Happy Anniversary!

Happy anniversary honey--
In my heart of hearts, I realize there is no other man for me but you.  We shared so much of our lives together, 38 years in all, how could I not feel that way?  Our special jokes, secrets, and dreams.  After all those years we reached a level of being in sync, where you said you knew me like a book and I knew what you were thinking or the words that would come out of your mouth before you spoke them.
I wish those around me could understand how I view the world, our life together, and my future.  But, out of no fault of their own, they can't.
We spoke of waht each would do if the other passed.  It was no surprise that we were both on the same page.  Our private life, our business.
I promised I would wait for you.  I promised I would always be your wife.  And I promised I would always be Mrs X.  And, yes, that's a promise.
I often think of what you would be doing if I passed first.  The only vision I can see is exactly what I am.  However, you would have continued to deteriorate, possibly abuse alcohol or begin smoking again, because there would be no care to rejoin the world without me in it. 
I know neither one of us wanted the sentence we were handed.  You didn't want to die out of your love for me.  I didn't want you to go either.  For a person of control, it is horrible to watch someone you love with all your heart deteriorate from a monstrous disease, and not be able to do anythiing about it.
I am building a life of my own, but a life "I" want.  Not what you possibly want for me, not what anyone else believes I should have.  I had the most wonderful man in all the world and a beautiful marriage.  There is no reason nor desire for me to seek another.
My body was given back to me when you died.  It will belong to no other.
I look forward to the day when we are together again, but no one can accuse me of pining and wasting my life away either.  You have seen my accomplishments.  New friends, a new pet, continuing the renovations to our home that we planned.  Yes, "our" home.  It was always our home, and needn't just be my home because you are not here.  It is my sanctuary, a place I love and can escape from everyone and everything.  It has also become Moochie's home.
I have done a little traveling, reinvested well, taken out long term care insurance, and started my own part-time business.  I can't say I am lonely, nor am I alone.  You have owed up to the necklace you bought me, inscribed "I will always be at your side".  I know you are for I have felt your presence every day 24/7 since you took your last breath with me at your side.
We have a long history together love muffin, and it is a history that I don't wish to repeat or make new with another.  I am happy just the way things are until we can dance through the clouds of heaven.
If you ever get upset because I cry, or think I need things I have told you I do not, talk to Mom.  Let her tell you what it is like to lose the love of your life, your companion, your soul mate.  Let her tell you that her daughter is OK, because her daughter is just like her. 
You and God have made sure I had a new pet, united or reunited with good friends, and became closer to our family.  Now, please, with God, make sure that you both respect what I desire now and allow me to be at peace, happy on my own, and become once more the independent woman you always admired in me.
I love my anniversary band.  Didn't plan to buy one, but something kept telling me to.  You always wanted me to have nice things, so I know it was you. 
Today there is a lot of sadness, heartbreak, and tears.  Tears because I can't see you, touch you, feel you, smell you, or hear your voice.  You won't be calling me to sing, we won't be dancing in the living room, and I won't receive another beautiful card with words that can only come from your heart.  But, I still have you and you still have me.  We have a bond no one can break, ever.
I love you with all my heart.  I am truly blessed to have met you when I did, and doubly blessed that out of all the girls you had dated in your lifetime, you chose me to be your life mate.  Mates in life and mates in death.
Debbie

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

This is just SO beautiful.......you are an inspiration for so many of us. Thank you so much - Sam
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie

Thanks Sam-- I believe I\'m one of the rare ones that doesn\'t buy the vows, \"til death do we part\". Death has only parted us physically, but not spiritually.

When my parents were alive, we talked about everything. We all just couldn\'t come to a reason to remarry again, or simply find another. I felt the same about having children. Why was it necessary? I feel the same about a \"companion\". I had the best. What is the need for me to seek another?

I would rather live this way and know I can look my husband in the eyes when he returns for me. If you love someone this much, outside of our Lord, there is no other.
ricebells
ricebells

Debbie your journal is beautiful,l love the way you keep your husbands memory alive with you all the time,l understand completely,maybe thinking the way you do will fulfil your life forever,it certainly sounds like it is,you sound content.l know you have good and bad days,but you are doing so wellAlice
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie

My husband, along with God and my parents, remain very important parts of my life. They are part of me, who I am. So many focus on dating again, companionship and remarriage. I focus on what I had and what I lost. I can carry him with me forever and live a life that will be OK for me.

Alice, age makes no difference. Looks makes no difference. It is what you had as a couple that makes the difference. I am so glad that you understand. Yes, I do have good and bad days, but that\'s just the way it is, and will be.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn

That is an inspiring entry and I admire the fact that you are true to yourself and your beliefs and feelings. I may walk a different road than you, but it doesn\'t mean that your road isn\'t the beautiful path that comforts you. Sharon
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie

Thanks Sharon. Your message means a lot to me. I was in counseling in the 70\'s for severe depression, and discovered one of my problems was trying to please everyone else and not myself. As a widow, and this is my personal experience, society always wants to put a monkey on my back with removing the rings, getting a boyfriend, remarry, sell the house, can\'t live by yourself because you are a woman. What a shame you want to waste your life being alone.

Well, the bottom line is, and you\'ll agree, that it is my life and I am being true to myself. There is no other way I can be but that.

Again, Sharon, thank you. Lovely words coming from a lovely lady. I know I have rubbed some DS members the wrong way, but I can\'t apologize for what I believe in or words coming from my soul. To be any other way would be a phoney or hypocrit, both of which I can\'t be.