Happy Birthday beanie, sorry you couldn\'t be here

So we've gone from the positive to the negative in just a few  hours. I bet you're all thinking how erratic and beeperish (is that even a word) I'm being. Well I'm not really today is just a bad day for me.Its now 1.16am and all I can think about is what could have been. I know we shouldn't dwell on the past but today is the day my baby should have been born. Just a few short months ago I was ecstatic at the thought of being a mum again, I was willing to come off meds so I could give my  baby the best start in life, I was going to change everything for the better. I was going to be a better mum to this baby than I have been to my son. I was going to do everything by the  book then one day bang baby was gone.I remember the day so well, it was back in March, I'd woke up feeling a little sick, had the tiniest spots of blood when I went to pee and I knew it was happening all over again. After so many losses you'd think that I'd be used to it by now but I'm not. The pain is still there, so raw so intense.I ignored the spots of blood, the next day was my scan if I could just get through the day my  baby would be fine. By the time it came to my son coming home from school I was bleeding heavily and couldn't even stand up. I was in agony, i had pains in my legs, my arms, this was nothing Id ever felt before.I cried on the phone to my dad, I'm not close to him but that day back in March  he came through for me. He told me not to worry to drop K off and get myself seen to, he  heard the fear and pain in my voice.At the ER I was seen to pretty quickly, they were worried about the fact it was a tubal/ectopic pregnancy, the pain I was experiencing wasn't common with miscarriage, baby  had to be stuck somewhere.I was admitted to the ward, given a full examination and prepared for theatre. They took me down first thing, and took my  baby away. I know there was no other option, baby was growing in my tube and just a few more hours and I could have been dead too, just a few more hours and my son would hav been without a mother, all because I really wanted to hang on for a few more hours to see my baby on the screen, to be reassured everything was all right.After coming round from my operation it was t hen we realised that my leg didn't work, at first I thought it was the anesthetic it was only a few hours later we realised it was more. I couldn't feel anything below my waist, the surgeons had taken out my baby but also left me partly paralysed.I look back on that day with sadness. I also look back on the day that I realised how many friends I have that love me and care about me. The sheer amount of calls and texts I recieved made me smile. People cared, they were all so sorry for my loss, wanted to do anything t hey could for me and that in itself made me cry.Its taken me almost 6 months to tell this story, to come to terms with what happened  but now I know I'm ready to tell it.Just a few hours ago I called my best friend to wish her daughter  happy  birthday for today, she asked me how I was and reminded me that she hadn't forgotten that her daughters birthday would be tainted with sadness for me. Sadness I thought I'd have to cope with alone. I thank God for my friends today. I'm not the type of person that prays daily, I believe in something, but I'm not sure what, but it's days like today t hat I believe there is a God and he brought me my friends.I write this with tears streaming down my face. I write this in pain, but its a pain I want to share, a grief I need to release.