gunshy and quivering

I feel like I am living limited inside of this marriage.
I try to be still, and content, but it seems to cave in and offence creeps into his words so often.
I would like to start over again, but that's not realistic I suppose. It's not that I am faking it, it's not that I am completely miserable, It's just a little confusing.
When your needs are not being met, most of us have a tendancy to search elsewhere. Problem is that I've always drawn strength from that friendship with him.
I've drawn massages, quality time, laughs, down time, gifts, so many memories with the man that I did not chose to marry. I'm so sorry, and I am also possibly speaking out of transference, and most certainly grief and a loss of him.
 
This marriage is, okay, it's alright, but I feel like he retreats and does not challenge me in the areas I could be. I try to challenge myself, but who you are around does make all the difference.
The sex is good, I am certainly attracted to my husband. But emotionally he is such a strain most of the time. The looks portray the inner attitude, and I am hurt by that because I crave much more joy than he gives. It's not that I am dependent or wanting to get all my comfort from him - but I'd like to have a MUCH GENTLER growth into my marriage than what I have.
 
I don't know how I can explain this well and with enough articulation for someone else to understand. I could not betray my husband by leaving him. I would want him to trigger that so that I have a valid reason to run to the other man.. do I want that to happen? I've thought of it - and that clashes with who I am as well, and my ethics. So at a soul core, I am not responsible, I am fragile and wounded. But am I wounded beyond action? ? ?
 
Who do I turn to? I do ask God, and I am given free will in return.
What though, do I do when I am unclear. I suppose I can fast, I can pray, I can try more to be a better person. But I can not wipe away the respect and admiration for my best friend. The man I did not marry. The man I really miss.
 
Maybe it's just that I miss him. That I miss you, Mitch. You were always there for me when I needed you. There is such a gap now and I am sad without you around. I do not want to live in regret so I am afraid to move, and was afraid to run away the day before I was getting married though I nearly did.
I almost threw in the towel because I saw my husband wasn't treating me as I hoped, but I pushed that aside and did the dutiful thing.
I did what I always do, try and see the best in people and look at the brighter side - getting to be a bride. Even on the wedding day something did not feel quite right, I did not feel loved as I should as a bride.
 
I do not feel loved as I should as a newly wed and this makes me so disappointed.