Happy 4th of July

Didn't have many plans I'm just not into anything I act excited for my girls.Justin birthday was Monday June 30th so I have been very down.I was talking to my oldest daughter Ashli Sunday night I said 26 years ago I was in the hospital in labor with Justin.I did have a c-section but he was born at 3:28am.I was the last to see him because I was in recovery for awhile.She said Mom it's ok.Justin is watching over us.Do I believe that? I don't know anymore I have been questioning God and if there is really a Heaven. I have never felt this way I have always believed in God and now I don't know what I believe it's so confusing.All I know is I think of Justin everyday I try to think positive and think of all the memories I have of him for 24 years the only thing is I want him back as one DS friend said the *Durgs Won* he tried so hard to conquer his pain pill taking he thought methadone would help him but it killed him.What a killer!!!! I didn't know much about that drug untill he died and I read everything I could about it.He felt no pain he just want to sleep.Life is different now I don't even know who I am anymore I always put that happy mask on when I go out but I'm crying inside not one of my family members called on Justin's birthday.Mike's mom called and said she thought about me all day.Which was very nice of her. We are going to ST Louis Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday the girls want to go to Six Flags I'm not much on rides acutally I would like to stay home but I'll go for the girls.Rebecca is so excited.So I'll put on my happy face and try to enjoy it we haven't been since Justin was 16. Justin .....I Love You and miss everything about you.Braden talks about you he loves you so much.I hope he keeps those memories in his heart as he grows up.I will never let him forget you he was your buddy and still is. He is such a joy to be around he does stuff that you did when you were his age I just turn around as the tears roll down my face.I Love you son I miss my friend that always thought of me,calling,coming to visit,You showed me what love was when I had you.Good night my son.Love Mom.