Happy Mother's Day
Mother's Day is approaching... Its not my favorite day... I wanted to share a journal I shared with a friend who's mother recently died...
Your journal... speaks for you... lost I think a bit right now... I totally get that... April 22nd it was 11 years my mom died... oh how I hated and still hate that word...
I find now that I wish mom and I had talked more about dying... I am facing getting older and the life changes that will bring me to my death and no mom to talk to about it...
I said when she was so ill and when she died... even though I was 50 years old... I felt in a way like I was 5... I still feel that small and fearful at times... I miss my mama so much... so like I said I hear and understand... It has gotten better... but I don't think the sadness ever totally goes away... perhaps its not supposed to... perhaps its supposed to leave our hearts a little vulnerable so we can hear and comfort others facing this pain... like we do about our kids...
I kind of have to actively work to recall good memories... how grateful I am that I had a mom I loved enough to miss and mourn as I do mine... Its early so you may not be able to hear me... but I hope at some point you will know you are being thought of with love and care...
Perhaps you might want to try an exercise I did after my daughter died... It was an exercise suggested to me by grief share.... and I found and sometimes kind of mentally go through it again... helpful... a tribute in a way...
I don't remember the directions precisely... but basically grief share exercise said that when a loved one dies... you may feel the loss in many areas of your life... because the loved one in this case was probably not just your mother.
Try listing all the roles your mother played in your life. If you like write them down or maybe if you feel more comfortable just say them aloud... Acknowledge and mourn each loss... and when you can I hope you will rejoice in each role your mother played in your life... I did this and as I said still do from time to time...
My mom was of course my mom... she was my friend... sometimes a would be partner in crime...
I want to share a funny story about that... So my first marriage ended... my husband had a drinking problem... I decided I didn't want to live that way... anyway my mother was working at a local neighborhood bar where Jerry liked to hang out... after I had left... I left town for a bit so he couldn't talk me into coming back... Jerry would go to the bar and tell mom over and over how awful I was, how much I hurt him, so forth and so on... Mom finally had enough... she told Jerry one day, "Jerry, I don't know what you expect me to say... Don't you understand, Elissa is my daughter... you keep sitting here bad mouthing her like you think we're in agreement... Man, she could kill you and I'd help her bury the body...
Oh my I'm smiling remembering... so many gifts my mom gave me... that complete love though... that's the biggest treasure... Love you mom... Yesterday, Tomorrow, Forever. Elissa Smith
Replies
I love what your mother told Jerry! Absolutely correct, I say, as a mother and a daughter. I told my daughter, the other day, the very successful one, that I was always on her team! And now that she has a daughter, she understands. I miss your mom's good sense, too.
How cool! I felt like and orphan when my mom died. She was 59, It was a lot of years ago but I miss her immensely. Tight hugs
Oh, Elissa, I just LOVE your journal as you have helped me SO much to ponder all those qualities that I adore about my mom. My mom left this earth sixteen months after Douglas did and she too had lost her first born, a son, so she stayed "longer" than I knew she wanted to. She helped me learn how to navigate this bumpy path with no road map and we could share in a way that only another mother can. The first words out of her mouth were that she had prayed that neither my sister nor me would ever have to experience the pain of this loss... She held my hand in hers and my heart and hers was a living example for me. My mom was my first and last teacher and always will BE and oh, how I miss her.
I giggled over what your mom said to Jerry about helping to bury him and know she was your greatest cheerleader.
Much gratitude for your sharing and helping me to ponder on this reflective Sunday about ALL the things I have loved and do love about my mom. Even the things that made me crazy. :) One of the last things that she said to both my sister and to me about her burial wishes that she wanted to be "creamed." Oh, Lord... we knew she meant cremated and we have had SO many laughs over that one. My mom had the most infectious sense of humor and adored laughing. After a long chat on the phone she would tell me that she had to "go" because her "ear hurt." lol! We always laughed together as well as shared our tears and I MISS that.
Thank you for sharing your Mother's Day thoughts and jogging my memory in this way.
Loving care to Cara's mom from Douglas and me,
XO Joanie
Such a beautiful journal entry. I cannot apply this to the person who is biologically my mother since we basically do not have a relationship but I think this exercise can be helpful in regards,to any lived one who has passed. When Eddie passed I had to grieve my baby, my child, and Ed, as an adult was my best friend. Probably the only person in the world I fully and without reservation, trusted. I think when we honor and grieve all the roles our loved one had in our lives, we are more,able to heal. Thank you and may Mother's day be a gentle day for you. Love to you and dearest Cara, Linda
Thank you for sharing this......still so painful for me not to have my mom here - 4 years she has been in heaven...unbelievable to me. We were best friends and she kept me sane when I was going a little crazy.....my only consolation is that 6 months later, my Jennifer joined her...what a reunion that was! The two most important people in my life are together.....sigh
Loved your story about your mom - she had your back!! I found myself smiling because that's how my mom was to....always there helping me.....
Hugs to you Cara.