Happy Anniversary
Happy 33rd anniversary, my darling. After having a good night last night, I woke up this morning feeling better than I have I could say in weeks, but I don't believe it's really been that long.
Today is our 33rd wedding anniversary and I realize I can never be any other than your wife. Don't want to, don't care to. Doesn't mean I can't enjoy what God has given me, and doesn't mean I am wasting my life away. Just means I am who I am, regardless of whether you have passed on or not. I have allowed the comments of others to undermine me, question my judgment, and question whether I am supposed to feel this way because you are gone. Well, baby, this IS the way I feel.
Does a mother stop being a mother when her child passes away? Does she run out and replace that child with another? No - can't.
I find that by reading the bible in the morning helps, even though the words of God bring fear to me. I guess because I've always been a control person. And my daily walking exercise regime, where I can talk to you and God and just let it all out, telling you both how I feel, etc. That is the only way I can put everything on the table and give you both my rawest emotions, desires, wants, and fears.
Honey, I have never lived on my own. I went from home with parents to my wonderful life with you. I know you told your sister you didn't want me living by myself if something happened to you. I truly believe it was your way of telling her that you wanted us to live together, for she was disabled and living in Philadelphia at the time. Not a good place for a disabled person. It was your way of protecting us, both your women, that you truly loved. Well, I am a big girl, I am almost 55 years old, and I believe I am entitled to live by myself. I actually enjoy it, and I shouldn't feel bad because I enjoy it. Yes, I feel lonely in the mornings when I am getting dressed, because the house is silent and you aren't here. But, you are here. Your loves envelopes and surrounds me, and I know as long as I am honest with both you and God, nothing is going to happen to me.
I've found that one of the keys with grief is to be true to one's heart, that is, after the depth of grief is letting go and we can breathe again. I am breathing, I am living, I am going on.
No one on the face of this earth can light a candle to you. I knew it when you were alive, I knew it when you died, and I know it now. I only ask that God gives me peace in my heart, the strength and confidence to live alone, and to give me a lot of great friends throughout my life who want to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them, and don't have a problem coming to MY house. So many have the concept that we live SO far away, where in essence, we live 9 miles from our former home, work, church, and family, and it only takes 15 to 20 minutes to drive anywhere I need to go. I just don't understand how people think. I just understand how I do.
I love you. I will see you today at the cemetery. I know you will be there, holding my hand, whispering to me that you love me, but in spirit, just like you always have been since you passed. You've been gone two years, but it still seems like it was yesterday.
Your everlasting wife, Debbie
Today is our 33rd wedding anniversary and I realize I can never be any other than your wife. Don't want to, don't care to. Doesn't mean I can't enjoy what God has given me, and doesn't mean I am wasting my life away. Just means I am who I am, regardless of whether you have passed on or not. I have allowed the comments of others to undermine me, question my judgment, and question whether I am supposed to feel this way because you are gone. Well, baby, this IS the way I feel.
Does a mother stop being a mother when her child passes away? Does she run out and replace that child with another? No - can't.
I find that by reading the bible in the morning helps, even though the words of God bring fear to me. I guess because I've always been a control person. And my daily walking exercise regime, where I can talk to you and God and just let it all out, telling you both how I feel, etc. That is the only way I can put everything on the table and give you both my rawest emotions, desires, wants, and fears.
Honey, I have never lived on my own. I went from home with parents to my wonderful life with you. I know you told your sister you didn't want me living by myself if something happened to you. I truly believe it was your way of telling her that you wanted us to live together, for she was disabled and living in Philadelphia at the time. Not a good place for a disabled person. It was your way of protecting us, both your women, that you truly loved. Well, I am a big girl, I am almost 55 years old, and I believe I am entitled to live by myself. I actually enjoy it, and I shouldn't feel bad because I enjoy it. Yes, I feel lonely in the mornings when I am getting dressed, because the house is silent and you aren't here. But, you are here. Your loves envelopes and surrounds me, and I know as long as I am honest with both you and God, nothing is going to happen to me.
I've found that one of the keys with grief is to be true to one's heart, that is, after the depth of grief is letting go and we can breathe again. I am breathing, I am living, I am going on.
No one on the face of this earth can light a candle to you. I knew it when you were alive, I knew it when you died, and I know it now. I only ask that God gives me peace in my heart, the strength and confidence to live alone, and to give me a lot of great friends throughout my life who want to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them, and don't have a problem coming to MY house. So many have the concept that we live SO far away, where in essence, we live 9 miles from our former home, work, church, and family, and it only takes 15 to 20 minutes to drive anywhere I need to go. I just don't understand how people think. I just understand how I do.
I love you. I will see you today at the cemetery. I know you will be there, holding my hand, whispering to me that you love me, but in spirit, just like you always have been since you passed. You've been gone two years, but it still seems like it was yesterday.
Your everlasting wife, Debbie
Replies
Happy Anniversary!
((((hugs))))
Carla
(who feels much the same way)
Hi Debbie,
So wish that I could give you a hug. My husband and I were married almost 35 years. Just seems so unreal most days when I think that he\'s gone. Like you, my husband was Richard, called Dick. We had a great marriage, were so \"on the same page\". He truly - as my son says - set the bar high for anyone else who tries to follow.
I tried the dating thing. And have made the decision - as you have - that I\'m fine living the rest of my life as I am, the wife of my husband, living in our house, on our property. Yes, I have to make some changes but being married to someone else is not one of those.
It seems that we try so much to justify our choices to others now. Don\'t know why it\'s so important to us. It\'s hard when others think they know what we should be doing. Just seems like we are either being criticized or being pitied and we want neither. All we want is understanding and acceptance. I have only one piece of advice, look in the mirror and give yourself a pep talk. There really is only one person that you need to answer too and that\'s the LORD. He\'ll give you strength and peace. And from me - I do understand completely.
I\'m hitting the 2 year mark and I agree with you, there is no being \"over\" someone that we loved this much, not ever. We go on, we live, but it\'s a different living now.
Wish you a Happy Anniversary and know that I\'m thinking of you today.
Hugs,
Kathy
Oh Kathy, I believe the Lord meant for you to send me this message. My husband Richard, also went by the name Dick. Isn\'t that funny? In all honesty, I don\'t want to try the dating thing. And yes, we feel we have to justify ourselves to others. Why do we feel the need to do that?
I got dressed this morning, told my husband happy anniversary, and said that I am his wife, plain and simple. I really am down and hurting right now to the point where I just want to give up, but I can\'t Kathy. I have a wonderful little cat who absolutely adores her mother (me). Where would she be without me? I\'m sure she had a not so nice life and now I\'ve given her the best. I DO talk to God every single day when I\'m walking. And I know that these bad feelings too will pass once more.
Hugs and love to you too.
Debbie
Dear Debbie,
I feel so new at this, 4 months on the 8th of this month, but I feel all the things that you have written about. Jim is who I was born to be with, I knew it the minute I first met him. I knew he would be in my life in some capacity. I am so proud to be his wife and I will be his wife for the rest of all time. Our wedding anniversary is the 23rd of this month. I can\'t even imagine the range of emotion I will go through.
Thank you for sharing your story, I know that each day for me will be handled one emotion at a time. I also walk and talk with the Lord and to Jim and feel peace when I do. I am learning to listen.
Happy Anniversary Debbie,
Becca Z
Happy Anniversay Debbie and Richard!