Hard week
It's sort of weird. Inside, I feel some peace and happiness. I guess I could say about "the entirety" if that makes sense. But on the surface, the things that are "going on", I feel as if I've done something wrong and nobody will tell me what. I feel like everyone hit their "ignore" button. I know that's just feelings; I know people are busy, they have their own problems going on and sometimes good things. People sometimes get uncomfortable with someone whose life seems like a major disaster or Superfund site.
I found some papers when I was cleaning up the other day. My daughter had written various entries about how she tried to kill herself 3 times and her father abused her. About how she thought I hated her, because of his mind games...I didn't speak when they showed up after he was supposed to drop them off for summer visitation and my whole world crashed. I'd been going to bed every night with their picture in my arms and I would cry myself to sleep. I wrote to the Court. It wasn't my fault about him playing the mind games, but my reaction or response hurt her and I don't know how to fix it.
I just feel sort of sad overall. I try to maintain a positive attitude, I have tried to discuss things with him to keep costs-emotional as well as financial-down. I try not to say/do the wrong thing because I recognize that my daughters have been traumatized and they cannot deal with any of those matters at a conscious level at present.I feel hurt when I try to deal with matters ans I know he is being destructive, yet they acclimate to him, and don't seem to think he is doing wrong. I know that's not completely true, but the knowledge doesn't help me to feel better.
When the house had caught on fire the other night, he made it extremely clear to me that he didn't care what happened to me-like that is something new. I had just come home from work and saw he was out and about, doing whatever he does with the people he hangs out with. When he accused me of starting the fire, I figured that is just normal him, but it made me remember how early this spring, I was trying to do repairs around the house and some deep cleaning. Just to be a decent person, just to try to stay on the high road. I suppose that is the crux of the matter.
Trying and even accomplishing doesn't go anywhere. Everything I worked for was taken from me. Everything I'm trying to do is going to medical and attorney fees, and not because I've done anything wrong, but because he was playing me. The basement flooded what? 2 or 3 times? My stuff was ruined. The fire? My stuff got burned up? The insurance reimbursement checks for therapy I was going to because of the emotional pain of this betrayal? He took and spent those-I still have to make more payments, and I have paid already more than what I owed. When he smashed the dehumidifier, the girls got sort of sick; I was coughing up blood. And honestly, it was scary. Plus the costs for doctor visits and antibiotics. Plus the $30 for furnace filters to take the mold and spores out of the air. Plus the cost of another dehumidifier, since the standing water/moisture was going to damage the house as well as contents and health.
I found paperwork this week that showed me that he had plenty of money when we divorced before yet he wouldn't do a proper settlement. He said he wanted to marry me again, I realize, because roommates don't generally "invest" in their landlord's life. If I'd known that he was going to pull this again, I would have saved my money. Between what I paid and chores and everything, I have been taken to the cleaners. And having learned that he was taking a lot of trips after we divorced, told our daughter to lie when he was out of state (she would always say he was "asleep" if I called to ask for him), I realize even more that I was set up.
What really sucks is that both my kids went to Halloween parties. I'm glad for them; I just remember I gave a party-first one in YEARS-for 4th of July and had a great time and it seemed everyone else did too. I was excited about doing more of that. Unfortunately, I get no say so in the fact that I have been unilaterally voted out of my life by people who don't give a damn. I don't have anywhere to go, noone to do anything with. I can't even really clean because I have to wait to hear from the insurance adjuster. The smoke damage has to be specially taken care of and I don't want things more messed up than they are. My husband is probably out doing whatever. I know that when you do the wrong thing, it catches up-eventually. But that doesn't alleviate the sorrows and worries I face now. Just one of those facts that I have to concentrate on to keep on going. Whatever. Maybe I'll see some progress someday. I just know my daughters and I would like to leave here; I'm an adult and I'm basically a prisoner to a guy who has proven himself to have no use for others' needs or wants but finds plenty of methods and "reason" to punish "loved ones" who don't give him what he wants when he wants it-even if it means they go without or sleep in a cold car in a parking lot somewhere. Real happy thoughts.
I found some papers when I was cleaning up the other day. My daughter had written various entries about how she tried to kill herself 3 times and her father abused her. About how she thought I hated her, because of his mind games...I didn't speak when they showed up after he was supposed to drop them off for summer visitation and my whole world crashed. I'd been going to bed every night with their picture in my arms and I would cry myself to sleep. I wrote to the Court. It wasn't my fault about him playing the mind games, but my reaction or response hurt her and I don't know how to fix it.
I just feel sort of sad overall. I try to maintain a positive attitude, I have tried to discuss things with him to keep costs-emotional as well as financial-down. I try not to say/do the wrong thing because I recognize that my daughters have been traumatized and they cannot deal with any of those matters at a conscious level at present.I feel hurt when I try to deal with matters ans I know he is being destructive, yet they acclimate to him, and don't seem to think he is doing wrong. I know that's not completely true, but the knowledge doesn't help me to feel better.
When the house had caught on fire the other night, he made it extremely clear to me that he didn't care what happened to me-like that is something new. I had just come home from work and saw he was out and about, doing whatever he does with the people he hangs out with. When he accused me of starting the fire, I figured that is just normal him, but it made me remember how early this spring, I was trying to do repairs around the house and some deep cleaning. Just to be a decent person, just to try to stay on the high road. I suppose that is the crux of the matter.
Trying and even accomplishing doesn't go anywhere. Everything I worked for was taken from me. Everything I'm trying to do is going to medical and attorney fees, and not because I've done anything wrong, but because he was playing me. The basement flooded what? 2 or 3 times? My stuff was ruined. The fire? My stuff got burned up? The insurance reimbursement checks for therapy I was going to because of the emotional pain of this betrayal? He took and spent those-I still have to make more payments, and I have paid already more than what I owed. When he smashed the dehumidifier, the girls got sort of sick; I was coughing up blood. And honestly, it was scary. Plus the costs for doctor visits and antibiotics. Plus the $30 for furnace filters to take the mold and spores out of the air. Plus the cost of another dehumidifier, since the standing water/moisture was going to damage the house as well as contents and health.
I found paperwork this week that showed me that he had plenty of money when we divorced before yet he wouldn't do a proper settlement. He said he wanted to marry me again, I realize, because roommates don't generally "invest" in their landlord's life. If I'd known that he was going to pull this again, I would have saved my money. Between what I paid and chores and everything, I have been taken to the cleaners. And having learned that he was taking a lot of trips after we divorced, told our daughter to lie when he was out of state (she would always say he was "asleep" if I called to ask for him), I realize even more that I was set up.
What really sucks is that both my kids went to Halloween parties. I'm glad for them; I just remember I gave a party-first one in YEARS-for 4th of July and had a great time and it seemed everyone else did too. I was excited about doing more of that. Unfortunately, I get no say so in the fact that I have been unilaterally voted out of my life by people who don't give a damn. I don't have anywhere to go, noone to do anything with. I can't even really clean because I have to wait to hear from the insurance adjuster. The smoke damage has to be specially taken care of and I don't want things more messed up than they are. My husband is probably out doing whatever. I know that when you do the wrong thing, it catches up-eventually. But that doesn't alleviate the sorrows and worries I face now. Just one of those facts that I have to concentrate on to keep on going. Whatever. Maybe I'll see some progress someday. I just know my daughters and I would like to leave here; I'm an adult and I'm basically a prisoner to a guy who has proven himself to have no use for others' needs or wants but finds plenty of methods and "reason" to punish "loved ones" who don't give him what he wants when he wants it-even if it means they go without or sleep in a cold car in a parking lot somewhere. Real happy thoughts.
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