Harder Than I Thought...

I miss him.  Why?  I have no idea.  But when I think about going back, I get this sick feeling in my stomach.  Go back to what?  Getting punched in the head?  Being told that I'm a worthless whore?  His porn addiction?  What's there to go back to?  He keeps telling me, "We'll work things out."  What's there to work out?  He had 6 years of chances, and I honestly don't think he's going to change anything this time, or ever.  I go to a support group once a week for battered women.  The woman who runs the group has been working with women like me for almost as long as I've been alive.  She says that even IF the men get help, and LOTS of it, the violence may stop, but the verbal abuse almost never does.  And by 'almost never' she means that she only saw it all completely change in 1 man.  Just one.  She said about 15-20 stopped the physical violence, but still verbally, sexually, emotionally, and financially abused their wives.  The rest always went back to their same old ways.  That's 20+ years of working with these women and their husbands.  So, is he going to really change?  Probably not.  And since he has broken EVERY promise he's EVER made to me, I don't see what reasons I have to trust him now.  In fact, he has never even given one single reason to trust him.OK, so what do I miss?  I haven't actually even cried about any of this.  I feel like I am all 'cried out'.  I've been crying for years.  Now I just want to throw up when I think about going home.  I can't even drive anywhere near that neighborhood without my stomach turning.  I do talk to him though.  I don't know why.  It doesn't help anything at all.  It just makes it worse, and harder.  A few weeks ago he said, "I feel like you don't even want me anymore."  DING-DING-DING!!!  What was his FIRST clue??  I wanted so badly to say, "Well, yah- I left you!"  and I also wanted to say, "Well, at least now you know how I felt for 6 years!!  Hurts, doesn't it??"  But I kept my mouth shut.I've been keeping my mouth shut about alot of things for a while now.  It will be one month on Friday since I left, 4 weeks this Wednesday.  Every day that passes, I see more and more that I don't need him.  I'm trying to keep my life moving forward.  I can't wait to start taking some classes and living my new life.  But, I still feel sad about the loss of my marriage.  I read that book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft 3 times now.  I understand now why he is the way he is, and that made it a little easier.  I know now that there's no 'fixing him' because the abuse is because of the way he sees me.  He doesn't see me as a human being, an equal part, or as having any feelings at all.  He sees me as something less, someone to serve him and please him.  He even said to me, a few days after I left, "You are my wife.  You are supposed to please me."  Yup!  He had the NERVE to say that!!!  He didn't even say it in a nasty way.  He was sincere in that statement.  He honestly BELIEVES that I am on this Earth only for his pleasure, and that's all.  WHAT ABOUT ME???  What about MY happiness???  Once again, this is why I left.  Fifty percent of the reason why I left was because of the abuse.  The other fifty percent is because of the porn.   OK, I've rambled enough...*hugs* to all of my friends!  I'm sorry I haven't hugged anyone lately- things have been so difficult for me to handle.  I hope everyone understands.  I pray for my DS friends every night before I go to bed.  I think of all of you daily.