Having a bad, bad day
I have not cried in a long time. There was nothing that set me off, specifically. I asked my kids to get up and get to chores and they did, though their cleaning is not the same as mine. I spend my life getting irritated that I have to tell the people I love every single thing to do if I want it done. It is as though they have no initiative to see what needs to be done and do it. They are so self-centered. I cried in the car after driving the boy to school. I cried this morning. I cried this afternoon. I cried tonight. I completely lost it tonight and apologized to my girls for being a mess and thanked them for helping me and told them that I appreciate them, but that I do need them to go the extra step.
I am first to admit that I am selfish. I just want the pain to stop. I do not have an explanation for how I feel the way I do. I do not have an explanation for feeling like crap all the freaking time, my body hurting, not being able to follow through on the things I know I should do. I want to do what is right. I want to give my children what they need and my youngest needs more attention and care than a typical 4 year old. I have a therapist that was here for 5 hours today and she is amazing and helping so much, helping him make great progress. I wish I could have her full-time all week. He would be potty trained in no time. But the mommy guilt gets to me that *I* should be able to do all of these things on my own. I understand the techniques intellectually. And yet it's a success for me to get out of bed before 8am to get him to school by 9am.
Spiritually I don't know where I stand. I have always had a feeling that I am a child of God, that I am not praying to the wind but to a Father who loves me just as my earthly parents love me. Just as I love my own children. So, the hard part is knowing what can I do to fix myself? Things are not right in my head. I am weak and in need of direction. Am I getting worse because I need more help? I am confident that I will receive the help I need, no matter what form it comes in.
I made my husband frustrated last night because when I finally went to bed I fell right to sleep and immediately began snoring. He recorded me on his tablet. It sounded like a strange animal. I guess it was so disturbing I woke MYSELF up, but immediately went back to sleep and started snoring in an entirely different sound. We had girls stay the night and they were up until at least 1am. I finally gave up at that point and went to bed, but maybe it was closer to 2. No wonder I was in such a crappy mood this morning and an emotional disaster. I promised hubby I would go to bed by 10 tonight and read or whatever to go to fall asleep. He gets up SO early and I feel guilty that I wake him up when I go to bed, go to the bathroom multiple times, etc.
The diet went much better today. I did not give in to donuts, chocolate, or licorice. That is saying something. I think I are a pound of red vines last night.
Anyway, I'm going to play a computer game for a bit and zone out in front of the tv. I cannot concentrate the way I need to in order to watch a good tv drama. Sigh.
dea
I am first to admit that I am selfish. I just want the pain to stop. I do not have an explanation for how I feel the way I do. I do not have an explanation for feeling like crap all the freaking time, my body hurting, not being able to follow through on the things I know I should do. I want to do what is right. I want to give my children what they need and my youngest needs more attention and care than a typical 4 year old. I have a therapist that was here for 5 hours today and she is amazing and helping so much, helping him make great progress. I wish I could have her full-time all week. He would be potty trained in no time. But the mommy guilt gets to me that *I* should be able to do all of these things on my own. I understand the techniques intellectually. And yet it's a success for me to get out of bed before 8am to get him to school by 9am.
Spiritually I don't know where I stand. I have always had a feeling that I am a child of God, that I am not praying to the wind but to a Father who loves me just as my earthly parents love me. Just as I love my own children. So, the hard part is knowing what can I do to fix myself? Things are not right in my head. I am weak and in need of direction. Am I getting worse because I need more help? I am confident that I will receive the help I need, no matter what form it comes in.
I made my husband frustrated last night because when I finally went to bed I fell right to sleep and immediately began snoring. He recorded me on his tablet. It sounded like a strange animal. I guess it was so disturbing I woke MYSELF up, but immediately went back to sleep and started snoring in an entirely different sound. We had girls stay the night and they were up until at least 1am. I finally gave up at that point and went to bed, but maybe it was closer to 2. No wonder I was in such a crappy mood this morning and an emotional disaster. I promised hubby I would go to bed by 10 tonight and read or whatever to go to fall asleep. He gets up SO early and I feel guilty that I wake him up when I go to bed, go to the bathroom multiple times, etc.
The diet went much better today. I did not give in to donuts, chocolate, or licorice. That is saying something. I think I are a pound of red vines last night.
Anyway, I'm going to play a computer game for a bit and zone out in front of the tv. I cannot concentrate the way I need to in order to watch a good tv drama. Sigh.
dea
Replies