. I miss him a lot but I break down, but it's not the same as 3 months ago or even a month ago. I've been like this for 7 months or more! I guess that's normal. This is what I want to say when I see him:
"Hi. I'm so happy you are ok. You had me worried about it all. How are you? Well I'm happy that you have made it through and are here right now. I'd love to enjoy this moment and freeze it in time. Are you getting any support? Are you still drinking tequila? What has made you start smoking weed? How does that make you feel? I can understand depression, I've been there. But do you know what? It was because of you and my boys that I worked harder to not be depressed. It was your support that made me so much more comfortable in any situation that I phased. But now I am upset at your behavior. You put me through all of this and keep telling me you love me. What's the purpose? Are you coming back? Are you not? You still want both women I see. Does that make you happy? It makes me sad and angry. It makes me feel used. Why are you with her then? If you love me that much, why can't you let go of her? Do you think that's fair to me and my boys? You're just being a selfish boy who has no heart for those you truly adore you and will do anything to see you happy and smile. You're playing with my feelings and let me tell you that it will stop. I am no second choice woman. I am not a back up plan. I am a complete woman who deserves to be someone's number one. The only one. You dissapoint me so much. I never thought you would not only put me through this, but play with my heart and my head, and think that it is ok to want and keep two females when she has nothing on me. But now you get to baby someone and feel so needed. I am better off on my own. Because I know I am a fighter. I am a warrior. And I will not let you ruin one more day of my life."
Yes, that was me venting. I have pictured myself saying all of that when he comes here to see his son. But I know that will not get me any where. He will only get mad and then that side is the horrible side that I rather keep hidden, that side is his worse. It just feels like a nightmare. And I also know I have to have self respect and not beg him for his return. I refuse to have to ask someone to love me or to come back or to see me. How do I resist this urge to explode and express exactly how I feel? How do I not bring up the fact that due to his actions, I have felt at my worse? How do I bite my tongue and remind him that due to his choices, his life is at a bad place? How do I not express that it makes me so upset that he relies on her? How do I not ask him what she has that I don't? How do I not express that I am dying inside for him to come home?
But then the other me, says to myself "Even if he comes back, how will it be? Will you be happy? Will you trust him? How will you go to sleep at night? What about when he goes to work? And do you really think he is the one? Do you really think he will marry you and give you that life you deserve? How do I know? Will he keep his promises?" Yes, I drive myself insane! But for now, I am just trying to be in a happy place within and not give him the pleasure to see me hurt when he comes to the house. I deserve better. I am beautiful. I am whole. I am a wonderful woman. "repeat, repeat, repeat"......
We shall see...... God works in magical ways.
"Hi. I'm so happy you are ok. You had me worried about it all. How are you? Well I'm happy that you have made it through and are here right now. I'd love to enjoy this moment and freeze it in time. Are you getting any support? Are you still drinking tequila? What has made you start smoking weed? How does that make you feel? I can understand depression, I've been there. But do you know what? It was because of you and my boys that I worked harder to not be depressed. It was your support that made me so much more comfortable in any situation that I phased. But now I am upset at your behavior. You put me through all of this and keep telling me you love me. What's the purpose? Are you coming back? Are you not? You still want both women I see. Does that make you happy? It makes me sad and angry. It makes me feel used. Why are you with her then? If you love me that much, why can't you let go of her? Do you think that's fair to me and my boys? You're just being a selfish boy who has no heart for those you truly adore you and will do anything to see you happy and smile. You're playing with my feelings and let me tell you that it will stop. I am no second choice woman. I am not a back up plan. I am a complete woman who deserves to be someone's number one. The only one. You dissapoint me so much. I never thought you would not only put me through this, but play with my heart and my head, and think that it is ok to want and keep two females when she has nothing on me. But now you get to baby someone and feel so needed. I am better off on my own. Because I know I am a fighter. I am a warrior. And I will not let you ruin one more day of my life."
Yes, that was me venting. I have pictured myself saying all of that when he comes here to see his son. But I know that will not get me any where. He will only get mad and then that side is the horrible side that I rather keep hidden, that side is his worse. It just feels like a nightmare. And I also know I have to have self respect and not beg him for his return. I refuse to have to ask someone to love me or to come back or to see me. How do I resist this urge to explode and express exactly how I feel? How do I not bring up the fact that due to his actions, I have felt at my worse? How do I bite my tongue and remind him that due to his choices, his life is at a bad place? How do I not express that it makes me so upset that he relies on her? How do I not ask him what she has that I don't? How do I not express that I am dying inside for him to come home?
But then the other me, says to myself "Even if he comes back, how will it be? Will you be happy? Will you trust him? How will you go to sleep at night? What about when he goes to work? And do you really think he is the one? Do you really think he will marry you and give you that life you deserve? How do I know? Will he keep his promises?" Yes, I drive myself insane! But for now, I am just trying to be in a happy place within and not give him the pleasure to see me hurt when he comes to the house. I deserve better. I am beautiful. I am whole. I am a wonderful woman. "repeat, repeat, repeat"......
We shall see...... God works in magical ways.
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