Happiness?

Talk about confusion, I think I've done all I can do to be in a state of confusion. I tried my best to stay disconnected from my ex and what do I do, but see and talk to him and of course it lead me right back to disappointment. He is so out of it its disgusting. Not drunk mind you just out of it mentally. Yeah, you're hearing right. I can read about boundaries, but I'm not so good at practicing them. I'm so cold inside my heart and seeing him makes it that much worse. I can't get close to him, but I felt I had to at least see and talk to him. I guess I had to prove to myself that its really over. He will never be the same person I met and loved so much. I have to face the fact that its just me and my dog now. The other part of this that is so frustrating is that I'm so stuck to this house that I don't go anywhere unless I really have a reason. Or I have to talk myself into going. Like tomorrow, I plan to go to the recycle bins and then to Wal-Mart to shop. We'll see what happens. Today after seeing my ex I had to make myself bake something so I would keep my mind on something else. I baked a boiled raisin cake. I turned out a bit thick (heavy), but eatable.  I don't feel like anything I used to know. I got so used to having someone to do things with that its just easier to just stay home. Yes, I go to work and I'm ok there. I go see my mom now and then. We made dinner at her house Friday. It was good to see her. I started going to counseling and have another appointment Tuesday. Since I just started I'm not sure how that is going, help wise that is. This will be my second appointment. Its at the university and the first two are free the third and there after are $15. And of course I'm worried about money too. To put it simply, I don't like my life. I'm trying to keep up with it and go about my necessary needs, ect. but that's all. My motivation to get out and do other things just isn't there. Not really. I plan to see a movie with my friend Carol next Sat. but I know the  feeling of friend to friend will not be there. I gave my heart to a person instead of God and now I'm having a very hard time trying to get it back to feel real again. Non of this feels real. I feel as if in a daze. God, please wake me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SJH