Guilt?
A common theme on the cheaters page is the immense guilt, feelings of doom and self loathing, a secret burning your soul begging to escape.
I don't feel any of that. Sometimes my tummy flutters with an "oh no what if.." but then I release that feeling. And choose to be greatful for the gift of loving two men instead of living in the future. Maybe I'm just a crazy witch, but here is my justification:
My first responsibility is to take care of me. For years I have not just been lonely or horney, but in serious psychological pain, often suicidal. In addition to that my marriage has taken a huge shift with both of us changing jobs and seriously altering our daily routines. My husband was not only unable to help with my trauma, but he's not meeting many of my needs that he used to. I have been working tirelessly to improve myself and my relationship. My husband has not.
My first responsibility is to take care of me, and so many times in the last 10 months I have been on the edge of not having a 'me' around anymore. My husband wasn't enough. I read a quote in a book once, and it comes back to me when I'm in a dire place, "make no excuse for surviving." Additionally my AP said in AA they tell the addicts that sometimes you have to choose your addiction, instead of choosing perfection. My AP also said he was okay with being my addiction, my negative habit that brings me relief and light.
My second responsibility is to my spouse, as we vowed it to be 5 years ago. I vowed to love him in sickness and in health, through all of the bad, and to stay by his side. My loving another man does not negate any of this. I actively do the best I can to meet his needs. I actively do whatever I can to please him. I ask him if he is happy with us, what he needs from me. I cherish our relationship and actively work to be greatful for everything he provides in my life, even if it's not enough to meet my needs. Although I am a cheater, actively viewed in society as being the worst kind of person, I do everything I can outside of that to be a good person and to build our relationship.
I had a potentially denial ridden statement pop into my brain, and I go back to it when I need to; "if love is something that breaks our marriage, then our marriage wasn't strong enough in the first place." As much as I dread my husband finding out and the pain that it will cause him, I still choose to take care of me first.
I also know I have the 'benefit' of being 2,000 miles away from my AP. As much as I want to hold him and be with him, right now it is all long distance. It's not an easy path, I'm in a poly V without my husband knowing. I love and cherish two people and want to give my all to them both. I know that the state I'm in now won't last forever. Either one partner will leave, or the other, or both. But I make no excuses for surviving. I choose to stand at the crossroads and be greatful for everything I have. Even if it's not the easiest solution, emotionally, mentally, or for the future. I stand here, even if I have to remind myself of my good decision and why I'm where I am.
Replies
I see you haven’t posted in a awhile, and well, neither have I! I missed seeing this journal til now. I hope you’re doing well, and there is so much in what you write here that I understand and have said myself. Love begets more love, or at least it should. If my affair “saved “ me from depths of despair (in some shape or form or another) and helped me be a better person, AND I had so much fun and fulfillment through it, then how could it be bad or wrong? And does causing someone else I love so much pain make it wrong, even if it is at my expense for Christmas noketeness and happiness? .... on the surface and immediate sense, yes, it is wrong, but look past that and I can’t deny how right and important to my soul and everyday being my relationship with my AP is. So. I live with the combatting sensibilities, and often I end up mentally fighting the concept of right/wrong in general! In my case it may well be more the fault of not fully loving my husband in a “marriage” way (forgive my shorthand here) in the first place, and what you said about society hating “cheaters” above all else. .... frankly I think it is from fear and an example of how simple and petty minded the general populace is - cheatng is an easy target for judgement. The fragility and close personalness of the hearts emotions make it an easy target for people to love to hate on. It’s ugly and terrible, but a sign of how many people can’t manage to understand complexity.