He didnt love me the way i needed love.
NEWSFLASH- HE NEVER LOVED YOU THE WAY YOU NEEDED TO BE LOVED, IN FACT HE NEVER LOVED YOU AT ALL BECAUSE IF HE HAD DONE, HE WOULDNT HAVE PUT YOU IN THAT POSITION.
So a victim of child sexual abuse, and at 21 years old now and in a stable and long term i still have no idea about love. It confuses me. It scares me. My dad had left, i had felt abandoned and my mother didnt have it in her to love us more than she loved herself, thats just the way things were. And in HE came like a knight in shining armour. And for the first time my mother and brother were smiling again, and despite my initial gut feelings towards him, i started to feel safe. More fool me.
My dad had left us reeling, and i needed a parental figure. That was the love i craved, the love of a parent, the feeling of being kept safe and sound, i was 12, still a child, lonely and scared in a world that was never quite staying still beneath my feet.
And i ask who can look into the eyes of a child, and want the relationship meant only for adults?
He said he loved me, he said it so many times, and so my idea of love is based on that, my idea of love is based on that love is conditional as long as i stay quiet and do what he wants.
He came down to my level, my tiny stature against his tall frame, and kissed me, and i choked on the feel of his tongue inside my mouth. My childhood soared through an open window, and when he stepped back I was horrified and asked him what that was. He told me a kiss. As though it were someting as simple as bending down and pecking me on the cheek. And then, with the taste of me on his tongue, he would kiss my mother, with me on his hands he would touch her.
And my 12 year old self felt the burn of shame, and the bitter metallic taste of jealously, for I knew no better, and i craved love, i craved what i couldnt get, and at the time though it felt wrong i knew that even if it felt bad and wrong, there was love there somewhere wasnt there?
And god how my notions of love are fucked up now.
So a victim of child sexual abuse, and at 21 years old now and in a stable and long term i still have no idea about love. It confuses me. It scares me. My dad had left, i had felt abandoned and my mother didnt have it in her to love us more than she loved herself, thats just the way things were. And in HE came like a knight in shining armour. And for the first time my mother and brother were smiling again, and despite my initial gut feelings towards him, i started to feel safe. More fool me.
My dad had left us reeling, and i needed a parental figure. That was the love i craved, the love of a parent, the feeling of being kept safe and sound, i was 12, still a child, lonely and scared in a world that was never quite staying still beneath my feet.
And i ask who can look into the eyes of a child, and want the relationship meant only for adults?
He said he loved me, he said it so many times, and so my idea of love is based on that, my idea of love is based on that love is conditional as long as i stay quiet and do what he wants.
He came down to my level, my tiny stature against his tall frame, and kissed me, and i choked on the feel of his tongue inside my mouth. My childhood soared through an open window, and when he stepped back I was horrified and asked him what that was. He told me a kiss. As though it were someting as simple as bending down and pecking me on the cheek. And then, with the taste of me on his tongue, he would kiss my mother, with me on his hands he would touch her.
And my 12 year old self felt the burn of shame, and the bitter metallic taste of jealously, for I knew no better, and i craved love, i craved what i couldnt get, and at the time though it felt wrong i knew that even if it felt bad and wrong, there was love there somewhere wasnt there?
And god how my notions of love are fucked up now.
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