harmed today

ugh so it was building up and it was almost like I planned it. I said to myself Thursday if you still feel this way you are going to harm. Stupid thing is instead of burning where I can cover it up I have bruised my eye. On top of that its still early in the day and I know I am going to do it again and make it worse. Its stupid, I know it doesn't help but I cant help myself. It almost gives me control over the situation and a quick release of physical pain to cover the mental anguish. Maybe subconsciously I am crying out for help. its my sons 5th birthday this weekend so there are family things planned now I have to explain away this. They know about the depression but it may not stop the questions. I just want to feel normal again.