Having Some New Thoughts
As I was outside this morning, having my usual smoke and a cup of coffee, and as I have normally been doing and that is kind of talking to myself, going over the events of my breakup, telling myself where I think things had gone wrong, processing the possible "red flags", rewinding the VHS tapes in my head and trying to make sense of it all, when I came to some new thoughts that had been recently given to me by some of my friends that knew my ex when she was here, had many times hanging out with her when she was with me. About three friends I know are telling me the same thing he, just in different ways of putting it.
They are all in their own ways pointing out that my ex-fiance might have been "damaged goods" before she even knew me. All of them point out different opinions as to why this damaged goods idea is correct. So.e point out that my ex's parents allowed their own Daughter to be a 2nd grade drop out, without feeling that getting her back into the school system was important. Her parents lying to the Ohio school system convincing them that their Daughter was being home schooled when she actually wasn't. So my friends site that she most likely lacked the proper education on how to handle interacting with people growing up because she was forced to live at home, without much exposure to outside people, therefore not learning to handle such things as personal relationships.
Also due to the fact that she never went back to school and perhaps would have learned to think for herself, she was then exposed to only handling things the ways her parents, namely her father taugh her. Throughout my ex's life she was exposed to thing's like lying, cheating and stealing, all the while being taught that if the lying and cheating and stealing benefited herself or the family then it was okay to do so.
She was exposed to her father's constant manipulations to systems like SSI and the department of veterans affairs, lying and deceiving them by fudging numbers and dates as to get the family what they needed. She also may have been exposed to her parents teaching their Daughter on how to lie to people's faces. For when I went to meet my ex-fiance for the first time in her home town of Columbus Ohio I was subject to some bouts of her father's writers embellishments, and there would be my ex-fiance, standing there witnessing this happen, but no desire to set any records straight, just allowing her father to roll with whatever he might be saying or doing all the while not acting like a thing like deceptions and lying bothered her.
Also the fact that her parents had been pretty controlling over their Daughter, at times only allowing her to be in relations with people that would benefit herself and her family. Also there were some red flags as some of my friends point out that my ex-fiance pretty much lived life in a bedroom with pretty much her only real contact with the outside world was a computer and the internet.
She has no "real world" friends back home, all her friends are those she makes online, and will stay in her room for hours on end communicating with these faceless people. After all I should know, because once upon a time I was one of those faceless people she meet online. She latched onto me quickly and we devoted ourselves to each other pretty darn fast. Also it had been pointed out to me that when my friends would try to converse with my ex-fiance, she had difficulty conversations were logical based, she would always make her responses almost entirely emotional based, with very little basis behind her opinions. It showed them how limited her scope of life was and proved that she had been subject to limited ways of thinking all her life.
Also there was the issue of she. My ex-fiance and I would have everyday problems come up, if the problems were small we would pretty much handle thing's ourselves. But if my ex-fiance deamed a problem to big, but we'll within our capacity of handling it on our own, she wouldn't allow us to handle it on our own, 90% of the time she'd grab her phone and call her dear ole Daddy and present the issue to him and get told what to do about it. So in turn she would do everything she could to make Daddy's way the only way we would handle an issue, even if the resolution was deceptive.
Also several people have made issue with the fact that when they dealt with my ex-fiance, they pretty much felt like they had been pretty much used somehow. They almost always walked away feeling like she had gotten the better of them somehow. I have two friends that within the last 3-4 months of our relationship, they wouldn't pick up the phone anymore if they saw it was her calling. They were getting tired of the continued asking for things, with almost no "thank you's" in return. Some made me aware that they thought she was just a natural born user of people, they theorize as skill or trate she picked up from her parents. Because some felt like when it came to my ex-fiance, "enough was never enough"!
Also, my ex-fiance would have complaints about money, as in there was never enough of it, oddly whenever money was needed under the justifications of "it was for us" she'd really hard press me to call around to people, namely my family and ask for money. She'd always want me to ask and ask people! And when I'd turn the tables on her and ask her to ask her family for some money, nope, she'd always make some excuse as to why they couldn't, mainly pointing out that they were always broke. So thing's my ex-fiance wanted always had to come from me or people linked to me, never at all coming from anyone linked to her.
There's also other things that have come to my attention, and its something my ex-wife told me on the night of meeting my ex-fiance for the first time. While I was away from some of their conversations, my ex-wife asked what got my ex-fiance out of all places Columbus Ohio? She never once made an example of something like "I meet the man of my dreams and moved to Sacramento to be with the one I love"! Nope, she would only say "that when people like us get the chance to get out of the maggot bowl, for good or bad, we get out"! This answer made my ex-wife question my ex-fiance motives for being with me.
Also at the time my ex-wife was having difficulties was some of my son's medical problems and was having a hard time seeking out services that would accept him and treat him. My ex-fiance told my ex-wife to have her give my ex-fiance my son's information and she said that she could fudge some numbers here and alter some dates there and change some facts as to better secure my son some services. My ex-wife questioned her about how someone like her knew how to do stuff like that, my ex-fiance responded "I've seen my Dad do it, so I know I can do it"! Needless to say this made my ex-wife very uncomfortable and declined my ex-fiance invitations to having my ex-fiance access to our son's information.
Also, the way our relationship ended, basically it all boiled down to what her Dad wanted. When I wanted us to fight for our relationship, my ex-fiance realizing that our relationship was about ready to hit a brick wall and would be seriously be tested, due to issues that we both created, instead of us allowing us to handle thing's as a couple, she got her parents involved. For weeks before the breakup she would always be on the phone talking to her Dad, I found out after the fact, that her father was feeding her story's of how since she left they have fallen into hard financial Times and can't make it anymore without her and het SSI check. Always telling her that month after month they had to sell their personal property just to get by.
When they realized that their Daughter wasn't buying what Dad was selling, he up'd the ante and then told her that he had recently touched the family cross in the living room and was hit with an anointing message from God, and God said that Aaron was bad news, and that he was told that she needed to get away from me and come home. She bought it, and weeks later in my mom's kitchen she ended it, all the while resisting good advice that what she wanted to was to hasty, give it time, get into couples therapy, she never entertained any of these notion, she was just he'll bent on just getting back home to her parents.
So my Mom in the end pony'd up for her shuttle from my home to the airport, paid for an in flight meal voucher and dumped $528 in one way ticket from Sacramento to Columbus Ohio. Once again never offering to help with any money that my ex-fiance might of had at the time, and never once asking her parents to help, she once again allowed other to do things for her as to get what she and her family wanted.
It's just in the end, that many of my friends and family agree that my ex-fiance just didn't have what it took to be any sort of serious relationship with anyone. She was to sheltered growing up, her lack of real world stimulus, her being allowed to drop out of school at the 2nd grade without any concerns about getting her back in school, the lying and the cheating she wad exposed to growing up, her controlling ways, as in never allowing alcohol in our home because of past experiences of her father's alcoholism, the drunk driving charges, the domestic violence, she never once allowed me to prove that I could handle thing's like alcohol differently than her father, she always used stereotypical examples to what I would turn into to be her guide. Her lack of being able to process information in a logical sense, but only allowing herself to be emotionally driven. Also my ex-fiance being allowed to live life through a computer screen, hoarding herself to live life in a bedroom, also allowing herself to be controlled by shady parents, all the while always going along with what her father says. And finally, never allowing herself to be an individual who is free minded and free thinking.
Today my thoughts are slowly drifting away from being as angry with her as I once was! Now I'm starting to feel more so sad and sorry for my ex-fiance. That she truly came to me as the "damaged goods" as many have pointed out. I'm feeling a bit sorry that even after our relationship ended, and she returned back home, that from the information I have been made aware of, she's just kind of picking back up where she left off before meeting me. The continued pity pot party's between herself and her parents, the lack of insight that perhaps maybe seeking out some help for herself, as I am doing, might be in her best interest. Nope, pity party's, back in her old bedroom, sitting for hours talking on the computer with her old gang, complaining to them about me, the gossip, the slander, the sharing of private details of me and our relationship, some lies being spread around, just picking back up where she left off.....very sad!
I'm finally coming to grips that in the end, my ex-fiances choices weren't entirely her own, she was being subjected to the family control, namely her father's control, and being deceived that anything upon her return home would change, being a virtual puppet on a string from 2000 miles away, and I'm slowly starting to understand that she never might have been truly a free minded person, the type of free thinking person that would be required to make a serious relationship work.
In no way shape or form is my ego about ready to give my ex-fiance a free pass, I personally think that she's been given enough free passes in life. But with all that has been said here, I'm slowly realizing that the breakup and our end wasn't totally on her, nor was it all on me as I had been made to believe, I'm slowly starting to understand that when it comes to my ex-fiance being with any man, that if it doesn't benefit her parents in the slightest way, they'll jump in and take over and on many levels "call the shots"!
It's only evident that when I put my foot down about 3 months ago, about how there would be no more of our money being pay pal'd to her parents, from that moment there became a device between her parents and myself. I might have been looked at as a person who was no longer a resource that could be continually tapped, therefore I might have no longer became a viable asset, and possibly might have been looked upon as a new liability. So what better way to drop the new coined liability then to remove the Daughter from the man's life, bring her home, and prepare her and syike her up for the next reliable resource to come her way!
So I'm starting to see things from a different point of view! But don't think for one minute that this new founded perspective takes away the hurt and the pain and the frustration and the feelings of being betrayed! The new perspective doesn't remove any of it much, I'm just sad that she couldn't realize for her own self that she gave up on the best thing to have ever happened to her, for what, because dear ole Daddy said so........how sad!
They are all in their own ways pointing out that my ex-fiance might have been "damaged goods" before she even knew me. All of them point out different opinions as to why this damaged goods idea is correct. So.e point out that my ex's parents allowed their own Daughter to be a 2nd grade drop out, without feeling that getting her back into the school system was important. Her parents lying to the Ohio school system convincing them that their Daughter was being home schooled when she actually wasn't. So my friends site that she most likely lacked the proper education on how to handle interacting with people growing up because she was forced to live at home, without much exposure to outside people, therefore not learning to handle such things as personal relationships.
Also due to the fact that she never went back to school and perhaps would have learned to think for herself, she was then exposed to only handling things the ways her parents, namely her father taugh her. Throughout my ex's life she was exposed to thing's like lying, cheating and stealing, all the while being taught that if the lying and cheating and stealing benefited herself or the family then it was okay to do so.
She was exposed to her father's constant manipulations to systems like SSI and the department of veterans affairs, lying and deceiving them by fudging numbers and dates as to get the family what they needed. She also may have been exposed to her parents teaching their Daughter on how to lie to people's faces. For when I went to meet my ex-fiance for the first time in her home town of Columbus Ohio I was subject to some bouts of her father's writers embellishments, and there would be my ex-fiance, standing there witnessing this happen, but no desire to set any records straight, just allowing her father to roll with whatever he might be saying or doing all the while not acting like a thing like deceptions and lying bothered her.
Also the fact that her parents had been pretty controlling over their Daughter, at times only allowing her to be in relations with people that would benefit herself and her family. Also there were some red flags as some of my friends point out that my ex-fiance pretty much lived life in a bedroom with pretty much her only real contact with the outside world was a computer and the internet.
She has no "real world" friends back home, all her friends are those she makes online, and will stay in her room for hours on end communicating with these faceless people. After all I should know, because once upon a time I was one of those faceless people she meet online. She latched onto me quickly and we devoted ourselves to each other pretty darn fast. Also it had been pointed out to me that when my friends would try to converse with my ex-fiance, she had difficulty conversations were logical based, she would always make her responses almost entirely emotional based, with very little basis behind her opinions. It showed them how limited her scope of life was and proved that she had been subject to limited ways of thinking all her life.
Also there was the issue of she. My ex-fiance and I would have everyday problems come up, if the problems were small we would pretty much handle thing's ourselves. But if my ex-fiance deamed a problem to big, but we'll within our capacity of handling it on our own, she wouldn't allow us to handle it on our own, 90% of the time she'd grab her phone and call her dear ole Daddy and present the issue to him and get told what to do about it. So in turn she would do everything she could to make Daddy's way the only way we would handle an issue, even if the resolution was deceptive.
Also several people have made issue with the fact that when they dealt with my ex-fiance, they pretty much felt like they had been pretty much used somehow. They almost always walked away feeling like she had gotten the better of them somehow. I have two friends that within the last 3-4 months of our relationship, they wouldn't pick up the phone anymore if they saw it was her calling. They were getting tired of the continued asking for things, with almost no "thank you's" in return. Some made me aware that they thought she was just a natural born user of people, they theorize as skill or trate she picked up from her parents. Because some felt like when it came to my ex-fiance, "enough was never enough"!
Also, my ex-fiance would have complaints about money, as in there was never enough of it, oddly whenever money was needed under the justifications of "it was for us" she'd really hard press me to call around to people, namely my family and ask for money. She'd always want me to ask and ask people! And when I'd turn the tables on her and ask her to ask her family for some money, nope, she'd always make some excuse as to why they couldn't, mainly pointing out that they were always broke. So thing's my ex-fiance wanted always had to come from me or people linked to me, never at all coming from anyone linked to her.
There's also other things that have come to my attention, and its something my ex-wife told me on the night of meeting my ex-fiance for the first time. While I was away from some of their conversations, my ex-wife asked what got my ex-fiance out of all places Columbus Ohio? She never once made an example of something like "I meet the man of my dreams and moved to Sacramento to be with the one I love"! Nope, she would only say "that when people like us get the chance to get out of the maggot bowl, for good or bad, we get out"! This answer made my ex-wife question my ex-fiance motives for being with me.
Also at the time my ex-wife was having difficulties was some of my son's medical problems and was having a hard time seeking out services that would accept him and treat him. My ex-fiance told my ex-wife to have her give my ex-fiance my son's information and she said that she could fudge some numbers here and alter some dates there and change some facts as to better secure my son some services. My ex-wife questioned her about how someone like her knew how to do stuff like that, my ex-fiance responded "I've seen my Dad do it, so I know I can do it"! Needless to say this made my ex-wife very uncomfortable and declined my ex-fiance invitations to having my ex-fiance access to our son's information.
Also, the way our relationship ended, basically it all boiled down to what her Dad wanted. When I wanted us to fight for our relationship, my ex-fiance realizing that our relationship was about ready to hit a brick wall and would be seriously be tested, due to issues that we both created, instead of us allowing us to handle thing's as a couple, she got her parents involved. For weeks before the breakup she would always be on the phone talking to her Dad, I found out after the fact, that her father was feeding her story's of how since she left they have fallen into hard financial Times and can't make it anymore without her and het SSI check. Always telling her that month after month they had to sell their personal property just to get by.
When they realized that their Daughter wasn't buying what Dad was selling, he up'd the ante and then told her that he had recently touched the family cross in the living room and was hit with an anointing message from God, and God said that Aaron was bad news, and that he was told that she needed to get away from me and come home. She bought it, and weeks later in my mom's kitchen she ended it, all the while resisting good advice that what she wanted to was to hasty, give it time, get into couples therapy, she never entertained any of these notion, she was just he'll bent on just getting back home to her parents.
So my Mom in the end pony'd up for her shuttle from my home to the airport, paid for an in flight meal voucher and dumped $528 in one way ticket from Sacramento to Columbus Ohio. Once again never offering to help with any money that my ex-fiance might of had at the time, and never once asking her parents to help, she once again allowed other to do things for her as to get what she and her family wanted.
It's just in the end, that many of my friends and family agree that my ex-fiance just didn't have what it took to be any sort of serious relationship with anyone. She was to sheltered growing up, her lack of real world stimulus, her being allowed to drop out of school at the 2nd grade without any concerns about getting her back in school, the lying and the cheating she wad exposed to growing up, her controlling ways, as in never allowing alcohol in our home because of past experiences of her father's alcoholism, the drunk driving charges, the domestic violence, she never once allowed me to prove that I could handle thing's like alcohol differently than her father, she always used stereotypical examples to what I would turn into to be her guide. Her lack of being able to process information in a logical sense, but only allowing herself to be emotionally driven. Also my ex-fiance being allowed to live life through a computer screen, hoarding herself to live life in a bedroom, also allowing herself to be controlled by shady parents, all the while always going along with what her father says. And finally, never allowing herself to be an individual who is free minded and free thinking.
Today my thoughts are slowly drifting away from being as angry with her as I once was! Now I'm starting to feel more so sad and sorry for my ex-fiance. That she truly came to me as the "damaged goods" as many have pointed out. I'm feeling a bit sorry that even after our relationship ended, and she returned back home, that from the information I have been made aware of, she's just kind of picking back up where she left off before meeting me. The continued pity pot party's between herself and her parents, the lack of insight that perhaps maybe seeking out some help for herself, as I am doing, might be in her best interest. Nope, pity party's, back in her old bedroom, sitting for hours talking on the computer with her old gang, complaining to them about me, the gossip, the slander, the sharing of private details of me and our relationship, some lies being spread around, just picking back up where she left off.....very sad!
I'm finally coming to grips that in the end, my ex-fiances choices weren't entirely her own, she was being subjected to the family control, namely her father's control, and being deceived that anything upon her return home would change, being a virtual puppet on a string from 2000 miles away, and I'm slowly starting to understand that she never might have been truly a free minded person, the type of free thinking person that would be required to make a serious relationship work.
In no way shape or form is my ego about ready to give my ex-fiance a free pass, I personally think that she's been given enough free passes in life. But with all that has been said here, I'm slowly realizing that the breakup and our end wasn't totally on her, nor was it all on me as I had been made to believe, I'm slowly starting to understand that when it comes to my ex-fiance being with any man, that if it doesn't benefit her parents in the slightest way, they'll jump in and take over and on many levels "call the shots"!
It's only evident that when I put my foot down about 3 months ago, about how there would be no more of our money being pay pal'd to her parents, from that moment there became a device between her parents and myself. I might have been looked at as a person who was no longer a resource that could be continually tapped, therefore I might have no longer became a viable asset, and possibly might have been looked upon as a new liability. So what better way to drop the new coined liability then to remove the Daughter from the man's life, bring her home, and prepare her and syike her up for the next reliable resource to come her way!
So I'm starting to see things from a different point of view! But don't think for one minute that this new founded perspective takes away the hurt and the pain and the frustration and the feelings of being betrayed! The new perspective doesn't remove any of it much, I'm just sad that she couldn't realize for her own self that she gave up on the best thing to have ever happened to her, for what, because dear ole Daddy said so........how sad!
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