Happy update
Well, its been a long time since I've written on DS except to read journals. If you're in a low place you can skip it but maybe it will give you hope.
Since I last wrote a journal a lot has happened. I had another early miscarriage last summer and after that my husband and I decided to give up all infertility treatments. Ha! Actually, the doctors and our insurance company made the decision for us. After 7 miscarriages and 3 failed IVFs the insurance company told us that we had a less than 5% chance of having a healthy child. The head of the clinic where I'd been for almost 7 years sat down with me and said, "If you were my daughter I'd tell you to STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF."
I was devastated. I tried to fight the insurance company and lost. The clinic was telling me donor egg was the only way (which to me seemed like a simultaneous kick to the heart and the uterus.) I grieved for I don't know how many months. Then we started looking into adoption. After a couple months of researching we met with and chose an agency.
Then something very unlikely happened. I was in a very heartbroken/angry place and was praying that God would just take the desire to have a baby away when, I kid you not, I felt him say - "you will give birth to a baby." I didn't know how to take that; it felt dangerous to trust a message like that but I decided that after all I'd been through - I could survive anything. So I said, "OK God, I've exhausted everything else. We'll start trying again when you tell us to, just please, please don't let me have another miscarriage."
So that was our game plan which is kinda no plan at all. About 9 months went by of me not conceiving - which is weird for me (carrying, not conceiving has always been my problem). I started to think, "great, now something else is wrong with me!" Then lo and behold, I got pregnant in January! I am now about to enter the 3rd trimester with an apparently healthy baby boy!!! Its been a really hard pregnancy - I had to take a medical leave, and I was high-risk for a long time, I'm still throwing up - but only only you guys would understand how someone could be so physically miserable and so emotionally grateful at the same time.
We think we're going to name him Theodore ("gift from God") Mitchell (my Nana's maiden name, who passed away) and call him Theo.
Its so hard to know your limit, of what you can take, when its time to give up, of how much of your life and money and energy to pour into an impossible dream. Its hard to decide how many trips to hell and back you can make. Cause maybe next time it will work or hurt less or you'll learn something new...
I'm so glad I didn't give up when I really wanted to. I hope everyone gets their miracle.
Since I last wrote a journal a lot has happened. I had another early miscarriage last summer and after that my husband and I decided to give up all infertility treatments. Ha! Actually, the doctors and our insurance company made the decision for us. After 7 miscarriages and 3 failed IVFs the insurance company told us that we had a less than 5% chance of having a healthy child. The head of the clinic where I'd been for almost 7 years sat down with me and said, "If you were my daughter I'd tell you to STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF."
I was devastated. I tried to fight the insurance company and lost. The clinic was telling me donor egg was the only way (which to me seemed like a simultaneous kick to the heart and the uterus.) I grieved for I don't know how many months. Then we started looking into adoption. After a couple months of researching we met with and chose an agency.
Then something very unlikely happened. I was in a very heartbroken/angry place and was praying that God would just take the desire to have a baby away when, I kid you not, I felt him say - "you will give birth to a baby." I didn't know how to take that; it felt dangerous to trust a message like that but I decided that after all I'd been through - I could survive anything. So I said, "OK God, I've exhausted everything else. We'll start trying again when you tell us to, just please, please don't let me have another miscarriage."
So that was our game plan which is kinda no plan at all. About 9 months went by of me not conceiving - which is weird for me (carrying, not conceiving has always been my problem). I started to think, "great, now something else is wrong with me!" Then lo and behold, I got pregnant in January! I am now about to enter the 3rd trimester with an apparently healthy baby boy!!! Its been a really hard pregnancy - I had to take a medical leave, and I was high-risk for a long time, I'm still throwing up - but only only you guys would understand how someone could be so physically miserable and so emotionally grateful at the same time.
We think we're going to name him Theodore ("gift from God") Mitchell (my Nana's maiden name, who passed away) and call him Theo.
Its so hard to know your limit, of what you can take, when its time to give up, of how much of your life and money and energy to pour into an impossible dream. Its hard to decide how many trips to hell and back you can make. Cause maybe next time it will work or hurt less or you'll learn something new...
I'm so glad I didn't give up when I really wanted to. I hope everyone gets their miracle.
Replies
Ahhhhhh!!! Erin!!! This is incredible news!! So very happy for you!!! Congratulations!! Thank you for letting us know, and share in your joy!
So incredibly happy for you. God is soooo good.
Such great news Erin. I\'m so happy for your miracle. My issue too is to carry to term not to conceive. You give me hope to try again someday.
xo
This is a great journal, I am so happy for you, what a beautiful story!! Congratulations, I can imagine how hard it has been in terms of fear for you to get through this pregnancy but the reward will be so worth it!! :-)