Hard At Rehabilitation Center/Encounter In My Therapists Waiting Room

My granddaughter called me this morning – she often calls me now & then.  She told me about this goopy stuff she got as a prize and she’ll show me when I come see her.  Her Dad was there because they were leaving in a couple hours to go to the hospital for her MRI.  So, I thought about what my therapist told me yesterday to spend more time there.  I talked to her Dad and told him I was thinking of coming out there today.  I felt better knowing he was there.  I don’t really want to go myself and I’m not sure why.  I probably would not have gone today if she didn’t call me and if he wasn’t there.  I do notice that when I’m with people I don’t know I’m not as outgoing as I usually am.  I’m still friendly but a lot quieter.  And that did happen today.  I went and there were so many people there during the day.  I usually go at night or on the weekends and there are much less people.    My granddaughter had to introduce me to everyone that came up to us or was around us.  “This is my Nana!”  And she wouldn’t end with that because she’d tell them to “Watch this,” and she’d say “My Nana!,”  and give me the biggest & longest hug – each time and they all had to watch.  And, along with the “I missed you, Nana.”  She says that a lot, a lot.  Even when I’m there and when I leave.  And all the hugs and just ‘loving’ on my arm & hand and stroking her face with it, etc.  It’s so sweet but it breaks my heart how much and how intense it is.  I feel for her so much.  And, of course, I think about me when I was in the hospital for 5 weeks when I was 7 turning 8 years old.    But the worst part was just being there.  It’s so hard for me.  I want to tell everyone I see, “That was my best friend with all those plaques and areas in her memory.  She was my best friend and I miss her so much.”  But I keep it to myself and tell very few people there.  We were actually playing in that room today.  It was more difficult than I thought.  And, I had to keep it all to myself.    We went back to her room and then to an area that picked her up to go to the hospital.  After I said goodbye I did my own little exposure.  I went back to the room with the plaques and the areas and got closer and to just look.  I got tears in my eyes and couldn’t stay.  I left just wanting to cry & cry (like now just writing this) but as usual, I just tried to stuff it all and stop.  That’s what I did.  I drove to my therapist’s office to look for an earring I lost yesterday and to sit in the waiting area just to find out if I could figure out this wi-fi thing.  I want to watch those “throwing up” YouTube videos with her and she doesn’t have the internet.  So I brought my IPod and my cell phone.  I saw where there is one network there but you need a password to get in.    I was sitting next to a guy who was doing something on his phone.  I asked him if he can get on the internet in there.  Yes, but he pays special on his account to do so.  Then a lady came out and he went in.  So, I thought I’d ask her because you never know who can help you.  She said she works with that man and if anyone would know it would be him.    So we got to talking and they come together for 25 minute massages.  It ends up they work at the same place as my flaky friend  - the one that’s my best friend’s sister (the one that died of breast cancer with all the plaques & areas)!  How weird.  I asked her if she knows her and she said yes, she even sits right by her.  She’s trying to get her to come here for massages but she doesn’t want to leave the office.  That doesn’t sound like her at all!  She’s gotten it from this girl when she comes out there and she really likes her.  So she asked my name because I told her I’ve know her forever.  She tried to call her right then but she didn’t answer her phone.  She said she’d tell her she saw me.    Great!  I acted like I was just inquiring about the massages.  I hope she doesn’t figure out I actually see a therapist there and tell her.  Only my husband and daughter and her boyfriend know about that.  No one else (except my friends on this DS).  I don’t like to tell people.  I told her I had to be somewhere and couldn’t wait for her to come back out and in a little bit left.  That was so strange.  Little did I know I’d run into this person right there in this waiting area.  I told my daughter what happened because I told her I didn’t want this friend of mine to know I’m seeing a counselor.  That’s all I need now is to run into my friend there!  Oh, my that would not be good!  And, although my therapist would not necessarily see her, she knows all about this friend because that’s one of the first things I talked about when I first came to see her 2 years ago.  What a small world this is.   So I wanted so badly to call my therapist and tell her what happened to me today.  Even with a phone message and not talk to her.  How really hard it is at the rehabilitation center for me and it just rubs it in about my best friend not being here.  And, how I miss her so much and don’t have anyone in my real life to share with like this.  Well, my therapist I share with but I always joke and tell her she’s not a “real” person.  I fear this dependency with her.  And, I wanted to tell her how now I have to worry about seeing this friend of mine there and what would I say to her.  But I can’t.  So I write away.    It seems too far away that I see her next – not until next Thursday – a whole nother week because I had to go a day earlier because of her trip.  It’s always harder for me when she’s gone.  It’s just the idea that if something happens and I need her, she’s not around.  Not that anything will happen but just knowing makes me more anxious.   Like yesterday when she told me someone might be going into the bathroom when I had to go.  It just makes it worse to think about being in that situation.  She has a cell phone and she is not out of the country this time but I would not want to call her unless it’s an emergency.  I haven’t had to yet and hope I never will have to.    So, maybe when she calls me Monday I’ll tell her about today but I don’t want to overwhelm her with things.  Already there are a few things that happened and there’s a lot going on this weekend.  See … that’s why we need these check-in phone calls or double sessions.  I feel like things I need to tell her keep piling up and piling up.  Then in our sessions we don’t get to everything and they keep piling up.  That’s why the phone messages were ideal.  I didn’t have to bother her, I’d say what I needed to so I could move forward and she’d listen and use it to help me when she saw me.  I hate being like this – I really do.  I don’t like asking for things for myself – I don’t.  It makes me feel like a bad person and I’ve never been this way before.  Why do I need this?  I shouldn’t.    I picked up my little grandson from school today and took him home with me.  I always love to see the excitement on his face when he sees me, “Nana!”  I taught him how to play checkers for the first time.  I won the first game and “let” him win the second.  He was excited.  When my daughter came to get him she vented to my husband and I about her troubles with her boyfriend.  Oiy!  And they just got engaged.  They didn’t schedule another therapist’s appointment until mid this month.    I got my mail just before I got my grandson this afternoon and there was an envelope from my son who lives so far away.  He finally returned his birth certificate & social security card to me along with a photo card.  Yeah!  Just looking at the envelope in his handwriting made me want to cry.  I miss him so much and this is the longest I’ve ever gone not seeing him and it’s been 5 months now.  And he’s so far away!  Why do I always want to cry so much?  And when I start to I just “stuff it” and stop myself.  That can’t be good.  I do feel it building up inside getting bigger and bigger.  I’d love to be able to cry at a safe place like at my therapists but I’m scared to do that, too.