Hard to smile

Sometimes I have a pity party for myself. I look back over my life and Can't think of anyone that I hurt that bad for me to suffer so. my whole life I had challenges. When my first daughter was born she was perfect. At age 8 she was diagnosed with scoliosis and put in a Boston brace at age 12. My heart broke when I had to rub her body down with alcohol to toughen her skin so that the brace didn't irritate her skin as much. This was the worst age it could have happened. She was a teenager. I remember her tears when we put large sweatshirts over pants to hide the brace. My second daughter came along. She too was a beauty. At 3 months I knew there was something wrong. She couldn't hear. Her pediatrician told me she was too young to be tested and we had to wait until she was 6 months old. I was right. She was severely to profoundly deaf. The next 5 years were a blur. I took her to speech therapy every day sometimes twice a day. The docs told me she would never speak. Fast forward 20 years and she graduated with honors at University of Florida With her doctorate.  She wears two hearing aids and although she is deaf never learned sign language until college when she had to take a language. Things went well for a while. We left NY and moved to Fl. In 1995 I hurt my neck. I went for pt which did nothing. I finally saw a neurological surgeon who told me that my disc was herniated into the spinal cord and I needed surgery ASAP. That was the beginning of the end. In '98 I became a widow. I buried him on my birthday. Great bda gift. Four years later I had my second neck surgery. After that I had multiple surgeries on my neck and back. I have been in pain since. I feel jealous of the other grandparents of my grandchildren. They take the kids to the movies and roller skating rinks and bowling and I am a lump on a log. 
I am sorry this is so long but I am so depressed and my foot still hurts and I just don't want to do this anymore.