Guilt can be so toxic, if we allow it........

 I read another moms journal, and wrote them this comment, so others can read that they are not alone feeling this toxic guilt which can prolong our healing process.. I also feel as though I could of saved my son... I believe of all the chaos and disractions at the time Ryan Overdosed was... GOD who put all the chaos into the mix of it all, and blocked it out, b/c it was all supose to happen the way it did... The story of how it all came about is such a tradgedy, I can't help but blame myself.. The only way I can cope with it all, is forgiving myself, and I can't think back at it, B/C it eats me alive....I haven't written out the who story yet, it is a big fear to mine...The guilt makes me feel insane....I started to write the story on word pad, but I have to get in the state of mine, alone with God and I, to write the story without fear...It is hard to explain on my own, without Praying to God for help... Something about asking God for help does magical things to help me understand without beating myself up...Love & Hugs, Kelly

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Yes He does works in very magical ways....Hugs, Connie
deleted_user
deleted_user

So true. I am sure each of us could beat ourselves up with \"What if...\" and \"If only..\" It could truly drive one mad!!!! I remind myself that God knew all the \"what ifs\" and \"if onlys\" and allowed Philp to die. I truly believe God allowed it in order to save us from worse things that could have been. Some may ask what could be worse than a child\'s death. If he had caused anothers death or took someone else\'s life ~ I believe that would have been even more for us to have to deal with. So I believe God (in His loving care) spared us from worse thngs!!! I will be praying that you will have the strength to write your story and then share it when and if you choose. Linda
KandL
KandL

So true, Kelly. The what ifs and guilt will do us in. I know one thing is true. All of us would have moved Heaven & earth to save our kids if we could have . We need to forgive ourselves & move on as best we can. Love to you and precious Ryan, Linda
NellW
NellW

I know if I had it to do other again..maybe I would see the signs that Jeff was getting sick. But we don\'t get to do anything over. We have to decide to live and like one of the Moms said we have to just move on the best we can.
Peace and Kindness to you.
Nell
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

We all feel that we should have done something to keep our children safe and happy. I supported Lisa\'s decision to have surgery. I believed that she would be healthy. Every day I wish I had discouraged her - although my sensible mind tells me Lisa would have done it anyway. I pray that I will see her again.
Hugs
Marlene
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

this is my current status, part of a poem written by mary oliver: \"though I play at the edges of knowing, truly I know our part is not knowing, but looking, and touching, and loving\" It is the same message as you saying that God was in the chaos, and that you feel better when you turn it over and let it go. There is so much we will never know and certainly can\'t do again... but we can love. Forever. Love love love.
Hugs,
Sarah
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

My late mom said that when we become mothers the big G is stitched on our chests. No matter what happens with our children whether they are no longer with us or are we can go to that place daily. I know we have to visit it from time to time yet we get to choose if we allow it to take us out of this present moment (which it will.) Guilt is ego driven and love is all about spirit. How would we feel if we could truly forgive ourselves for what happened to our children? I\'m not sure because I\'m not there yet... it\'s a peace that I long to have and am trying to slowly move in that direction. Peace dear one as you look at what you need to for your healing yet not for your flogging... we\'ve each already done enough of that. Loving arms around you. I understand because I\'m right there with you. Joanie
deleted_user
deleted_user

Kelly, It took a few years before I realized the belief in my subconscious is Our Creator, the one who \"knows the day we are born and the day we leave this earth\". Before Tommy, there were several adult children we knew who lost their life.
Each and everyone one of us got caught up in \"if only\" etc...Continued prayers for healing. Love, Pat
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hugs...Love to you~julie
deleted_user
deleted_user

\"Something about asking God for help does magical things to help me understand without beating myself up...\"
Amen to that, sister! I love how you phrased that. Isn\'t that so neat about God, he NEVER makes us \"grovel\" when he helps us to understand. He is SO much more merciful and gentle to us than humans are to each other most times. So gentle of an instructor. A REAL Healer.
Please don\'t beat yourself up anymore. Ryan knows one thing is important, how much you love him. You and me are just mere humans and we try to do the best we can for our kids, our family. But the bottom line is, we\'re not perfect and nobody on earth is! Ryan just wants you to be happy, like he is now. This beating ourselves up part was the hardest for me. I love you. (((HUG)))
deleted_user
deleted_user

Kelly, so very glad you turn to God for help. I have often said if not for God and DS/FMO, I don\'t know what would have happened to me. Guilt feelings just creep up on you sometimes. Hugs,
Carol
deleted_user
deleted_user

i am so sorry for your loss... hugs
MartinsMom
MartinsMom

I understand your pain. When Martin died of sudden cardiac death I was not there he was alone. I feel guilty everyday and will never forgive myself. If I had only came home from work on time that day maybe I could of saved him. Love Camille
deleted_user
deleted_user

I do the same - I live with guilt for what I didn\'t see and didn\'t do. I hope we can both get over this in time. Let go and let God be the judge, I guess. Hugs to you in friendship, BarbaraWawa (Barb)