Hanging in there

Yesterday was supposed to be the family birthday party for my brother, my mom, and me.  But now that David (my brother) broke the news, I was just too sad to go.  So I called Mom crying yesterday at noon and said that I was sorry, but that I just couldn't come.  I wanted so badly to support them, but I just physically wouldn't be able to be there without crying.  And that wouldn't really make for a fun party for everyone.  So the party was called off.  David understood.  He told Mom and my Dad (who called later and said I should disown them) that I had been very gracious when they told me.  I just hate everything about this. Yesterday I set two goals: doing the laundry and making the curtains I've been putting off making for the bedroom.  (Remember that I'm a seamstress, so the curtain thing is about a 45-minute task, if that).  Then I narrowed it down to just the laundry.  Didn't want to be too hard on myself.  To my credit, I did finish the laundry. Yesterday I kept feeling like someone had died, or like it was 9/11 or something.  You know when you are going along with normal life and normal feelings, and then you remember that something devastating has happened and changed life forever.  I realize how ridiculous it sounds to say that my sister-in-law getting pregnant in 3 months (to our 23 failed months) is comparable to 9/11.  It's just that every time I remember it, my soul sinks again.  How could this be?  How could this be? She has Lupus and she had brain surgery last year.  She's due for a break.  I am glad I don't have to worry about them going through infertility troubles.  For that matter, she still might: we don't know how she'll do with the lupus, being off Lupus meds, and the pregnancy.  I promise I didn't want her to have to go through fertility troubles.  She has a limited window in which she can get pregnant after her radiation (last fall) before her pituitary (hormone-controlling) gland conks out and she'd have to do IVF or some other externally-controlled thing like that.   Just.  Just.  Ugh.  I'm just a little pile of sad sister debris. Thank you for all your support, my friends.  I couldn't do this without you.