'Have a Little Faith in Me'
He chose that as our wedding song. Sarcastic and hyper-vigilant me asked, "was that your mantra/wedding song with your two ex-wives? "No, San. That's the way I feel about our relationship. Trust me. I am here for you. I'm not like the bastard Richard that up and left you and your children and home one day...".
Yeah, I said two ex-wives. How did that come about? I'll tell you what he told me: Wife #1. Married young. In the process of building their home he found, thought, that her father was way too meddling in the process and put it to his wife to either stand by him or stand by her dad! She chose her father. They divorced. [I am now wondering if the REAL situation was that her father was fronting the cost of the home - at least the down payment - and therefore in looking out for his daughter felt his input necessary. Kevin being Kevin wanted to be in charge and didn't appreciate him meddling.] Wife #2: Marriage fell apart, according to him, when his wife began an affair online with a gamer in another state and she ran away to him deserting Kevin. [My take? She developed Fibromyalgia, which made her dependent on him, and I think he grew tired of that, began ignoring her, she turned to this gamer and left him.]
What difference does it make? I just remember sitting around wondering how two women could have let this guy go. I mean, I thought he was wonderful. I would ask him - wow, how did you feel when all that happened? Him - "it was in the past - it's over - I don't care". I was impressed with the way he was able to let go of the hurt and the past (something I find very difficult). Perhaps it was as easy then as it is now for him to walk away from his obligations...
'Have a Little Faith in Me'... I did, Kevin. I put everything into this relationship. I blew through $15,000 to maintain our lifestyle. I never ever once brought that up to you - all I ever asked for was openness and honesty. He knew that my past had been full of smoke and mirrors. And he did it to me anyway, and I'm sure is blaming the entire break up on me.
Oh - and I really really really want to contact his family and ask them what the hell they think they are doing by providing support for him now. Yet again. They come to his rescue which allows him to use and abuse people without the fear of being: homeless, carless, phoneless, foodless, without TV, etc. What a dis-service they have provided him with. He remains utterly free of the burden of supporting anyone, including his own son and he gets to do it without any discomfort or guilt.
Yeah, I said two ex-wives. How did that come about? I'll tell you what he told me: Wife #1. Married young. In the process of building their home he found, thought, that her father was way too meddling in the process and put it to his wife to either stand by him or stand by her dad! She chose her father. They divorced. [I am now wondering if the REAL situation was that her father was fronting the cost of the home - at least the down payment - and therefore in looking out for his daughter felt his input necessary. Kevin being Kevin wanted to be in charge and didn't appreciate him meddling.] Wife #2: Marriage fell apart, according to him, when his wife began an affair online with a gamer in another state and she ran away to him deserting Kevin. [My take? She developed Fibromyalgia, which made her dependent on him, and I think he grew tired of that, began ignoring her, she turned to this gamer and left him.]
What difference does it make? I just remember sitting around wondering how two women could have let this guy go. I mean, I thought he was wonderful. I would ask him - wow, how did you feel when all that happened? Him - "it was in the past - it's over - I don't care". I was impressed with the way he was able to let go of the hurt and the past (something I find very difficult). Perhaps it was as easy then as it is now for him to walk away from his obligations...
'Have a Little Faith in Me'... I did, Kevin. I put everything into this relationship. I blew through $15,000 to maintain our lifestyle. I never ever once brought that up to you - all I ever asked for was openness and honesty. He knew that my past had been full of smoke and mirrors. And he did it to me anyway, and I'm sure is blaming the entire break up on me.
Oh - and I really really really want to contact his family and ask them what the hell they think they are doing by providing support for him now. Yet again. They come to his rescue which allows him to use and abuse people without the fear of being: homeless, carless, phoneless, foodless, without TV, etc. What a dis-service they have provided him with. He remains utterly free of the burden of supporting anyone, including his own son and he gets to do it without any discomfort or guilt.
Replies
Sandy - The LAST thing you should do is contact his family. If they want to continue to coddle and bail him out of troble, that\'s THEIR PROBLEM -- not yours. I can almost guarantee you that they would NOT want to hear your side of things and it would only prove to further alienate them from you.
As to the other stuff you wrote: \" I blew through $15,000 to maintain our lifestyle. I never ever once brought that up to you - all I ever asked for was openness and honesty. He knew that my past had been full of smoke and mirrors. And he did it to me anyway, and I\'m sure is blaming the entire break up on me...\"
That YOU chose to spend $15,000 to \"maintain your lifestyle\" -- that was YOUR decision. Perhaps you spent it in an ill-fated attempt to hold onto Kevin? Were you afraid he would leave if you didn\'t? If so, that\'s a sign of a very unhealthy relationship and you should just let it go and take the rest of your life from there. Look at it this way -- you cannot buy \"openness and honesty.\"
He didn\'t DO anything TO YOU. He just did it. If it hadn\'t been you, it would have been whatever woman he was with in the marriage.
And as far as blaming you -- they ALL do this -- regardless of the circumstances. It\'s a sure sign of their guilt -- no matter how much they tell themselves it\'s not their fault - it still is.
Be glad you are out of this relationship and work with your counselor or therapist to discover how to \"fix your broken chooser\" so it doesn\'t happen again.
Big squeezy hugs from Naples, FL.
Naples, huh? I\'ll be there next month...
No, I didn\'t spend the money to keep him, I mostly spent it on what I wanted us to have. I guess I kept thinking that one day it would be MY turn to sit back and have things lavished on me...
I won\'t reach his family - I\'m just talking out my ass. I would never embarrass myself or them that way. I will be driving out to his (his father/s/sister\'s) house this weekend to look for him. I will not stop unless his van is there. I will ask him for money to his face. I have nothing to be ashamed of - he bailed on me.
You have to remember kathi that we were together for 6 years. For the most part, the six years were good. I mean, if I am completely and totally honest with you I did recognize that he had no allegiance to anyone. In other words, he was not too bothered about being behind in child support. He was not too bothered about not paying his taxes. He was annoyed when his family would hound him for the money he had borrowed. These things were rarely brought up between the two of us. I felt it was his business and not mine. We were not married, our funds were not co-mingled. For the first 5 years he was paying what he said he would towards the bills. Paying for many things outside of that such as meals out, movies, groceries. It was only after electing to do this new job that I could sense he was spiraling out of control. As that was happening, I was attempting to get to the bottom of what was going on and he was pulling farther away from me. My gut was screaming. His leaving before I came home on the 1st told me that he had loads to hide and wanted to get the leg up on me. He would leave before I would have the opportunity to kick him out.
I know why I chose him. I know what\'s at the base of my two horrible choices. My lack of self esteem, and my desire to \"be there\" for others. So - do I become a self-absorbed egomaniac that doesn\'t give a crap for anyone but me?????? San
Standing up for yourself and putting yourself first does NOT make you a self-absorbed egomaniac. It makes you an emotionally healthy and mature person. BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES! They may be tough to set at first, but the payoff is huge!
As to the length of this relationship, I just ASSUMED that you had been married. In retrospect, aren\'t you glad you weren\'t? One of the lessons here might be NOT to compromise your own financial security in the future...especially for someone you\'re not legally married to. The law does provide a certain amount of financial protection.
Hugs to you.
Your statement that you chose him because of your lack of self esteem and need to care for others tells me that you need to read \"Date or Soul Mate\" before your next relationship. This book helps you understand yourself first and why you make the decisions you do. I read it and it has really helped me understand myself and taught me how to make better decisions when dating. Please do get the book.
Sending hugs! I\'m so sorry you\'re hurting.