Happy Birthday My Love
Today is your 60th Birthday. The first since you've been gone. As I reflect on our last week together and your decision to end your life, I wonder what the outcome would be had I handled the situation differently. It is in that horizon of my imagination-where the unlimited possibilities of "what might have been" form a background against which my understanding of "what is" emerges. For me, there is only here, and now.I am here, can you see me? I am alone, living with regret and missing you. Our choices are seldom simple or straightforward: right or wrong, yes or no. They are more complex and conflictive and intertwined with the decisions made by others. It is often the decisions made in private, known only to ourselves, that live vividly in our memories. I pray for you tonight as I always do. I pray that God has a place for you in Heaven. I pray that you forgive me for not knowing how to help you and for all the awful things I said to you. And I pray for God to forgive me and help me forgive myself. Ridding myself of guilt is my hardest challenge. And if I don't, I will never feel worthy of anyone's love. There is not enough for me to live for in this world, without someone to share it with. This is my struggle. I go to bed remembering how you always held my hand as I fell asleep. Happy Birthday, I will love you forever. Goodnight my love, goodnight.