Hate the Holidays

No one will probably even read this....so here goes anyway.  I just feel like every year gets worse for me around the holidays.  I hate it.  I used to absolutely love the holidays and spending time with family....now hardly speak to any of my immediate family except my parents.  They all think they are better than me, all have so much judgement to pass on me.  I  decided months ago that they just don't care about me like they should in an unconditional way.  I always feel unwanted and uncomfortable when I would go to holidays and get-togethers with them so I decided that I just wouldn't go anymore.  I feel much more welcome when I walk into my husband's family's house than I do my own.   I haven't been to any family functions in a long time and today I got an email from my oldest sister telling me that she doesn't like that I have estranged myself from my family and that it is not fair to our parents to feel torn.....geezzzzz I can't even please them by staying out of their lives and not bothering them.....what else can I do?  I don't want to be around them, I really don't.  Its soooo incredibly fake when I am around them.  I can't stand that feeling.  My kids even feel it.  Am I wrong for not mending things?  I'm not ready.  I don't know that I will be. Other than that.  I am here ... surviving.  Trying to make it nice for the kids right now...decorating when I can make myself.   god, I sound like a pathetic chronic whiner.  ewwwwww.