Happiness

I was born.I am the child of recovering alcaholic and rage aholick and lived in a vioent abusive household at age ten I was humiliated in a classroom when a fifth grade school teacher fliped over my desk when I was five minutes tardy."Heidi can't you tell time?" then she approached my desk before I could sit down.Flips it over and dumps it out the entire class gathered around to pull everything out, everyone taking shots at how messy I was."Heidi go to the nurse and see if she can give you a pill to make you smart." The teacher said.I ran away.I got lost in the neighborhood trying to find my way home, and went to the last park I played baseball in. I explored the area crying trying to find a place to hide, so I wasn't seen in public.Ten years old I found a spot seculded in the corner of the street behind the park with stone steps heading downward to a small body of murkey water. I sat on the bottom stp crying trying to understand why nobody shoed kindness to me, and wondered if I was going to ok.After awhile to calm myself I sang.and I felt better,out of the corner of my eye what appeared to be a winnged tiny creature appeared before me the incect was pink.I felt a very strong female presence guiding my way. In my mind the way home appeared and I began to go home know the way.I went directly to the bathroom emptied all the medicine in the cabnet in my hand, and swallowed them all. Mom comes in,"Heidi I know what happened in school, I begin to gag, and she noticed I overdozed.Later that week when mom reacted to the situation, the teacher was imeadetly dismissed, and it shattered my confidence my entire life causing me to be fearful of people, resulting in deciding not to  put a child into this world that was so cruel and heartless.What was it I saw when I was ten, a spirit? A fairy.Since she appeared in a phisical form my entire life I felt a very strong connection to the earth, the universe, and began my own religious studies to find comfort I couldn't reach. I was forced into catholosizm but would hide my universal new age studies and have been searching for God Jesus, and my goddess for guidence. For the first time in my entire life I am happy.I want to grab hold of it and understand it so I can always feel it when times are tough.In time the voilent experience melleowed when my father began recovering at age two though he stilkl could never control his temper growing up even if he accidently hurt the ones he loved. My father now and I have created a special bond, having had similiar experiences in suffering with depression and thearpy which came at ten when I began self harming. After I was 18 and spent a year in four different mental hospitals each move continusouly over one year. I began recovery in Ancora state hospital, and three months after my 18th was released got to graduate with my class and walked at graduation after missing one year of hs. not many knew where I had disapeared to, but they remembered. FOr the first time  in my entire life I am stable happy and feel I can deal with life being happy.I havent self harmed since release.Blessed be.Heidi In South JerseyMaybe there is a happily ever after.