Hard Finding Normal
I have spent the greater part of the last six years volunteering with the same organization. The day prior to DDay I invested the whole day in a large scale project and was feeling so proud of myself for the work I had done. I also had donated blood that day and spent time listening to some specific "upbeat" music.
All of those things are now triggers.
When one of those songs came on the other day - TEN MONTHS after DDay - I froze. I sat frozen for a long moment and then as my heart started to race and my body refused to do what I thought it should be doing, I realized what was happening. The song. God. The stupid song that had brought me so much joy... it was drowning me in a flood of emotion.
I managed to get to the remote control for the stereo and fumbled to turn it off and then proceeded to fall apart. H. found me just after I had turned off the stereo, shaking and tense. "What? What is it, baby girl?"He didn't get it no matter how I tried to explain. He tried, but he just kept saying, "It's just a song. You turned it off. It's over."
Will it ever be over?
On the 22nd there is another volunteer activity similar to the one the day before DDay. While logically I can reason that "that was then, this is now" it's the same anytime I donate blood. My pulse races, I am filled with dread, and I think, "I don't want to do this." Logically, I know that going to these volunteer events doesn't "make" my husband cheat. I know that giving blood has nothing to do with his affair. Even though I know these incidents are not in any way actually associated with what happened, my body and brain react and I have a hard time getting things under control.
I have backed off from volunteer work considerably. I have even backed off donating blood and would only do so when my husband would come with me. I feel so angry and resentful sometimes that the OW and my husband have taken these things from me. Other times, I know that no one took those things, I am just taking them from myself. But how do I give them back to myself?
It's hard reclaiming what was mine. It's hard finding "normal" again.
All of those things are now triggers.
When one of those songs came on the other day - TEN MONTHS after DDay - I froze. I sat frozen for a long moment and then as my heart started to race and my body refused to do what I thought it should be doing, I realized what was happening. The song. God. The stupid song that had brought me so much joy... it was drowning me in a flood of emotion.
I managed to get to the remote control for the stereo and fumbled to turn it off and then proceeded to fall apart. H. found me just after I had turned off the stereo, shaking and tense. "What? What is it, baby girl?"He didn't get it no matter how I tried to explain. He tried, but he just kept saying, "It's just a song. You turned it off. It's over."
Will it ever be over?
On the 22nd there is another volunteer activity similar to the one the day before DDay. While logically I can reason that "that was then, this is now" it's the same anytime I donate blood. My pulse races, I am filled with dread, and I think, "I don't want to do this." Logically, I know that going to these volunteer events doesn't "make" my husband cheat. I know that giving blood has nothing to do with his affair. Even though I know these incidents are not in any way actually associated with what happened, my body and brain react and I have a hard time getting things under control.
I have backed off from volunteer work considerably. I have even backed off donating blood and would only do so when my husband would come with me. I feel so angry and resentful sometimes that the OW and my husband have taken these things from me. Other times, I know that no one took those things, I am just taking them from myself. But how do I give them back to myself?
It's hard reclaiming what was mine. It's hard finding "normal" again.
Replies
Yep, normal and normal. It\'s a post traumatic stress reaction. It\'s not that you think those events caused the A; it\'s just that you now associate those events with a very traumatic experience. When you experience a trigger, you feel the emotions as if the original traumatic event has taken place. In time, the severity fades. I\'m over most of my triggers except a few. Let\'s just say that I\'m very grateful that I hate coffee, because one of \"their places\" was Starbucks. I will never again shop in the department store in which he worked with her. I can\'t even stand seeing their commercial on TV. The only one that upsets me is not being able to listen to James Taylor anymore. We had a wonderful, romantic getaway to AC and we saw JT in concert. It was smack in the middle of the A timeperiod. That one still kills me to this day. Just give yourself more time. Hugs.