Happy Birthday My Love

Today is your 60th Birthday. The first since you've been gone.  As I reflect on our last week together and your decision to end your life, I wonder what the outcome would be had I handled the situation differently. It is in that horizon of my imagination-where the unlimited possibilities of "what might have been" form a background against which my understanding of  "what is" emerges. For me, there is only here, and now.I am here, can you see me? I am alone, living with regret and missing you.  Our choices are seldom simple or straightforward: right or wrong, yes or no. They are more complex and conflictive and intertwined with the decisions made by others. It is often the decisions made in private, known only to ourselves, that live vividly in our memories.  I pray for you tonight as I always do. I pray that God has a place for you in Heaven. I pray that you forgive me for not knowing how to help you and for all the awful things I said to you. And I pray for God to forgive me and help me forgive myself. Ridding myself of guilt is my hardest challenge. And if I don't, I will never feel worthy of anyone's love. There is not enough for me to live for in this world, without someone to share it with. This is my struggle.  I go to bed remembering how you always held my hand as I fell asleep. Happy Birthday, I will love you forever. Goodnight my love, goodnight.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

The birthdays are the hardest days to get through, my late wife\'s b-day is next month and i really hate even thinking about it. Please do not beat yourself up on the past just think about all the good times you had. the last 2 years of our marriage was not the greatest but i would do anything to have her back for her just to yell at me again...lol. have a nice week take care.
deleted_user
deleted_user

hoping you soon find the peace you need to move on. I know all about the guilt, and it is a terrible thing. There was nothing you could have done to change his choice. I said horrible mean things too, but we were in a bad place. Our words didnt cause their action. Hoping you can soon move past the guilt,
Kim
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh Sweetie, he is with you and he loves you. Believe it! Love never dies, it is with us forever. I sooo understand your pain and frustration. Tight hugs! Love, Judy
deleted_user
deleted_user

I can completely understand all that you said. He is there and if you are really still and really quiet you can feel him. I know, I do it when I don\'t think I can go on. Try this. Please.
Also, I know how I hate for others to give me advice or tell me that things will get better. But, that being said, I feel that I should pass along one thing a dear friend said to me. I was feeling very remorseful for the awful things I said to my husband before he took his life. I was full of the \"if I had not said that\" or \"if I had not done that\" and she said to me......would you have done or said those things IF he had not done what he did to you or say what he said to you? My answer was NO. Then she said, so then you have no need to feel any regrets, you acted with the information you had at that time, not with the information from your future. So forgive yourself - it is the hardest thing to do. But by you apologizing to him, he has accepted that apology and probably is telling you that the apology, though accepted, is not necessary.
And remember, he is now happy, he does not feel the pain, he does not feel the sadness, and he is aware of you and your feelings, so let him feel your own forgiveness my friend. And it will come. Hang in there, and remember, we are all here for you, you are never alone.
1wngsfn
1wngsfn

I\'m so thankful for all of your support and comments. All of you are so thoughtful, makes me cry like a baby. No kidding! LOL I\'m typing through tears....and smiling now. Love, Debbie
deleted_user
deleted_user

Debbie, I\'m sorry I\'m so late but I echo Kim\'s sentiments. I believe the 3 of us went through very similar experiences. It\'s okay to cry! Let it out and smile. Hugs always, Claire
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks so much for posting this!
AFWC
AFWC

CindyJoyce ~ What wonderful wise words you\'ve written!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I love your heart!! You have a special way with words. I am sure he loved you very much. Hugs, Frieda