had enough now

as of two weeks ago, i have had enough, i am emotionaly and physicaly drained, i have nothing left to give, and nothing left for me to give myself.
The neibours started two weeks ago to start with a vengance, there harrassment of me, and it has just done me in, all i keep doing is crying, or having to stop myself crying.
i went to church on sunday, and it has alll been a big upheavel, as are church is having building work done, and we have been meeting elese where, which has been difficult, as i don't cope with people near me, most of the time i have been doing the childrens work, which is great, and i feel it is where God want's me to be, but it has ment that i have become isolated from the main church,.
I came out this week and was waiting for my lift, and i felt complrtly pushed out, and invisable, i tried to speak to two people , just to ask them how they were, and they sort of gave me the speach about oh they were fine, then they looked around as if to say oh i must go,it wasn't as if i was even saying anything about me, so i thought oh they must need to go or something, then i see someone elese come up to them and they then ingaged inconversation with them, smiling and laughing, what is wrong with me,am i that horrible to talk to.
everyone seemed to be carrying on with going home, nobody spoke to me, they looked my way and then left, have i become that invisable.
it never was like this before, these people are like family to me and i have been at the church for 22 years.
i am also seem to not be much part of the puppet team either, i helped start it, and even when i was ill, i still went and di so much hard work, and then latley becouse of lifts i said i can't come to some of the practices, and also  i hurt my shoulder, so couldn't do much in the practaces.
now when i returned, i sat there waiting for a part, and none was given to me, i waited and nothing, i have been given a few parts, but it was said the other day, by the lady who is my friend who i set this up with, that i could do all the parts when others are not there, and it has been said now on quite a few ocations, that i am not really needed on this booking or that booking. it is so hurtful, i used to do so much, and it looks like i am no longer a valued part of the team, i am not even told about when we have to change the puppets clothes and get them ready, my friend wants to do it all on her own, she always takes over everything, no one listens to me , she never takes up any of my ideas any more, so i have become silent, and invisable.
two weeks ago i got so desperate i spoke to the samaritons, are help line, as i couldn't get anyone from our mental health, my keyworker then eventualy was in contact with me, through me phoneing her, she aranged a visit last week, so i hung in there and then she went of sick, i spoke to the p[erson on duty, who really just did not listen, she said, oh she would phone this and that for the problem with my neibours, and  sort this and that out, and i told her so many times i didn't want that i wanted someone to listen, as i was going under, and could not cope any more, so she kept on saying she would do this and that,she just did not listen. then she said oh she had to go, as she had someone waiting for her, someone who needed her, i said i need you and am asking for help, i am at the end of my tether, and she said well she had to go as this was her job, ie to see to the other person, i said so i don't need help then, am i not a client as well.
today my main window broke, and it was put in my care plan, that i should have someone to be in my flat with me, if i needed it, so i phoned for help, with someone who hasn't a clue about me, they then kept saying they could call, the council for me, so someone can have it fixed, but i need someone with me, but all they kept saying was we can call for you, why do they not listen, i repeted about six, to seven times about what i needed but still they did not listen.
in the end i said what is the piont i am invisable, and said that i had really had enough and that i can't cope with anything, and i don't wont to go on, she then said she would relay her message to my keyworker on monday, i said i wont be here monday, as that is how i felt, she then said well i will tell her. i said i am not sure you get it, i asked for help , this is the third week, and still nothing, so i am going under i have had enough, she just said i will tell my keyworker on monday, i said i won't be here on monday and goodbye.
i am just hanging in there, becoming numb to it all, switching off again, i am so invisable and itseems not worth anything either, they are just to busy, with all those who are really bad, i remember people saying to me oh when i had to miss out on help before becouse there was someone worse that me at the time, oh you might be the one one day to need help and we will drop everything and come to your aid, but it never happens, so here i am tears flowing freely now, feeling lost and alone, feeling invisable and not worth anything, i don't seem to fit in to anything now i am forgotten.
 i would do anything for anybody, and be there f i could, but when i turn around there is no one for me.
i am so tired of struggling and fighting to be who i am, and to be exceped for who i am,and to be understood, and loved and at least liked, but sometimes the struggle seems to much.
my friends on here are great, and brilliant and i thank you all for being here with me, it just seems out there in the world it is like a mine field, and out there i am invisable.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am genuinely sad to see you feeling this way, if I lived close to you, I would without any need to ask be there for you, please know I care, I dont want you to be feeling like you have to do it alone, yes I know we are here through a screen but you can lean oin us on me. I want you to know how much you mean to me, please be ok, dont give up, BIG GIGANTIC HUGS.....