Half of me is gone
I met Mary in 1964, on Memorial Day weekend. Last May 2nd, I lost her. We were soul mates and best friends. We did everything together, and nothing without the other. There were never girls or guys nights out, not because either of us didn't want the other to go, but because we just wanted to be together all the time. I retired in 2003, and she in 2005 (Disability). We had 15, retired years together, and it all ended 4 months ago. Even though I have a daughter and her family living with me (They have been with us for many years), I feel completely alone. I've never been one to do things without her, and now I have to try, just to get out. I don't know if I can get used to touring on my own, and going to the mall now to kill some time, feels completely worthless. I'm going to try our Hospice Support group this week, and see how that goes. It is really hard for me to stir up an interest in anything when half of me is gone.
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Yesterday was my 68th birthday, and my first without Mary. M y family did their best to make it a special day for me, but without my soul mate, it wasn\'t worth much. I visited Mary, as I do almost every day, and talked with her at length about everything. It was the worst emotional collapse I\'ve had since she died. I find myself settling into a disturbing routine where I don\'t want to do anything but sit and watch TV. I go to the cemetery every day, but other than that, I have no desire to do anything. I feel like I\'d like to get away for a few days, but can\'t decide where or what. The problem with that is that my Daughter, her husband and youngest Son still live with me. She is 4 years into disability, and counts on me for companionship every day. She also has her car in the shop for long-term work, so without mine, she can\'t get out for errands or anything. I know I shouldn\'t worry about that, but it\'s just my way. Maybe I should just bit the bullet, and do it. I desperately need to find something interesting to do to take my mind off of self-pity, and depression.
Just a quick note as I am in a hurry. It doesn\'t look like you have been on unless you just haven\'t made any comments. I was just wondering how you were doing. I hope things are a little better for you. I know how hard the holidays are. I hope you hang in there. At least you have family in your home with you. Merry Christmas. Linda