Happen Once; A Mistake. Happen Twice; I'm Fucking Stupid
Jesus Fucking Christ. Six years. Six years I put into this relationship; just to have it disintegrate before my eyes. New Year's Day I come home, he's gone. It wasn't until the next week, however, that I figured out why.
You see the son-of-a-bitch borrowed money from my dad without my knowledge. I found out, quite by accident, last September. It was the cause of me asking him to leave my house back then. He came back, we worked it out (or so I thought). He promised me that he would never do anything like that without my knowledge, ever again. He told me he had increased his work load in order to be able to pay his debts and the bills that he had agreed to pay from our household - the gas and electric, the cell phone, and TV and internet. He alluded to the fact that he still needed some money in order to come up to even, so he took my engagement ring from me to pawn (supposedly to pay my father back the $400 that he had borrowed), and I gave him an additional $1000.
Months and months go by. I do not have my ring back. Finally I ask. He tells me he did not pawn it but had given it to a friend that owns a cigar shop for money and that he would get it back when he paid him back. Just before Thanksgiving I ask about the ring again, because I do not want to face family/friends and have to answer questions about this. No ring. I ask again before Christmas. No ring. (I never did ask him how much he got for the ring). Just after Christmas I went to visit my son in DC. Just prior to going Kevin is different. He is annoying in his inattention to me. He is indifferent to me. He is almost mean. When I leave we are not on the best of terms. Just before I left I asked him point-blank if he had paid my father back. He had told me a month prior that he had done so. I asked him again because of that good-old gut feeling we get. I looked into his eyes and said, "I need to know because I am going to Florida to visit them next week and I don't want any surprises. Please just tell me the truth." He became quite indignant with me. He insisted he did pay.
While I am in DC he is not texting me. He is not phoning me. On New Year's Eve I sent him a text that read something like, "Whatever the new year holds for us, I love you and wish you the best". I went to bed shortly after midnight. He did not write back. The next morning after 8 a.m. I get a Happy New Year from him. I do not respond.
On the way home, driving, I receive a text around 8:45 p.m. I do not remember what it said but it was all, " poor me. You couldn't even say happy new year. I have been here all alone all weekend. You ignored me. I have sat here on the couch with Tom (my dog) all weekend crying over the pictures you posted on Facebook and you not contacting me." Over and over texting about poor him. When I got home, at 10:15 p.m., the house was completely lit-up. Completely un-locked (including the front door which is all glass). The dog unattended. His van gone. I went in and after about 10 minutes decided to look in the closet. All his things were gone! I texted him asking if this meant he was leaving? After 6 years? He went on and on about how mean I was, that he was suffering because his mother had just died, that all I did was nag him about the bills he wasn't paying. Etc.
He never called me, he never texted me. He was just gone. That week I was going to Florida. I received a phone call from the gas and electric company that I was going to be shut off. I received a similar call from cell phone and TV and internet company. When I arrived in Florida, I checked the balance due on the bills he had agreed to be responsible for. They totaled $1700.00. In conversation with my parents (who, by the way never liked Kevin and it cause quite a bit of tension in our relationship) it came out that the $400 that Kevin had borrowed from my father was in actuality $2200, and that he had not paid it back. It was like a shot to my gut. He had sat there and lied right to my face. And not only that, he had lied way back, 5 months ago about the amount borrowed! I was stunned. But I suddenly realized why he had snuck away in the night prior to me going to Florida, and trying to make it all about ME being the bad one for nagging him about bills - he was going to get found out and kicked out anyway. He didn't have the BALLS to just admit the web he had woven!
When I began to text and to call from Florida, he would not answer. It was days before I could get him to text back. He railed on me for being so uncaring. That he had just sat and watched his mother die before his eyes and he was suffering. (But his mother died way after he borrowed the money from dad, from me, and way before he was not paying what was owed on the bills).
He is gone. I am left, yet again, with debt. We were together for six fucking years. This man loved me. He loved me. We had a wonderful, amazing life together (except when things started to get difficult regarding money). He will not see it that way. He will not admit that he is not earning enough money to support what he is obligated to. It is as clear as anything, but he will not see it. He claims that I do not support his endeavor to work as a private contractor. Fuck, I would support anything that could pay the bills. And really it was never even about the money. It was about him doing things behind my back without consulting with me. And then it became about him not living up to his obligations, and me losing faith in him as a man.
I am certain that my actions towards him began to show that less than loving feeling on my part. I was so disappointed in him. I was shy and embarrassed to continually ask him about my ring, about whether or not he was paying the bills. It became the focus of our relationship. Every time I would get a phone call or text from a company that he owed he would rush out and pay the minimum due so that I wouldn't kick him out. When I would push him he would say, "I'm working every day. I'm working every minute. I'm working on it". When in Florida I just asked him to admit that he had lied. He texted me, "I lied to you. I borrowed because I was behind. And then more behind and more behind." But, when I would ask if we should cut down on the expenses he was responsible for (such as go to basic cable, go to basic internet), he would insist that he was fine. I know it was his pride.
While he was away, I got nasty with him. I was so upset with him, and he knew that my ex had done the exact same thing to me! Exact!! He knew what a trigger it would be. But I was nasty in texts, and repeated drunk phone calls in the middle of the night. I was mean. I was honest in all I said, but I said it with venom and sarcasm (all things I am extremely good at).
Now he will not answer his phone or texts at all. I send him the bills via email every day, and then hard copy to his house. I want him to be ashamed in front of his family for what he has done to me. I love him but I HATE HIM.
Last night, I wrote simply "I loved you Kevin, Good bye". He wrote back, "I loved you too, but not lately as you have been so mean." Is he kidding? My cable is turned off. I have no internet service, Verizon just texted me that I am getting shut off, and I am certain that gas and electric is next. ( I can pay almost the entire $1700 owed but not until following pay day and he doesn't know that). This man that loved me so much has the nerve to turn away from his obligations and he says I'm mean?
I have supported him off and on through the six years together. I didn't mind. I never said a word about paying for almost every meal out, every vacation taken, every piece of clothing he has. I never made an issue of it. I had the money, I wanted the things, so I paid. He was responsible for only three bills a month - TV and internet ($130), phones ($130) and gas and electric ($225) of household bills and then his own bills i.e. van payment and insurance. I was paying the mortgage ($1300) and taxes and insurance for the house, and for most of the food.
Anyway. I am certain he is gone forever. Is that such a bad thing? I did love him. He did love me. He was kind and loving to my children and grand children. He was good company and fun to be around. But without him ever being able to see what he did; the lying and the betrayal, will it ever be the same? (Not that I have a choice as he won't even answer a text I sent him regarding the phones being turned off).
So here I go again. At 55 years of age. Starting over. I mean, I am attractive and fun and energetic and humorous, and out-going but I am 55 fucking years old. I cannot do the whole dating site thing again. I can't do it. But I can't be alone. I'm too young for that. I have too much spirit.
Do I wait patiently for Kevin to see the light and possibly come back to me? If he does, do I take him back? Is that not even relevant? I am sad, I am mad, I am hurt, I am ashamed, I am dumbfounded.
San
You see the son-of-a-bitch borrowed money from my dad without my knowledge. I found out, quite by accident, last September. It was the cause of me asking him to leave my house back then. He came back, we worked it out (or so I thought). He promised me that he would never do anything like that without my knowledge, ever again. He told me he had increased his work load in order to be able to pay his debts and the bills that he had agreed to pay from our household - the gas and electric, the cell phone, and TV and internet. He alluded to the fact that he still needed some money in order to come up to even, so he took my engagement ring from me to pawn (supposedly to pay my father back the $400 that he had borrowed), and I gave him an additional $1000.
Months and months go by. I do not have my ring back. Finally I ask. He tells me he did not pawn it but had given it to a friend that owns a cigar shop for money and that he would get it back when he paid him back. Just before Thanksgiving I ask about the ring again, because I do not want to face family/friends and have to answer questions about this. No ring. I ask again before Christmas. No ring. (I never did ask him how much he got for the ring). Just after Christmas I went to visit my son in DC. Just prior to going Kevin is different. He is annoying in his inattention to me. He is indifferent to me. He is almost mean. When I leave we are not on the best of terms. Just before I left I asked him point-blank if he had paid my father back. He had told me a month prior that he had done so. I asked him again because of that good-old gut feeling we get. I looked into his eyes and said, "I need to know because I am going to Florida to visit them next week and I don't want any surprises. Please just tell me the truth." He became quite indignant with me. He insisted he did pay.
While I am in DC he is not texting me. He is not phoning me. On New Year's Eve I sent him a text that read something like, "Whatever the new year holds for us, I love you and wish you the best". I went to bed shortly after midnight. He did not write back. The next morning after 8 a.m. I get a Happy New Year from him. I do not respond.
On the way home, driving, I receive a text around 8:45 p.m. I do not remember what it said but it was all, " poor me. You couldn't even say happy new year. I have been here all alone all weekend. You ignored me. I have sat here on the couch with Tom (my dog) all weekend crying over the pictures you posted on Facebook and you not contacting me." Over and over texting about poor him. When I got home, at 10:15 p.m., the house was completely lit-up. Completely un-locked (including the front door which is all glass). The dog unattended. His van gone. I went in and after about 10 minutes decided to look in the closet. All his things were gone! I texted him asking if this meant he was leaving? After 6 years? He went on and on about how mean I was, that he was suffering because his mother had just died, that all I did was nag him about the bills he wasn't paying. Etc.
He never called me, he never texted me. He was just gone. That week I was going to Florida. I received a phone call from the gas and electric company that I was going to be shut off. I received a similar call from cell phone and TV and internet company. When I arrived in Florida, I checked the balance due on the bills he had agreed to be responsible for. They totaled $1700.00. In conversation with my parents (who, by the way never liked Kevin and it cause quite a bit of tension in our relationship) it came out that the $400 that Kevin had borrowed from my father was in actuality $2200, and that he had not paid it back. It was like a shot to my gut. He had sat there and lied right to my face. And not only that, he had lied way back, 5 months ago about the amount borrowed! I was stunned. But I suddenly realized why he had snuck away in the night prior to me going to Florida, and trying to make it all about ME being the bad one for nagging him about bills - he was going to get found out and kicked out anyway. He didn't have the BALLS to just admit the web he had woven!
When I began to text and to call from Florida, he would not answer. It was days before I could get him to text back. He railed on me for being so uncaring. That he had just sat and watched his mother die before his eyes and he was suffering. (But his mother died way after he borrowed the money from dad, from me, and way before he was not paying what was owed on the bills).
He is gone. I am left, yet again, with debt. We were together for six fucking years. This man loved me. He loved me. We had a wonderful, amazing life together (except when things started to get difficult regarding money). He will not see it that way. He will not admit that he is not earning enough money to support what he is obligated to. It is as clear as anything, but he will not see it. He claims that I do not support his endeavor to work as a private contractor. Fuck, I would support anything that could pay the bills. And really it was never even about the money. It was about him doing things behind my back without consulting with me. And then it became about him not living up to his obligations, and me losing faith in him as a man.
I am certain that my actions towards him began to show that less than loving feeling on my part. I was so disappointed in him. I was shy and embarrassed to continually ask him about my ring, about whether or not he was paying the bills. It became the focus of our relationship. Every time I would get a phone call or text from a company that he owed he would rush out and pay the minimum due so that I wouldn't kick him out. When I would push him he would say, "I'm working every day. I'm working every minute. I'm working on it". When in Florida I just asked him to admit that he had lied. He texted me, "I lied to you. I borrowed because I was behind. And then more behind and more behind." But, when I would ask if we should cut down on the expenses he was responsible for (such as go to basic cable, go to basic internet), he would insist that he was fine. I know it was his pride.
While he was away, I got nasty with him. I was so upset with him, and he knew that my ex had done the exact same thing to me! Exact!! He knew what a trigger it would be. But I was nasty in texts, and repeated drunk phone calls in the middle of the night. I was mean. I was honest in all I said, but I said it with venom and sarcasm (all things I am extremely good at).
Now he will not answer his phone or texts at all. I send him the bills via email every day, and then hard copy to his house. I want him to be ashamed in front of his family for what he has done to me. I love him but I HATE HIM.
Last night, I wrote simply "I loved you Kevin, Good bye". He wrote back, "I loved you too, but not lately as you have been so mean." Is he kidding? My cable is turned off. I have no internet service, Verizon just texted me that I am getting shut off, and I am certain that gas and electric is next. ( I can pay almost the entire $1700 owed but not until following pay day and he doesn't know that). This man that loved me so much has the nerve to turn away from his obligations and he says I'm mean?
I have supported him off and on through the six years together. I didn't mind. I never said a word about paying for almost every meal out, every vacation taken, every piece of clothing he has. I never made an issue of it. I had the money, I wanted the things, so I paid. He was responsible for only three bills a month - TV and internet ($130), phones ($130) and gas and electric ($225) of household bills and then his own bills i.e. van payment and insurance. I was paying the mortgage ($1300) and taxes and insurance for the house, and for most of the food.
Anyway. I am certain he is gone forever. Is that such a bad thing? I did love him. He did love me. He was kind and loving to my children and grand children. He was good company and fun to be around. But without him ever being able to see what he did; the lying and the betrayal, will it ever be the same? (Not that I have a choice as he won't even answer a text I sent him regarding the phones being turned off).
So here I go again. At 55 years of age. Starting over. I mean, I am attractive and fun and energetic and humorous, and out-going but I am 55 fucking years old. I cannot do the whole dating site thing again. I can't do it. But I can't be alone. I'm too young for that. I have too much spirit.
Do I wait patiently for Kevin to see the light and possibly come back to me? If he does, do I take him back? Is that not even relevant? I am sad, I am mad, I am hurt, I am ashamed, I am dumbfounded.
San
Replies
I think if it was just money related, giving him time to let it blow over, and compromising on a few things and working it out would be best. But it isn\'t just about money. He lied to you. He betrayed your trust by borrowing far more then he said to you. He gave your ring away, and I\'m assuming you still don\'t have it. Him dodging his responsibilities until you brought it up is another issue I take with Kevin.
Fact is, by the numbers alone, you are paying far more for the household then he is. It seems to me that you are capable of paying for it all if push came to shove, with some downgrades and cuts, but it could be done. For him to lie to you I don\'t know how you would get over that one. Betrayal is very hard to cope with, and honestly, do you want a man in your life that has no issue with lying to you like this?
Was there a problem with his job in the way of lack of hours or something? Did he have a gambling problem? Because by my math, assuming a 250 a month car payment, 100 for insurance, the total amount due every month was 835 dollars. No offense or anything, but I could even afford that on disability. I can only imagine someone working being able to swing this and having a good bit of money left over. So why was it so hard for him to pay?
I think you are probably best to start over sadly San. I know it is hard, but if you are as spirited and vibrant as you say you are, I doubt it will take long for you to find someone worthy of your time and love. You seem like a wonderful person, and deserve someone who will treat you right, and be there to help you as much as you help them. The feelings of being ashamed and mad and hurt will fade in time. Let them run their course, and refocus on you again. Get life back in order as it were, and maybe someone will come into your life and you won\'t need to do the online dating thing again.
I hope and wish you the best San. You deserve it. If you need to talk or anything, I\'m always around, so feel free to message me. :)
Tesinato
His van payment was $500 (to his father as his father had to sign for the loan). His insurance was $150/month. Then the expenses for me as I outlined. His job involved buying product and then transporting it to local convenience stores at which time he would get paid for the items that had previously sold. So he was always outlaying money ahead of sales for product - some of which would expire before selling, melt in his van, etc. and he would be responsible for that cost. His margin of profit was very low on the product he was selling (candy, sausage, jerkie, nuts, pork rinds). Gas cost is high here in Rochester ($485/gallon). He had (in the end) about 85 customers - he was busy six days a week selling. It wasn\'t that he didn\'t work hard. He did. It was that the job could not support us. I told him over and over. I asked him whether he would get something to supplement his income. The thing is, during the middle of our relationship he had an amazing job. He was making $2000 a week. Things were great - in fact, fantastic. He bought me an engagement ring, he bought me a new stove, he bought me a new fridge. I felt that the first two years that we had been together were justified (with me pretty much carrying all the expenses). I didn\'t mind paying - I had the money and he was there for me in so many other ways. With my MG, with my two surgeries. He was there, and loving, and caring, and affectionate, and we played golf together, and danced and drank and ate and cooked. We were perfect. Then he quit that job. He came home one day and just announced that he had quit! I couldn\'t believe he did that with no prior talk with me about it! Our future together!! Turns out, he was probably going to get fired from that job. I\'m not sure what was going on - but I knew that he didn\'t get along with his boss there. Kevin has mild Asperger\'s which can make him difficult to get along with because he honestly believes that he is right all the time and that he possesses superior intelligence to anyone else. He can come off as arrogant. I believe that he did not gel with his boss - they quibbled all the time - and Kevin loved to make him look the fool. So Kevin quit this amazing job, only to go into business working for the SAME GUY, but as an independent. So.... needless to say, I was always very confused about that. So Kevin did start this \"route\", this business up from scratch with this guy. That guy and one other put the money out for the initial product - about $8000. Kevin would buy the product from them and and then sell it. So, I think Kevin got behind in buying the product - or it wasn\'t selling or something. The thing is he never told me. It was always my gut screaming at me that he was broke. When I would bring it up he would become very sarcastic, snide, saying,
\"Sandra.....I\'m working, I\'m working. I\'m doing the best that I can\".
This sounds too familiar. It\'s not the same, but it is very similar.
My ex-fiance got a new job that paid decent when he moved in with me. He loved it at first, but only weeks later he began to complain. Two months later he was fired. So he got a new job that paid significantly less. When we\'d argue about money and I had to keep asking my parents to help with his share (his parents refused to help him, now I see why), he would tell me he was working as hard as he could. But he was not working every day. Most weeks he wasn\'t on the job five days out of the week.
He did not buy me a ring until three weeks before he walked out on me, even though we had been engaged for over a year. The ring was very cheap (it turned my finger green within 48 hours) but I did not mind. I just wanted something on my finger. When I\'d previously push him to get me something, anything, he would argue he was waiting for the one ring I could always have. He refused to see my side until the end, that I\'d even accept something from a quarter machine because I just wanted a symbol of our engagement.
When we\'d talk about bills, he\'d tell me he was fine too. Then only a couple of days before rent was due he\'d drop it on me that he would be short. It was very frustrating.