Guilt Attack II
I think I'm holding steady through the guilt attack. At last discussion, Hubs was feeling temptation to carry through on our parenting style where one of us says no while the other says yes on the side. The very mechanism which allows children to play parents against one another. Our own family enjoys that game so much that we are still playing it with middle aged children. Let the children grow up, my love. Still. . . I backed off and let that part be hubby's to sort.
YS sent me a link to his latest web creation last night, despite the no-to-more-dough. Is that forgiveness? Validation for my momsense that their on-going financial dependence is his wife's doing? Sometimes I believe I am gaining a sense of when I am speaking to the father of my grandchildren and when I am speaking to his wife's messenger. Again I remind myself that momsense is only two humps greater than nonsense. That isnae mine to sort. Let the children grow up, mother.
Still no word from CPS. In the silence of waiting, the memories of the other grandfather's crowing pride in his court successes are getting louder. Have we been out-manuevered and cut out of the GK loop? It would fit the anxiety which was already well-nourished by his daughter's financial planning style, listening to the other grandfather's exploits in housing-project lawyering and December's political whiplash.
The other grandfather isnae the only housing project lawyer in my family tree. I am the "Rich Aunt" of my large, over-sexed and rowdy multi-generational welfare family. I have been played by this exly sub-culture more times than I care to count. Letting them *win* is the quickest way to get the game over. Let me know what you want on your trophy and where I should send it, my victorious one. I will wash your trophy in tears for the little ones who will pay the price of your victory. I am far from certain, but I believe there has been disappointment that I didnae give them the opportunity to go up against the best lawyers a "Rich Aunt" can afford. I donae see a point in telling them their measure of "Rich Aunt" is proof of their financial ignorance. Keeping your bills paid isnae a fair measure of wealth by itself. I mostly donae see late fees, etc., as a valid, routine budget item.
But all of that is conjecture and innuendo in the question of whether we will spend the four-day weekend with the GKs. That conjecture and innuendo is on the hysterical edge of my GKs joining my birth family in the sucking black hole of family estrangement.
For now, I am simply plying therapy tools to help me sort and process in the here and now. What will be will be.
Replies
Hugs & support Arfie.
It pains me that you have to go through such a nonsensical game. This should be about the health and welfare of the GK, ensuring that they’re put first and supported by all regardless of the games going on between the adults.
I’ve had to go through a similar game wth the father of my eldest and his family years ago. He had basically signed off o letting his aunt & uncle run the whole legal show which was originally only intended to adjust his chid support payments after he lost his job because the company went under. Oblivious, both of us were unaware that his family had gone on the proverbial ‘witch hunt’ and sued for full custody. Just remembering the utter lies and ridiculous accusations that filled the first papers filed with the court tweaks my anger nerves.
Severely offended by the content and angered by the out right lies, I refused to communicate directly with my ex for over 6 months as the attorneys battled it out, until my ex’s mother intervened. She too had been unaware of what was going on and had been a single mother of four boys without any support at all from her ex husband. When she found out about all the BS she set up a meeting between me and my ex to figure out what the hell was going on.
Typically he’d never bothered to read any of the documents and had absolutely no idea that his family had completely gone against his wishes to have support adjusted. In the end, he fired his attorney and we resolved it privately through my attorney but to my personal cost of $15,000.
It was a dreadful experience, especially since during the middle of all of it I had been diagnosed with cancer.
My heart goes out to you Arfie, especially because I’ve experienced how the custody battles always are more about the petty wars between the adults with very little thought for what is in the best interests of the children.
Saying prayers, and standing right with you as you work through this. You have the strength and heart, the hard learned wisdom and genuine concern & best interests of you family in your heart.
Hugs, support & love!
Oh the webs of having to deal with emotional, can't think of any other words..heart breaking warfare..when the best interests of children are involved. Would a possible meet with cps case manager, with "apt" be a possibility...in CT the law requires Grand Parent visits if they want them.
Prayer Hoping the 4 day visit will happen! Sort Supports!! ml
In my heart, the greatest tragedy is that I don't know anybody who hasn't been ensnared in divorce and/or custody battles in one role or another. Not even within my "Third World" network. I often wonder if the only *winners* are the folks who manage to keep their estrangement-free family court at the kitchen table. Dunno. . . I've never met one. I have no claim to that trophy, myself. Just dreaming. . .
The good news is that the therapy exercises (mostly mindfulness) seem to be staying effective through this spin on the not-so-merry-go-round. The herb distilling center moved quite nicely into the niche which still holds some of the antique pasteurization equipment from the dairy days. Hubby's work station is breathing more freely in the extra space this morning while I shift my focus to finishing touches on the other half of the box room. It is likely that the rest of the clutter in the repurposed lab room will find its place in that box room. Bees and herbs are good running buddies.
There is a nice bloom of shepherd's purse in progress. I just might harvest a batch for the still.