Happy New Year 2010

My son left to go back on Saturday.  I had trouble with it and called and left her messages Friday and Saturday a couple times.  It was hard but I think I’m OK.  I don’t think I’ve cried enough, or what ever.  I feel like I’ve just put a lid on it.  But we didn’t go into that too much.  Just that my husband isn’t there for me and goes off on his tangents when I try.    We talked about my son not being conventional and going off in his ways.  How that’s what he wants to do.  He doesn’t even want to come back here.  He quit his job and is planning on moving.  He got money from the study (I told her all the dollar amounts) and I hoped I’d see some of that.  She didn’t think so.  Well, I didn’t.  This is his lifestyle and will probably never (not never) leave it.  How can I not go through this all the time.    My son did say we raised him well.  She said she bets that felt good to hear.  Yes.  We weren’t very strict.  But I was the outspoken one.  When my husband would threaten to do something he never followed through and then he didn’t back me up.  It was really bad.  I got teary eyed again a little today.  But not a lot, not enough for kleenex.  I did say about my daughter is much better now since having my grandson.  She had to go to a place (she’s heard of it) a couple times when she was growing up.    I asked her if he was like she thought after meeting him.  She said he was more serious but guessed that’s because he’s smiling in all the pictures.  She said a lot of his facial expressions are like my husbands and how he gets off on his tangents like him.  She sees both my husband and I in him.  I said how he didn’t seem to want to be with the family Friday night.  It’s hurtful.    We talked about how I have to do everything when my kids are over.  Everything for the little kids and clean up and such.  How they are all into their technology.  I hate it.  And how no one helped – except at the end – on New Years.  It’s so frustrating and she can see it.  We all had a good time, I don’t show it but she sees how I feel about it.  I forgot to bring all those papers about how things really haven’t changed from a long time ago.  She asked if my family growing up was like this.  Not really – I was an only child.  And my husband adds to the loneliness with him being into his new IPod.  I knew that would happen.  She asked me about something being hard to make changes.  Yes, I replied but I don’t remember what it was about.    We talked about my sons girlfriend being a great spark to the family.  I want us to all interact together.  And clean up together.  She said I should give people chores to do.  I wouldn’t want everyone in the kitchen at the same time she thought.  Well … maybe, maybe not.  She said to try an experiment and not clean up afterwards.  Don’t initiate anything and leave and go do something else.  See what happens.  Don’t even put any leftovers away.  If they’re out too long I’ll have to throw them out.  She said it would be an interesting experiment and I said I’ll do it.  She said especially my daughter should help out.  Maybe we’ll be together again this coming Sunday.  Yesterday we weren’t – enough is enough with so much lately.  She saw my resistance a little.  I said because I feel like I should do it all and also because my husband cooks so maybe he shouldn’t have to clean up.  She said when she has a party, you don’t always want to clean up while people are over, she and her husband both do it together when people leave no matter who cooks.  I had told her earlier I start cleaning up right away because I don’t like my house to be a mess..    At the end we talked about the control thing that I do.  She asked me for that in writing.  Like I really do that.  But I told her it’s not in a bad way.  She still wanted it in writing.  We were ending and I didn’t say but it’s not the ‘my way is the only way’ type of thing.  Maybe we’ll talk about that sometime.  I know why I want to control things because I can’t in other ways.  But does she think it’s too much?  I personally don’t think so.  Someone has to take charge and I do it.  I did need to go to the bathroom at a point.  I told her and she glanced at the clock.  We went on talking.  I did good for a while.  Finally when it got harder I asked her how long it’s been.  6 minutes.  I tried to go on.  I said a sentence or two but couldn’t concentrate on anything else when I tried and told her.  I told her to just say anything.  She summarized what we were talking about.  I had to go really badly by now.  Moving a little and doing a lot of wincing.  Finally I said, “I can’t do this anymore,” and went after she finished her sentence.    I got back and I asked her if she put the milk in the pantry.  She didn’t remember.  It was what we were talking about before I left.  I remembered!  But the point was to change things and see what happens.  She learned that in Grad School about 14 years ago.  I then asked her how long I waited - 8 minutes.  I said it was nice because no one was there and I didn’t have to worry someone was in the bathroom.  She went on to something else.    We also talked about the new year with insurance and I think mental health is unlimited now but has to be renewed every 20 times.  I’m good until Nov 2010 but that date doesn’t really mean anything.  Unlimited is better for her.  She’ll just submit 2 times a month (usually she does at the end of the month) because I come twice a week.  And we’ll se what happens about them paying her December and then in the new year what I should do.  I told her it may snow Thursday.  I’ll drive in a little snow but not a lot.  She said it’s OK to reschedule if I have to.  First I thought she just meant after.  But then she offered for me to come on Wednesday instead.  Yes.  I said that’ll be good because I try to work out to go to my physical therapy on opposite days that I come here and maybe the other massage therapist can see me since my normal one is in Vegas.  She said to call her because once a month she goes out of town for classes.  I will.   So I left and decided I’ll bring those papers next time for us to read.  Earlier I told her I don’t have my pictures yet but I’ll bring those too if they are ready.  I left and interacted with the blond therapist who was talking to that older couple my therapist sees next in the waiting room.  Talking about the weather.