Having Children
It has been a really positive week for me, a lot of time for self discovery and asessment, I've been thinking a lot about a subject that has been painfully tearing up my mind for some time now, having children. I always wanted the feeling of someone calling me dad, and experiencing the unconditional love that can only be felt through having kids.
The amazing thing is, I am finally well enough to have them, I have the energy to live a relatively normal life now, but I have also have a personallity trait, which makes me completely black and white about certain issues. It's not generally a positive thing, it has caused me to say hurtful things to the people I care about and I am trying my best to work on it, but where I stand, there are simply some things that I will not change my ways and views about. One of these non negotiable views of mine is I believe that before someone knowingly and willingly brings a child into the world, they need both mother and father figures, they must have good, well paying, secure jobs/careers, a home that they own, and then they must instantly give up all self interests that they have of thier own- this to me is non negotiable. All hobbies must cease, and your one and only focus is your child, only then are you adequate to be a parent in my point of view.
This illness has caused me to develop some selfish tendancies, although I am a very giving person of my love, time and compassion, I find myself wanting to do more and more for myself, the things I couldn't do when I was housebound by CFS. So, if I have a spare hundred bucks in my pocket, I am going to put it towards the things I want, I don't wish to put it aside for my child.
This has made me come to realise although I want to know what its like to bring children into this world, I don't want it bad enough, where I will gladly sacrifice my other wants and pleasures, this does not put me in the category of being a good parent, and I have made the decision I do not want children.
Suprisingly, it was incredibly easy, and a huge weight off my shoulders, I think mostly because I am the one who made this decision, my illness did not make it for me.
I have also realised that I can have a positive influence on young people's lives, and leave some kind of legacy/ difference to people, I don't have to be a dad to have that experience.
Finally, I have so much peace :)
The amazing thing is, I am finally well enough to have them, I have the energy to live a relatively normal life now, but I have also have a personallity trait, which makes me completely black and white about certain issues. It's not generally a positive thing, it has caused me to say hurtful things to the people I care about and I am trying my best to work on it, but where I stand, there are simply some things that I will not change my ways and views about. One of these non negotiable views of mine is I believe that before someone knowingly and willingly brings a child into the world, they need both mother and father figures, they must have good, well paying, secure jobs/careers, a home that they own, and then they must instantly give up all self interests that they have of thier own- this to me is non negotiable. All hobbies must cease, and your one and only focus is your child, only then are you adequate to be a parent in my point of view.
This illness has caused me to develop some selfish tendancies, although I am a very giving person of my love, time and compassion, I find myself wanting to do more and more for myself, the things I couldn't do when I was housebound by CFS. So, if I have a spare hundred bucks in my pocket, I am going to put it towards the things I want, I don't wish to put it aside for my child.
This has made me come to realise although I want to know what its like to bring children into this world, I don't want it bad enough, where I will gladly sacrifice my other wants and pleasures, this does not put me in the category of being a good parent, and I have made the decision I do not want children.
Suprisingly, it was incredibly easy, and a huge weight off my shoulders, I think mostly because I am the one who made this decision, my illness did not make it for me.
I have also realised that I can have a positive influence on young people's lives, and leave some kind of legacy/ difference to people, I don't have to be a dad to have that experience.
Finally, I have so much peace :)
Replies
Glad you have some peace on an important issues for you...having a choice is a marvelous feeling!
I too am glad you came to peace on this one. Not to say that you could
change your mind if you \'met the right person?\" It\'s good to know
for yourself that
you have such strong black and white views about child rearing. I take it
your parents didn\'t have hobbies or interests outside the home? I grew
up in a home where both my mother and dad did have outside
interests. They took part in community events and gave back to the
community. I take this as a positive thing. My mother played the piano.
It enriched my childhood. Hearing her play and then later taking
lessons myself. Everyone\'s life is different. That\'s my experience.