Happy Birthday Daddy

 Daddy, this is our first birthday apart and I am totally lost. I can't bring you presents and cake, as we did so many times before. Little did I know, as we celebrated a year ago in your hospital room, that it would be for the last time. I remember you were sitting up in the chair when I entered your room. You looked so much better than in the days before so, I had no reason to believe that everything was not going to be okay. We ate cake and ice cream and as I helped you sit up in the chair, I said "You weigh more than a bag of horse feed" and you responded with your normal sense of humor, that "I weighed more than a horse!" The nurse looked at us and laughed.  I said "he's on the mend". From that day, things went horribly wrong and you began the downward spiral. In exactly on week, you passed away. While the rest of the world kept going, my life came to an abrupt standstill. We were as close as a Father and daughter could possibly be. To watch you slip away from me, was the worst torture imaginable. I sat by helplessly in shock, waiting for a miracle that wasn't going to happen. Everyone I thought I could count on seemed to abandon me. I tried to be strong for you but on the inside, I was fighting with the realization of life even continuing without you. To this day, I am my own worst enemy. I constantly ask myself why I allowed me to love someone so much that it practically destroyed me to lose them. I go on from day to day, floating around in a world of "happy people". Nothing is right, nor can I picture it ever being anywhere close to normal again. My every thought is about you and I don't know if that will ever change. I put on this brave face in public but, I can feel myself growing into a person that I don't want to be. I hate to eat because you're are not here to enjoy it with me. You used to asked me to bring you all kinds of junk food and every time I go in a store, something as simple as a can of vienna sausages upsets me. While I hide my emotions very well around people, I find it extremely difficult to keep it together when I'm alone. Everything that once mattered, doesn't anymore. Thanks for all of the signs you've sent me, letting me know you're still here, watching over me. In the past couple of weeks, I keep finding coins on the ground and remember reading in Dear Abby about "pennies from Heaven". It makes me smile to think you've got something to do with this. I sometimes wonder if it makes you sad to see how I'm doing since you went to your new home. I've even pictured you crying when you see the mess that I've become. I know you're in a much better place but yet call me selfish or whatever, I need you here with me. I know that's impossible. I'll keep trying to find the pieces of my shattered heart and put them back in place. Until we meet again...just remember, I love you!!!  Happy Birthday in Heaven!