Guilt can be so toxic, if we allow it........
I read another moms journal, and wrote them this comment, so others can read that they are not alone feeling this toxic guilt which can prolong our healing process.. I also feel as though I could of saved my son... I believe of all the chaos and disractions at the time Ryan Overdosed was... GOD who put all the chaos into the mix of it all, and blocked it out, b/c it was all supose to happen the way it did... The story of how it all came about is such a tradgedy, I can't help but blame myself.. The only way I can cope with it all, is forgiving myself, and I can't think back at it, B/C it eats me alive....I haven't written out the who story yet, it is a big fear to mine...The guilt makes me feel insane....I started to write the story on word pad, but I have to get in the state of mine, alone with God and I, to write the story without fear...It is hard to explain on my own, without Praying to God for help... Something about asking God for help does magical things to help me understand without beating myself up...Love & Hugs, Kelly
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Write your story a little at a time,, I will read it, and I know I will cry,,peace to you, Nora
Writing the story out might very well help you through the guilt. I know there are times I think of an ugly encounter I had with Cory and regret it terribly. All of us make mistakes in our relationships. We are but human with our flaws. When I think of a bad time I always switch my thoughts to the hundreds of good times. The good times always out number the few bad. There is nothing we can do about the past. We can only try not to repeat a similar behavior. We were all good mothers and our children were all good children. All of us had our weaknesses. Just don\'t guilty yourself.
Kelly, I know the exact feelings....the guilt that eats me alive when I go to that dark dark place. It won\'t allow me to think straight, it won\'t allow me to have peace, it won\'t allow me the good memories.....it is all consuming...it IS the devil!! He is the one who condemns us and he loves for us to have those feelings. You are right about forgiving ourselves....but we are flesh and it is hard to do....but surely we can one day. Some days I think I have it beat and then all of a sudden it floods right back in.....and then I am desperately miserable. You are right about God. It is HE who will give the strength and love and the GRACE to get us through this corrupt life. I pray you will be able to write your feeling and thoughts and purge the guilt from your mind once and for all....I pray it for both of us. Love to you dear friend....dale, brandon\'s mom
gentle hugs to you dear friend!!!!
Wrapping you in a big hug, my friend, and sending you lots of love. Beth
Kelly, maybe it would help you to write it out......when you are ready. Just take your time and continue to ask God to help you with this. I have felt guilty wondering if maybe Chris died from a virus he had a few weeks before.....maybe it affected his heart. If only I had MADE him go to the Dr. I will never know....and it drives me crazy sometimes if I let it. I just try to control these feelings by going to happy memories and remembering those. Because I really don\'t think I had any control of the outcome....nor do any of us really. It is out of our hands, but I do understand those feelings. Saying a prayers for you that God will help you through this. You know we are here to listen too! Love & Hugs, Kim
Kelly...write when you want...it is your journey...when you are ready it will come freely. I do believe that whatever we did or didn\'t do is not something we need to feel guilt over. I believe that we did the best we could at the time in our life. Hindsight is 20/20...when you are living \"it\" we cannot always see...so no fears my friend. Love and hugs...Karen
Write what you want when you want. I still have issues/guilt feelings that I may never write about but that is me. Hugs to you. BarbaraWawa (Barb)
Dear Kelly, write it when you want to. Maybe bits at a time. Maybe to yourself or to us. Maybe a private handwritten journal. I found writing to be healing. I often write out my anger and it helps. I love you. Belinda