Help!!!
Ok, so I'm fairly new to this relationship stuff. I've been in relationships before, but nothing quite as serious as the one I'm in now. I love him. I'm going to marry him someday. I just can't understand how someone's self-esteem can be so low. I mean, I can understand it, but I can't fix it for him, and that's what I do...I'm a fixer! For those of you who don't know, Adam has gotten 2 DUI's in the last 5 years, which, in ND, means he loses his license for a year (or more). He was court-ordered to have a chemical dependency evaluation and they determined he needed intensive outpatient therapy (consisting of 3 hours a session, 3 sessions a week, for 8-10 weeks, including 1 family session per week). We both think this is a ridiculous amount of time to be spending at the counseling place because he doesn't drink that often. The only thing is, when he DOES drink, he over-does it. ...which is where the problem comes in. When he does drink to the point of getting smashed, he gets SO insecure about our relationship that it usually ends in a fight. I love him SO much, but it hurts me to deal with him when he's like that because he'll say something, and then he thinks I'm mad about it (which, I'm a pretty laid back person, so I don't get mad too often), and then he sulks. And sometimes, he'll just call to say "I love you" and when I say it back, he calls me a liar. He says I will find someone better someday and kick him to the curb. Last night in particular, he went on a rant about how he's not good for me and he knows that I know that in my heart and someday my brain will catch up. It really hurts me to hear him say those things. He does have his problems, but isn't working through problems TOGETHER what relationships are about? I mean, he's financially unstable, which CAN be fixed (but he wants a quick fix). He's unhappy with his work situation, but is scared to leave because he's been there for 6 years and doesn't know any different. My question is, how do I fix this? He refuses to go to counseling because he's convinced that they're "quacks" and just want his money. Nothing I do or say can change his mind (especially when he's drunk). I'm at a loss for solutions. And as a side note, when he does drink, he's never abusive or demeaning. The low self-esteem shows it's ugly face and I don't think he knows how to handle it. I just wanted to make it clear that my safety is not an issue. I just want him to realize how much he means to me and that I wouldn't give up what we have for the world. Someone please help!
Replies
I\'m a blunt person....and I know you may not want to hear this and may delete it, but in my opinion the issue with alcohol is HIS problem. It came WITH him when you two met and it sounds its beyond YOUR control to fix it. You say he doesn\'t drink alot but when he does, he over-does it - kinda sounds like binge drinking to me. You can\'t make him go to what is court-ordered nor should you have to. He\'s a grown man. You\'re right to an extent - BOTH people in the relationship should be able to work things out....but right now it sounds like its just you. You say he\'s never been abusive or demeaning, but when you tell him you love him - he calls you a liar. Abuse comes in all types: Mental, Physical and Emotional. You can\'t talk rational to him because it sounds like he tunes you out. He doesn\'t like his job, but won\'t do anything about it.
I don\'t doubt at all that you love him - otherwise you wouldn\'t be trying to find help - but he has to help himself at the same time. DUI\'s are serious offenses.
BEFORE my surgery, the guy I was dating kept saying to me: \"You\'re not going to leave me when you get all skinny, are you?\"...so many times, I got tired of hearing it. I liked him dearly (only dating for about 4-5 months at the time), but as the surgery date got closer, the more nervous I got and I couldn\'t put up with the same question almost every other day or so - so I had to do was good for me, break up with him and explain why. To this day he and I are friends and he understands - at first he was really mad and wouldn\'t talk to me.
Bottom line....you have to do whats good for you. To me, this isn\'t good for you and he needs to fix himself whether he wants your love, help and support next to him or a phone call away when he needs to talk. At stupid as this may sound, look within yourself and if you if feel you can fix him, I wish you all the luck in the world...if you cant, the only you can do is try to explain why to him - hope he understands and be there when or if he needs you - and break things off for a while. Just don\'t let him guilt you.
Again, its just my humble opinion. Good luck and God Bless.