Had An Accident Walking Around One And A Half Times
I came in with the standard welcome, hi, how are yous. I noticed she had a bruise on her right lower cheek about the size of a quarter. I didn’t say anything. I’m hoping no one hit her. Maybe something fell on her or she ran into something. Sometimes when you get dental work done you get bruising on your cheek. I didn’t want to pry and ask. But I bet if I came in with a bruise on my cheek she’d be asking me what it was. I sat down and told her I have something for her from the fair I went to last week. I got in my purse and pulled out one of those squishy balls but this one was a light bulb. She said that’s good, she needs one of those. She acted like she had them before but now needs one. She motioned over to the table and said about the little stuff she keeps on it. That is great! She took it and thanked me and put it on that little table.
I told her there were a few other things I stuck in my purse from there if she wants. I pulled out a credit card calendar. She said she doesn’t do those. I pulled out some scented green stuff in a little bag I think for your feet. I told her it smells good. She took it, smelled it and said, “Lovely.” She kept that. I pulled out 2 letter openers – magnetic. She said she has one and those look like they could be weapons – no weapons in here. I told her that’s what I thought, too. But she thought the light bulb thing was great and it was about some kind of business protection she said after she read it. She said that’s what I’m looking for – for my book. I said yes, maybe. She thought that was interesting. I told her there were banks and all sorts there. I have one, too.
She then asked me how it was going there. I said how everyone was friendly, said hi and such. It was nice being around professional people. She said that’s a step towards my goal. I guess so. I then pulled out my notes and told her I knew it was going to be one of those weekends. First I started with Thursday. I also told her I wanted to go walking today. Last time we did two times maybe we should do two again today or maybe even three. She said OK, we will see how it goes for me and wanted to make sure I would give myself enough time to get to the bathroom. I nodded I would. She asked me if we should bring my clothes. I thought, “We better.” I didn’t say but we haven been forgetting. She asked me when I wanted to go. I told her when I have to go to the bathroom. Ok.
So Thursday was with the massage therapist for 20 minutes. I told her at first I handled it by talking a lot. But then I thought I wanted to just relax and enjoy it so I stopped talking. I was trying to relax and pay attention to my bladder and not move around. But I kept opening up my eyes. She must have noticed because once she asked me, “Are you still doing OK?” And after she said I acted like, ‘is it over yet?’ I didn’t say anything and just told her how good it was. She understood. I wish I could just enjoy. I think it was here when she said that’s why I’m going to the doctor – a specialist – so we can figure things out. I looked like I didn’t want to say more about it.
Then I told her about the phone message on Friday. I called her office Friday afternoon and she unexpectedly answered. I asked her to call and leave me a message on my cell. I may have to go to a funeral and I didn’t want to think about it – big bertha or little bertha. She asked me if I want her to tell me which one to wear. Yes and what to think. She said it was fine, we hung up and she called my cell right then. She told me to dress appropriately, that’s it’s OK to walk away so I don’t feel stuck or freeze to take care of myself, it’s to honor the loved one and encouraged me that I can do it. To wear my protection (what feels safest) just for the graveside and change later to something more comfortable. Good luck, try to stay relaxed and confident.
I told her how good it was. She was glad. I told her I listened quite a bit before I went. I laughed though when she said I can walk away and do what I need to do. I was thinking she was referring to having to go inconspicuously like I have to do sometimes. So I thought people would think: there’s a lady and now we can see here. And then I’d have to go between the tombstones and then she’d be gone – but then she pops up again. She said it’s good to use, that I can use, humor with it. Yes. I told her I couldn’t do it that way and I’ll tell her later why. But it was funny.
But the first thing she said was to wear appropriate clothes. Oh yes – of course, black pants! I told her how I get stuck. When I get into these situations I don’t know what to do. What ever we do in here I can’t remember. I feel so dumb and it frustrates me. I asked her if that’s normal. But when I’m in a situation I do remember. She said it’s good I remember then. Yes! I think it’s usually the opposite. She said that tells her a lot. When my anxiety is high before hand that’s when I can’t remember. I need to lower it so I can. She said even to tape record something or write it down would be good so I have it. She said we can work on it together. I told her how I can and have been helping other people just fine. I can tell them what’s helpful, what I do and such. She thought that was great! But not myself.
Then I talked about Saturday going to the kids and helping them organizing the kids room. It went really well. Once though, I was just about to go the bathroom and my grandson said he had to use it. I thought to myself – don’t panic. She asked if they only have one bathroom. Yes. Luckily he was out soon and that was good. She said it worked this time in the situation telling myself not to panic. Yes, it did. I think that’s when she said again about seeing that doctor (she said I’m going to my OB and the specialist) to find out more. She asked me if it’s a step along the path – if I felt that way. Yes.
When she said that again about seeing the specialist I gave her another one of those looks. I told her we are going to have to talk about that. But not now. She nodded. I also said that I was a little worried I may get my period before I go. She is an OB and may have to do an internal exam. They are getting more speratic but sometimes every month, sometimes 3 weeks and the longest 2 months. But I got up this morning and got my period so I’m hoping I’ll be OK when I go. She said I should be.
I told her I’m still agile. I got underneath the bunk bed to clean it out. I can’t see my daughter doing that. It’s one where the bottom is bigger than the top. She said her son had one like that and it was like forever under that. I teased and told the kids if I don’t come out send an SOS. And I said how my granddaughter got her first haircut ever. I showed her a picture from my phone. She said she’s looking more grown up. Yes. I told her to keep her glasses (reading glasses) on because I showed her the picture of the huge doll store my son sent me this weekend. I was there with the kids exactly a year ago. I love that store. I told him to buy me something. He said he did but I haven’t seen it because he came home 1:30 AM last night.
Anyway I said how my daughter’s boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go with them for her haircut. I said that hers and my best friends probably didn’t do this but because she has the long stringy part, the new hair growing in is just sticking up in the air. The haircut (about shoulder length) gets rid of the long stringy. But I avoided it, made the kids sandwiches. I could have said something to my daughter but didn’t and I left. I felt bad because I was missing out. She asked me if it was because I was afraid of finding the bathroom and such. Yes. She said that’s got to be hard because she knows I like to be included in things like that. Yes. I went on to tell her about my daughter’s boyfriend yelling a lot but I tried to ignore it. I’m not used to that. We didn’t do that. I’m a very calm person. Later she said about how my granddaughter likes my calmness. And my grandson, I pointed out.
I told her about yesterday and going with friends after the funeral bowling (we had to change places) and to dinner where there’s a pool table (she’s not been there). I told her about the smoke and the baby and a friend - and we sat separately. I wanted to hold the baby and told the Mom I’d be in later. I did and the Dad was feeding him. After they told me he might barf on me. And the aunt said he peuked on her. I wanted to say it’s baby spit up. I told her how as afraid I am all 3 of my kids were spitters. But it was just spit up – that’s all. My youngest though would do it projectile. Even though I was afraid I did hold him and she said that was great. By now I was needing to go to the bathroom. I told her and she said, “OK,” and got up.
We went right away. She got her cream jacket and my bag out of her drawer. I stood up and put my black jacket on. We walked out, her first as usual. We got out of the waiting room into the hallway and she asked me to hold the bag. She put her jacket on. She didn’t ask for it back. We walked all the way down the flight of stairs and I then handed it to her. I think she did that on purpose wanting me to hold it for some reason. I like her to because I don’t want to be reminded. On the way down I told her my grandson is on Spring Break this week. She asked me if I’ll see him more. I told her I was thinking about it.
We got outside. She said we’ll walk around 2 times, 3 if I would like to, keeping it positive which was really good. We walked around once. I only remember her saying it’s nice to hear the sounds of birds chirping, a sure sign of Spring. I made some comment about now we need buds on the trees. I don’t remember anything else. At some point she had told me to use the bathroom downstairs when I need to. We finished the first circle. Then we started on the second. Later she told me we were about half way and she made it a point to tell me she didn’t see anything but she could tell by the look on my face. It was a very worried look as if to say, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ Later, also I told her that’s what it felt like.
So when she caught this she told me, “You can do it. You’ve got this. You have plenty of time.” I remember telling her, “I can’t” but I think it was so softly she didn’t hear. And I don’t think she was looking at me directly at that time. She continued the encouragement as we turned to walk back saying just a couple other things. She must have looked at me, or I looked at her, and I quietly said, “I can’t” as I shook my head no. We were still walking back. By then she had to know I was going. She handed me my bag to cover. That’s what I did right away. My pants got pretty wet very quickly. Later I told her it worked but not all the way because it was all the way down my legs.
She was a little ahead of me and got to the back door first and opened it. She told me she’d wait right there (on like a landing area between the 2 sets of stairs) while I go. I hesitated. I didn’t say but firstly, I didn’t want to walk in front of her to see. And, secondly I didn’t know what was happening downstairs if they had the door open to their office or not. She caught on and walked down the stairs in front of me. I kind of lagged behind waiting to see what she’d find down that hallway. She got there and I could tell the door was open with people there. So she motioned for me to come to walk behind her. I did trying to walk behind her for her to shield me so no one could see. I followed her down the hallway, she got to the bathroom first and opened the door for me while I slid in hoping no one saw how wet my pants were. All this was done without any word – all non verbal. Very good cues on both our parts.
Someone was in there – in the far stall. I don’t know if she knew that or not. She just opened the door for me to clear the way. Maybe she heard the person – I did. So I took the first one. I changed my clothes. They got done, left and then I did. My therapist was waiting for me down the hallway by the stairs. I came down, with my stupid bag and just gave her a look. She smiled back. We walked up the stairs and I told her I had no idea who was in the bathroom. I don’t think anything else was said on the way upstairs. I hate silences. I went in first, both doors and we went back to her office.
This is when she told me about how she didn’t see anything but she could tell on the look on my face I had that ‘I can’t do this any more’ look. I did – that’s what I felt. She asked me how I’m feeling. Angry. She smiled and said we need to work those feelings out of me. We only talked a little about it and she said she wanted to do something different. She grabbed the new squishy light bulb I just gave her. She went back and forth with it for my eye movement instead of setting up the light bar. She told me to show with my arms how I feel the anger. I made them go up and down like fighting. She did too for a moment when I started. She gave me the blue pillow to hit. I did while I had it on my lap. I smiled a few times with the going back and forth but really was able to do it. After I told her the way she was holding it the writing looked like a smiley face. She turned it, did it herself and said it does. She asked me if that helped. Yes, it’s a good thing.
So I still wasn’t rid of it and told her I don’t know why it happened. I wanted to know so it doesn’t happen again. She asked me if it came on suddenly like sometimes or was it a longer process. I told her this time it was longer – not sudden. I had told her earlier how it was really bad – all down my legs. “Oh,” she said sympathetically feeling for me. I told her I was glad she went before me and asked if that girl noticed. She didn’t think so. I asked her about the girl in the bathroom where she went. She said someone went to the offices at the other side of the vending machines but she doesn’t know if she came from the restroom or not. But anyway we did that light bulb back and forth again. She told me to use an image this time. I didn’t know what. She said of how it felt and looked down my legs of my pants. I did. After I said it was better.
I said how I can’t figure out if I panic and then have to go badly or if I just have to go badly. I thought and told her this time I think I panicked. She asked me when, was it going around a second time or a certain part of the circle. I didn’t know. I said maybe we didn’t do enough talking. The talking keeps my mind off it – maybe that’s what happened. Nothing else I remember. Maybe she didn’t comment.
Somehow the next couple of things lead into each other. About me going over today and seeing the kids and the love they have for me. Cuddling with the blanket. Screaming and them running to me. What the neighbors thought! I can’t pick up my granddaughter but I can my grandson. He’s skinner and it’s not ‘dead’ weight like hers. He gets right up on my hip bones. They went later to S park to fly their kites. Also about the Ellen show – the You Tube Video I showed her – everything’s on You Tube! It’s called Know or Go.
I asked her if she ever watches her show. She has but we both said how she can’t much because she’s there at her office when it’s on. I told her this was on Friday. What this Lauren (one of her writers) feels on the outside is what I feel like on the inside. Both my having to go to the bathroom and the throwing up thing. I said how, unlike that girl we both remembered being so loud, I’m not like that. When I have an accident I’m quiet about it. Unless I have to tell someone to let them know what’s going on. She said I more likely freeze about it. Yes. But this Lauren shows what I feel like on the inside. Ellen asked her what’s the worst part. She said not knowing when it’s going to happen. I said for me the same thing. Not knowing when I’m not going have an accident and go all over. Also not knowing if someone is coughing or whatever and not knowing if they are going to throw up in front of me.
So we watched the video on my IPod. I turned it around so she could see it. She watched very carefully. She was on a platform and then got dropped if she didn’t know the answer. She asked me if it was water below. I didn’t know and hoped it was to some kind of net or something. And, Ellen kept teasing her. When we were done she said that she would react the same way if she was up there. She said although she acts very calm with the throw up thing she would be just like that with falling. That’s why she can’t do roller coasters and things like that. She pointed out that if Lauren had to do that for 7 hours she would probably be cured from it.
Then she thought and went on to say it’s the same with my throwing up (vomiting word she used – I hate that word but I just listened) thing. But she’s not so sure about my having to go to the bathroom. She said that any one, any person, would feel the same way if they felt like they couldn’t control their bodily function and that they were about to have an accident. She posed it as a question to me and I told her yes, anyone would. I think she said it twice. Like it’s a normal reaction with anyone no matter how many times you would do it. She said the same thing with diarrhea. I said also, the same with throwing up in front of someone. Yes.
Then I said again how my grandson has been having accidents at school like once a week and he wet his bed last night. But he doesn’t think anything of it. She said he doesn’t have the shame like I do – like what happened to me. I said no and I don’t ever want him to. When he’s with me he doesn’t get it. She said that kids don’t feel it until it’s happening because they are so absorbed in what they are doing. But her point was anyone would feel the scare and fear if they are about to have an accident. It’s how we are wired up.
Now I wanted to talk about the funeral. I told her it was my Dad’s first cousin – 93 years old. My Dad would have been 93 ½ and they were close growing up. I remember him and his wife when I was little and later even with my husband and myself going out to dinner and the kids 1st birthday parties. But then we lost touch. Maybe blame my Mom on that – I don’t know. I wanted to go (I don’t like funerals but I felt detached and not attached from this one) to find out about him. Who he was and such. He’s my family. And I know why (on both sides) why I’m into music so much. He was a Dr (another smart family member) of Music and was the head of the dept at one of the colleges. And a while back he was a cameraman (4) for a TV station. Also – I remembered his address 8300 A. My cousin didn’t go but for other reasons.
So I told her where it was. I went to the bathroom at home. I also told her about when I was getting Little Bertha out of my closet I didn’t know but my husband was watching me. I tried to hide it and he just commented. I didn’t like it – I felt funny. She wanted to know what he said. That I have to do what I have to do. She said that was understanding. I told her I didn’t want him to know about it at all. So I waited to the last minute to put it on. Little Bertha isn’t so little – it’s pretty big. But I just couldn’t do Big Bertha – I couldn’t.
It was misting and we were under a tent. We got shooed in towards the back. I couldn’t have left without going in front of everyone and everyone seeing. Sometimes you can but not this time. I knew there was a person or two behind me and beside me. I was leaning against one of the tombstones. And we talked to another cousin and his wife and he has the genealogy of what this cousin who died did. I gave her my phone number and she said we could come over or she can send it to me. They are very wealthy. Millionaires on both sides of my family. On my Mom’s he’s in California now – he owned the big gas chain. And this guy. She doesn’t know where the sign is on the road of his business with his name.
So I did OK for about half way or three quarters through. I thought about it and kept telling myself it’s Ok, that I have protection on. When I needed to go I didn’t want to show it – I didn’t want anyone to know. She knows how I get when I have to go with moving around. But I try not to have an accident and try to hold it but I thought I better not fight it or I’d start moving around and people would know. She understood that I always want to give it my best. It’s like instinctive to do that.
So I started going and it went down my legs. It got the pad soaked too but it did go down my legs. I quickly looked down and I was standing on mud. Good – it wouldn’t show. But my socks were wet and I knew the insides of my pants were going down. It was dark and hard to see or really look. She’s been to that kind of funeral. She knew about the shovels. I said I do that and knew I’d have to wait in line and if anything showed everyone would see. And it would be lighter there. She asked if I had black pants on. Yes. So I tried to just have the confidence it was OK and go out there and do it and I did. She said that was really good I was able to do that.
Then I came back and talked to this couple who really gave me the cold shoulder. It really bothered me for a while at the time, not so much now. I can’t get into the story – running out of time – but it had to do with my son. And I’d see her and we’d talk (neighbor). But I skimmed over that fast and told her after when we were getting back into the car I quickly used the plastic bag I keep under the seat, to sit on. My husband was worried about the mud on his shoes. So he didn’t know a thing and I was glad. When we got home I just went to take care of myself.
But it was hard, even though I was able to keep the whole thing to myself. I had to deal with it and that wet, heavy (? I might have said) pad the whole way home. She agreed that it’s a constant reminder and can imagine how badly they feel and even just about those pads in general. Yes. She said how women wear pads for their periods. “Not like these!” I told her emphatically. I also said that I’m not sure why it leaked. It has those gathers. Maybe something too big. But when it happened I was just standing against the stone and usually I cross my legs when I’m having an accident and this time I didn’t not wanting to move around. Maybe that’s why. She said Big Bertha would have probably done fine. I gave her another one of those not wanting to think about it looks. We ended by her telling me it’s a good thing I did what I wanted to do there. Yes. I told her on a good note I emailed him requesting his eulogy and he emailed back to me his 3 pages notes he used with everything. I’ll share it (made a copy) for my cousin.
After I went to the bathroom again. I had to go at the end but didn’t say anything. I did it without her knowing for a change! Yes! When I got out the older man was just going in with our therapist already in her office awaiting him. The door looked closed to my massage therapist so I assumed his wife was still in there. I just stood in the hallway and waited. My therapist’s partner came out and asked if she knows I’m here – as she was getting her next client. I said my therapist already took her husband – it shouldn’t be long. She got her guy and they went into her office. I decided to knock on the massage therapist’s door. She said just a minute. So I waited. Soon the lady came out – both saying sorry it took longer. The older lady started to go to the waiting room and I told her that her husband already went back. She said she has to get something. I told the massage therapist what happened. She apologized she just needed a little longer. No problem.
I told her there were a few other things I stuck in my purse from there if she wants. I pulled out a credit card calendar. She said she doesn’t do those. I pulled out some scented green stuff in a little bag I think for your feet. I told her it smells good. She took it, smelled it and said, “Lovely.” She kept that. I pulled out 2 letter openers – magnetic. She said she has one and those look like they could be weapons – no weapons in here. I told her that’s what I thought, too. But she thought the light bulb thing was great and it was about some kind of business protection she said after she read it. She said that’s what I’m looking for – for my book. I said yes, maybe. She thought that was interesting. I told her there were banks and all sorts there. I have one, too.
She then asked me how it was going there. I said how everyone was friendly, said hi and such. It was nice being around professional people. She said that’s a step towards my goal. I guess so. I then pulled out my notes and told her I knew it was going to be one of those weekends. First I started with Thursday. I also told her I wanted to go walking today. Last time we did two times maybe we should do two again today or maybe even three. She said OK, we will see how it goes for me and wanted to make sure I would give myself enough time to get to the bathroom. I nodded I would. She asked me if we should bring my clothes. I thought, “We better.” I didn’t say but we haven been forgetting. She asked me when I wanted to go. I told her when I have to go to the bathroom. Ok.
So Thursday was with the massage therapist for 20 minutes. I told her at first I handled it by talking a lot. But then I thought I wanted to just relax and enjoy it so I stopped talking. I was trying to relax and pay attention to my bladder and not move around. But I kept opening up my eyes. She must have noticed because once she asked me, “Are you still doing OK?” And after she said I acted like, ‘is it over yet?’ I didn’t say anything and just told her how good it was. She understood. I wish I could just enjoy. I think it was here when she said that’s why I’m going to the doctor – a specialist – so we can figure things out. I looked like I didn’t want to say more about it.
Then I told her about the phone message on Friday. I called her office Friday afternoon and she unexpectedly answered. I asked her to call and leave me a message on my cell. I may have to go to a funeral and I didn’t want to think about it – big bertha or little bertha. She asked me if I want her to tell me which one to wear. Yes and what to think. She said it was fine, we hung up and she called my cell right then. She told me to dress appropriately, that’s it’s OK to walk away so I don’t feel stuck or freeze to take care of myself, it’s to honor the loved one and encouraged me that I can do it. To wear my protection (what feels safest) just for the graveside and change later to something more comfortable. Good luck, try to stay relaxed and confident.
I told her how good it was. She was glad. I told her I listened quite a bit before I went. I laughed though when she said I can walk away and do what I need to do. I was thinking she was referring to having to go inconspicuously like I have to do sometimes. So I thought people would think: there’s a lady and now we can see here. And then I’d have to go between the tombstones and then she’d be gone – but then she pops up again. She said it’s good to use, that I can use, humor with it. Yes. I told her I couldn’t do it that way and I’ll tell her later why. But it was funny.
But the first thing she said was to wear appropriate clothes. Oh yes – of course, black pants! I told her how I get stuck. When I get into these situations I don’t know what to do. What ever we do in here I can’t remember. I feel so dumb and it frustrates me. I asked her if that’s normal. But when I’m in a situation I do remember. She said it’s good I remember then. Yes! I think it’s usually the opposite. She said that tells her a lot. When my anxiety is high before hand that’s when I can’t remember. I need to lower it so I can. She said even to tape record something or write it down would be good so I have it. She said we can work on it together. I told her how I can and have been helping other people just fine. I can tell them what’s helpful, what I do and such. She thought that was great! But not myself.
Then I talked about Saturday going to the kids and helping them organizing the kids room. It went really well. Once though, I was just about to go the bathroom and my grandson said he had to use it. I thought to myself – don’t panic. She asked if they only have one bathroom. Yes. Luckily he was out soon and that was good. She said it worked this time in the situation telling myself not to panic. Yes, it did. I think that’s when she said again about seeing that doctor (she said I’m going to my OB and the specialist) to find out more. She asked me if it’s a step along the path – if I felt that way. Yes.
When she said that again about seeing the specialist I gave her another one of those looks. I told her we are going to have to talk about that. But not now. She nodded. I also said that I was a little worried I may get my period before I go. She is an OB and may have to do an internal exam. They are getting more speratic but sometimes every month, sometimes 3 weeks and the longest 2 months. But I got up this morning and got my period so I’m hoping I’ll be OK when I go. She said I should be.
I told her I’m still agile. I got underneath the bunk bed to clean it out. I can’t see my daughter doing that. It’s one where the bottom is bigger than the top. She said her son had one like that and it was like forever under that. I teased and told the kids if I don’t come out send an SOS. And I said how my granddaughter got her first haircut ever. I showed her a picture from my phone. She said she’s looking more grown up. Yes. I told her to keep her glasses (reading glasses) on because I showed her the picture of the huge doll store my son sent me this weekend. I was there with the kids exactly a year ago. I love that store. I told him to buy me something. He said he did but I haven’t seen it because he came home 1:30 AM last night.
Anyway I said how my daughter’s boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go with them for her haircut. I said that hers and my best friends probably didn’t do this but because she has the long stringy part, the new hair growing in is just sticking up in the air. The haircut (about shoulder length) gets rid of the long stringy. But I avoided it, made the kids sandwiches. I could have said something to my daughter but didn’t and I left. I felt bad because I was missing out. She asked me if it was because I was afraid of finding the bathroom and such. Yes. She said that’s got to be hard because she knows I like to be included in things like that. Yes. I went on to tell her about my daughter’s boyfriend yelling a lot but I tried to ignore it. I’m not used to that. We didn’t do that. I’m a very calm person. Later she said about how my granddaughter likes my calmness. And my grandson, I pointed out.
I told her about yesterday and going with friends after the funeral bowling (we had to change places) and to dinner where there’s a pool table (she’s not been there). I told her about the smoke and the baby and a friend - and we sat separately. I wanted to hold the baby and told the Mom I’d be in later. I did and the Dad was feeding him. After they told me he might barf on me. And the aunt said he peuked on her. I wanted to say it’s baby spit up. I told her how as afraid I am all 3 of my kids were spitters. But it was just spit up – that’s all. My youngest though would do it projectile. Even though I was afraid I did hold him and she said that was great. By now I was needing to go to the bathroom. I told her and she said, “OK,” and got up.
We went right away. She got her cream jacket and my bag out of her drawer. I stood up and put my black jacket on. We walked out, her first as usual. We got out of the waiting room into the hallway and she asked me to hold the bag. She put her jacket on. She didn’t ask for it back. We walked all the way down the flight of stairs and I then handed it to her. I think she did that on purpose wanting me to hold it for some reason. I like her to because I don’t want to be reminded. On the way down I told her my grandson is on Spring Break this week. She asked me if I’ll see him more. I told her I was thinking about it.
We got outside. She said we’ll walk around 2 times, 3 if I would like to, keeping it positive which was really good. We walked around once. I only remember her saying it’s nice to hear the sounds of birds chirping, a sure sign of Spring. I made some comment about now we need buds on the trees. I don’t remember anything else. At some point she had told me to use the bathroom downstairs when I need to. We finished the first circle. Then we started on the second. Later she told me we were about half way and she made it a point to tell me she didn’t see anything but she could tell by the look on my face. It was a very worried look as if to say, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ Later, also I told her that’s what it felt like.
So when she caught this she told me, “You can do it. You’ve got this. You have plenty of time.” I remember telling her, “I can’t” but I think it was so softly she didn’t hear. And I don’t think she was looking at me directly at that time. She continued the encouragement as we turned to walk back saying just a couple other things. She must have looked at me, or I looked at her, and I quietly said, “I can’t” as I shook my head no. We were still walking back. By then she had to know I was going. She handed me my bag to cover. That’s what I did right away. My pants got pretty wet very quickly. Later I told her it worked but not all the way because it was all the way down my legs.
She was a little ahead of me and got to the back door first and opened it. She told me she’d wait right there (on like a landing area between the 2 sets of stairs) while I go. I hesitated. I didn’t say but firstly, I didn’t want to walk in front of her to see. And, secondly I didn’t know what was happening downstairs if they had the door open to their office or not. She caught on and walked down the stairs in front of me. I kind of lagged behind waiting to see what she’d find down that hallway. She got there and I could tell the door was open with people there. So she motioned for me to come to walk behind her. I did trying to walk behind her for her to shield me so no one could see. I followed her down the hallway, she got to the bathroom first and opened the door for me while I slid in hoping no one saw how wet my pants were. All this was done without any word – all non verbal. Very good cues on both our parts.
Someone was in there – in the far stall. I don’t know if she knew that or not. She just opened the door for me to clear the way. Maybe she heard the person – I did. So I took the first one. I changed my clothes. They got done, left and then I did. My therapist was waiting for me down the hallway by the stairs. I came down, with my stupid bag and just gave her a look. She smiled back. We walked up the stairs and I told her I had no idea who was in the bathroom. I don’t think anything else was said on the way upstairs. I hate silences. I went in first, both doors and we went back to her office.
This is when she told me about how she didn’t see anything but she could tell on the look on my face I had that ‘I can’t do this any more’ look. I did – that’s what I felt. She asked me how I’m feeling. Angry. She smiled and said we need to work those feelings out of me. We only talked a little about it and she said she wanted to do something different. She grabbed the new squishy light bulb I just gave her. She went back and forth with it for my eye movement instead of setting up the light bar. She told me to show with my arms how I feel the anger. I made them go up and down like fighting. She did too for a moment when I started. She gave me the blue pillow to hit. I did while I had it on my lap. I smiled a few times with the going back and forth but really was able to do it. After I told her the way she was holding it the writing looked like a smiley face. She turned it, did it herself and said it does. She asked me if that helped. Yes, it’s a good thing.
So I still wasn’t rid of it and told her I don’t know why it happened. I wanted to know so it doesn’t happen again. She asked me if it came on suddenly like sometimes or was it a longer process. I told her this time it was longer – not sudden. I had told her earlier how it was really bad – all down my legs. “Oh,” she said sympathetically feeling for me. I told her I was glad she went before me and asked if that girl noticed. She didn’t think so. I asked her about the girl in the bathroom where she went. She said someone went to the offices at the other side of the vending machines but she doesn’t know if she came from the restroom or not. But anyway we did that light bulb back and forth again. She told me to use an image this time. I didn’t know what. She said of how it felt and looked down my legs of my pants. I did. After I said it was better.
I said how I can’t figure out if I panic and then have to go badly or if I just have to go badly. I thought and told her this time I think I panicked. She asked me when, was it going around a second time or a certain part of the circle. I didn’t know. I said maybe we didn’t do enough talking. The talking keeps my mind off it – maybe that’s what happened. Nothing else I remember. Maybe she didn’t comment.
Somehow the next couple of things lead into each other. About me going over today and seeing the kids and the love they have for me. Cuddling with the blanket. Screaming and them running to me. What the neighbors thought! I can’t pick up my granddaughter but I can my grandson. He’s skinner and it’s not ‘dead’ weight like hers. He gets right up on my hip bones. They went later to S park to fly their kites. Also about the Ellen show – the You Tube Video I showed her – everything’s on You Tube! It’s called Know or Go.
I asked her if she ever watches her show. She has but we both said how she can’t much because she’s there at her office when it’s on. I told her this was on Friday. What this Lauren (one of her writers) feels on the outside is what I feel like on the inside. Both my having to go to the bathroom and the throwing up thing. I said how, unlike that girl we both remembered being so loud, I’m not like that. When I have an accident I’m quiet about it. Unless I have to tell someone to let them know what’s going on. She said I more likely freeze about it. Yes. But this Lauren shows what I feel like on the inside. Ellen asked her what’s the worst part. She said not knowing when it’s going to happen. I said for me the same thing. Not knowing when I’m not going have an accident and go all over. Also not knowing if someone is coughing or whatever and not knowing if they are going to throw up in front of me.
So we watched the video on my IPod. I turned it around so she could see it. She watched very carefully. She was on a platform and then got dropped if she didn’t know the answer. She asked me if it was water below. I didn’t know and hoped it was to some kind of net or something. And, Ellen kept teasing her. When we were done she said that she would react the same way if she was up there. She said although she acts very calm with the throw up thing she would be just like that with falling. That’s why she can’t do roller coasters and things like that. She pointed out that if Lauren had to do that for 7 hours she would probably be cured from it.
Then she thought and went on to say it’s the same with my throwing up (vomiting word she used – I hate that word but I just listened) thing. But she’s not so sure about my having to go to the bathroom. She said that any one, any person, would feel the same way if they felt like they couldn’t control their bodily function and that they were about to have an accident. She posed it as a question to me and I told her yes, anyone would. I think she said it twice. Like it’s a normal reaction with anyone no matter how many times you would do it. She said the same thing with diarrhea. I said also, the same with throwing up in front of someone. Yes.
Then I said again how my grandson has been having accidents at school like once a week and he wet his bed last night. But he doesn’t think anything of it. She said he doesn’t have the shame like I do – like what happened to me. I said no and I don’t ever want him to. When he’s with me he doesn’t get it. She said that kids don’t feel it until it’s happening because they are so absorbed in what they are doing. But her point was anyone would feel the scare and fear if they are about to have an accident. It’s how we are wired up.
Now I wanted to talk about the funeral. I told her it was my Dad’s first cousin – 93 years old. My Dad would have been 93 ½ and they were close growing up. I remember him and his wife when I was little and later even with my husband and myself going out to dinner and the kids 1st birthday parties. But then we lost touch. Maybe blame my Mom on that – I don’t know. I wanted to go (I don’t like funerals but I felt detached and not attached from this one) to find out about him. Who he was and such. He’s my family. And I know why (on both sides) why I’m into music so much. He was a Dr (another smart family member) of Music and was the head of the dept at one of the colleges. And a while back he was a cameraman (4) for a TV station. Also – I remembered his address 8300 A. My cousin didn’t go but for other reasons.
So I told her where it was. I went to the bathroom at home. I also told her about when I was getting Little Bertha out of my closet I didn’t know but my husband was watching me. I tried to hide it and he just commented. I didn’t like it – I felt funny. She wanted to know what he said. That I have to do what I have to do. She said that was understanding. I told her I didn’t want him to know about it at all. So I waited to the last minute to put it on. Little Bertha isn’t so little – it’s pretty big. But I just couldn’t do Big Bertha – I couldn’t.
It was misting and we were under a tent. We got shooed in towards the back. I couldn’t have left without going in front of everyone and everyone seeing. Sometimes you can but not this time. I knew there was a person or two behind me and beside me. I was leaning against one of the tombstones. And we talked to another cousin and his wife and he has the genealogy of what this cousin who died did. I gave her my phone number and she said we could come over or she can send it to me. They are very wealthy. Millionaires on both sides of my family. On my Mom’s he’s in California now – he owned the big gas chain. And this guy. She doesn’t know where the sign is on the road of his business with his name.
So I did OK for about half way or three quarters through. I thought about it and kept telling myself it’s Ok, that I have protection on. When I needed to go I didn’t want to show it – I didn’t want anyone to know. She knows how I get when I have to go with moving around. But I try not to have an accident and try to hold it but I thought I better not fight it or I’d start moving around and people would know. She understood that I always want to give it my best. It’s like instinctive to do that.
So I started going and it went down my legs. It got the pad soaked too but it did go down my legs. I quickly looked down and I was standing on mud. Good – it wouldn’t show. But my socks were wet and I knew the insides of my pants were going down. It was dark and hard to see or really look. She’s been to that kind of funeral. She knew about the shovels. I said I do that and knew I’d have to wait in line and if anything showed everyone would see. And it would be lighter there. She asked if I had black pants on. Yes. So I tried to just have the confidence it was OK and go out there and do it and I did. She said that was really good I was able to do that.
Then I came back and talked to this couple who really gave me the cold shoulder. It really bothered me for a while at the time, not so much now. I can’t get into the story – running out of time – but it had to do with my son. And I’d see her and we’d talk (neighbor). But I skimmed over that fast and told her after when we were getting back into the car I quickly used the plastic bag I keep under the seat, to sit on. My husband was worried about the mud on his shoes. So he didn’t know a thing and I was glad. When we got home I just went to take care of myself.
But it was hard, even though I was able to keep the whole thing to myself. I had to deal with it and that wet, heavy (? I might have said) pad the whole way home. She agreed that it’s a constant reminder and can imagine how badly they feel and even just about those pads in general. Yes. She said how women wear pads for their periods. “Not like these!” I told her emphatically. I also said that I’m not sure why it leaked. It has those gathers. Maybe something too big. But when it happened I was just standing against the stone and usually I cross my legs when I’m having an accident and this time I didn’t not wanting to move around. Maybe that’s why. She said Big Bertha would have probably done fine. I gave her another one of those not wanting to think about it looks. We ended by her telling me it’s a good thing I did what I wanted to do there. Yes. I told her on a good note I emailed him requesting his eulogy and he emailed back to me his 3 pages notes he used with everything. I’ll share it (made a copy) for my cousin.
After I went to the bathroom again. I had to go at the end but didn’t say anything. I did it without her knowing for a change! Yes! When I got out the older man was just going in with our therapist already in her office awaiting him. The door looked closed to my massage therapist so I assumed his wife was still in there. I just stood in the hallway and waited. My therapist’s partner came out and asked if she knows I’m here – as she was getting her next client. I said my therapist already took her husband – it shouldn’t be long. She got her guy and they went into her office. I decided to knock on the massage therapist’s door. She said just a minute. So I waited. Soon the lady came out – both saying sorry it took longer. The older lady started to go to the waiting room and I told her that her husband already went back. She said she has to get something. I told the massage therapist what happened. She apologized she just needed a little longer. No problem.
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