Hard Time
I have been having a difficult time for some time, now. There is just too much stuff and not enough plate. Me dealing has been very difficult for the last two weeks, and some stuff, one would say, would be an easy fix or shouldn't matter, but it does. It's hard to be hurt, hurt others, bc inevitably, someone always does get hurt. I can't be everything to everyone. I still wish my life was different in so many ways, and I look back, and see what I thought was the right decision on so much (at the time), turned out to be a poor decision on my part. My kids are struggling in ways, that no parent should have to witness--my older son, especially to the point where I am truly scared for him. I can't focus on my job, me, or anyone and I feel like I've let everyone, including myself down. I realize I'm not superwoman, mom, gf, or anything. I can feel myself sink into a depression because of it, but right now the anxiety is taking over. I think I have lost about 5 lbs, I look sad and terrible, people can see it, they see it written on my face even though I try to hide it. I just wish I knew what to do. I'm just hurt and sad about it all especially when you try your best with nothing but a shitty outcome. I want the best for us all, but something has got to give.
I have seen so many move on positively that I have known from here for some time. I also see them struggle from time to time, so I know it happens. I wish I didn't have the 4 prong fork in the road. I wish I could change things for us all, but I cannot. It's just a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I wish I could curb the anxiety, as I need rest, I need sleep, I need peace and serenity. I'm just not wired that way, no matter what I do. I needed to write this, to see it, to feel it. If the new ones must know, I've been divorced for 3 years...try to think choices out,
I have seen so many move on positively that I have known from here for some time. I also see them struggle from time to time, so I know it happens. I wish I didn't have the 4 prong fork in the road. I wish I could change things for us all, but I cannot. It's just a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I wish I could curb the anxiety, as I need rest, I need sleep, I need peace and serenity. I'm just not wired that way, no matter what I do. I needed to write this, to see it, to feel it. If the new ones must know, I've been divorced for 3 years...try to think choices out,
Replies
It is so weird to write here again....I never thought I\'d be doing it...for the same, yet different reasons.
Kids are often the collateral damage when stuff hits the fan. After my divorce I started getting panic attacks. Never had them before but it would just hit and just take my breath away until it passed. A friend of mine gets them from time to time and he said it\'s like impending doooooom! So there are folks out there that know exactly what those are like. Keep writing journals and reaching out to folks that care about you and yes we do care about you!
:\'( Scott you\'re a wonderful person and man. You always seem to lift me up.
llmt, You hold such a dear place in my heart, and I hate to see you\'re in pain. Know I\'m always here (or there) ;) for you! Prayers sent up for peace for you and your son. *slips you a g&t*
Mavsie....I watched your video of your son....made me smile. Thank you for the kind words and I will take your G&T. LOL. I just want off this fucking merry go round.
Llmt Big Hugs to you. You are not.the only one with these emotions,you just found the way to write them. Take a deep breath and walk on! You too can say that where you are today is a better place than where you were, even with all the BS of today. We are with ya!
Oh yes WT, I am in a somewhat better state but not so in others. All I can say is to take stock in your life and truly see what is important to you. It\'s hard to write but seriously it\'s just been one fucking thing after another. I get my feet down then the rug gets ripped. Unfortunately it has made me more jaded than I care to be.
Limit, I hears your same worries echoed in my friend who has been divorced two years. I think she\'s doing great, but her 3 kids, job boyfriend and ex pull her in so many directions, and she teeters on depression too. I know it sounds .ike a platitude, but take deep breaths, and do one thing at a time. No matter what is happening with your kids, be sure they know how much you love them. I am always shocked with my own, how every rough period is followed by a better one. And there are days when I don\'t think I can handle my daughter at all. It always gets better!
Are you saying you regret the divorce?
Well, yes, it has been a long time since you journaled, but me too! I don\'t have too many pearls of wisdom, girlfriend, cuz if I did, I\'d break the strand, and give you one a week, until you felt better! But just know, that deep down inside, you are a precious one, who has a lot to offer. And in time, you can and will pick yourself back up, which is a must for you, and your kids.
If you\'re more comfortable emailing me, that\'s cool. I\'m worried about you, and your oldest son. As you know, a lot of your pain, will trickle down, and he\'s probably hurting for his Mommy too! So, if possible, go out, and do something with a good friend, lift your spirits up, surround yourself with good people....then do the same with the kids! Gotta try to give yourself some normal moments, even when \"normal\" is hard to come by! Even if you have to fabricate them, and fake it, til you make it, or feel a little better! Again, I\'m sorry about the circumstances, and I do feel for you! I really do! Sometimes I just wonder why bad stuff keeps on happenin to good people??? Hang in there sweetheart, and you can email me anytime, or call in person too! I hope you know that!!! Hugs your way!
I know all about the merry go round all too well. I know what it feels like to be too little butter scraped across too much bread. You are a strong woman and I am sure your kids give you more strength than you thought you had, as does my son. I am deep in the middle of my own emotional garbage dump so I really don\'t have any great wisdom to offer. I try to find reasons to smile every day even if it only happens once...for that brief moment, I do feel better. Know that I feel for you and hope you find your peace.
I know what you mean about making the right choices. I often wonder what would have happened had I given Richard just one chance... he has walked away from his children - and it is so painful for them. But, be careful about staying with the new guy in order to make up for something done in the past.