Guilt can be so toxic, if we allow it........

 I read another moms journal, and wrote them this comment, so others can read that they are not alone feeling this toxic guilt which can prolong our healing process.. I also feel as though I could of saved my son... I believe of all the chaos and disractions at the time Ryan Overdosed was... GOD who put all the chaos into the mix of it all, and blocked it out, b/c it was all supose to happen the way it did... The story of how it all came about is such a tradgedy, I can't help but blame myself.. The only way I can cope with it all, is forgiving myself, and I can't think back at it, B/C it eats me alive....I haven't written out the who story yet, it is a big fear to mine...The guilt makes me feel insane....I started to write the story on word pad, but I have to get in the state of mine, alone with God and I, to write the story without fear...It is hard to explain on my own, without Praying to God for help... Something about asking God for help does magical things to help me understand without beating myself up...Love & Hugs, Kelly