Happy Thoughts

Am I a failure? I'm 30, in a bad marriage. I have no children and don't feel a draw to have children, but I've been told I am unnatural, that I am missing out on an essential part of womanhood.

That I will regret not having kids because I will be old and alone with no one to care for me.

My anxiety and dread of the future make everything seem bleak.

I had dreams. I wanted us to move back near my family. My husband promised we would 11 years ago. He avoids the subject at every turn, or threatens to kick me out.

The only success I feel I have is in having my marriage, in the fact that I own a mobile home. My job is entry level, retail. I have no children. I have three grown step sons.

I'm scared. But where I am now, I want to die. My joy is gone completely.  I just want to move back in with my gramma, and work to help her and my brother. But is my life over if I do this? Is it over now?

If I didn't wake up anymore I wouldn't have to worry about the future, about loss, about failure.

I'm so tired.