Happy Anniversary

Happy 33rd anniversary, my darling.  After having a good night last night, I woke up this morning feeling better than I have I could say in weeks, but I don't believe it's really been that long.
Today is our 33rd wedding anniversary and I realize I can never be any other than your wife.  Don't want to, don't care to.  Doesn't mean I can't enjoy what God has given me, and doesn't mean I am wasting my life away.  Just means I am who I am, regardless of whether you have passed on or not.  I have allowed the comments of others to undermine me, question my judgment, and question whether I am supposed to feel this way because you are gone.  Well, baby, this IS the way I feel. 
Does a mother stop being a mother when her child passes away?  Does she run out and replace that child with another?  No - can't. 
I find that by reading the bible in the morning helps, even though the words of God bring fear to me.  I guess because I've always been a control person.  And my daily walking exercise regime, where I can talk to you and God and just let it all out, telling you both how I feel, etc.  That is the only way I can put everything on the table and give you both my rawest emotions, desires, wants, and fears.
Honey, I have never lived on my own.  I went from home with parents to my wonderful life with you.  I know you told your sister you didn't want me living by myself if something happened to you.  I truly believe it was your way of telling her that you wanted us to live together, for she was disabled and living in Philadelphia at the time.  Not a good place for a disabled person.  It was your way of protecting us, both your women, that you truly loved.  Well, I am a big girl, I am almost 55 years old, and I believe I am entitled to live by myself.  I actually enjoy it, and I shouldn't feel bad because I enjoy it.  Yes, I feel lonely in the mornings when I am getting dressed, because the house is silent and you aren't here.  But, you are here.  Your loves envelopes and surrounds me, and I know as long as I am honest with both you and God, nothing is going to happen to me.
I've found that one of the keys with grief is to be true to one's heart, that is, after the depth of grief is letting go and we can breathe again.  I am breathing, I am living, I am going on.
No one on the face of this earth can light a candle to you.  I knew it when you were alive, I knew it when you died, and I know it now.  I only ask that God gives me peace in my heart, the strength and confidence to live alone, and  to give me a lot of great friends throughout my life who want to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them, and don't have a problem coming to MY house.  So many have the concept that we live SO far away, where in essence, we live 9 miles from our former home, work, church, and family, and it only takes 15 to 20 minutes to drive anywhere I need to go.  I just don't understand how people think.  I just understand how I do.
I love you.  I will see you today at the cemetery.  I know you will be there, holding my hand, whispering to me that you love me, but in spirit, just like you always have been since you passed.  You've been gone two years, but it still seems like it was yesterday.
Your everlasting wife, Debbie