Guess who's back?
I am back to the website and my profile for more support as i think i might have lost everything.......again!
Happy on the outside but really not that happy in my heart and head i knew it was going to happen, it was just when. We had just moved in together and building something really good. But something inside me was just not quite right. I had started a new job, all within one month of the new house and it looked great, there was nothing stopping me now. Well, that's what i thought.
21 and I was in a great relationship with my first love. Someone who I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with. A beautiful young woman and I couldn't believe she felt the same way towards me. We had been together 3 years and life was amazing. I had my pals, my wonderful girlfriend but then something happened. Thinking of it now I'm not quite sure? At that time i was smoking a lot of weed, wasn't in any kind of full time work, and not really any qualifications. My girlfriend had OCD in a MASSIVE way. It was terrible. It changed both our life's. It was more worse for her as she had to live with it 24/7 but I played a big part in that as well. I would stay at her house, my Dad and step-mum fell out with me for a while and didn't want anything to do with my girlfriend. I think they were looking out for my own interests, but she was the love of my life and I hated seeing her that way. Her mum was a really nice person, and took me in as one of her own. I know that she was only doing what was best for her daughter, but we did all get on really well. Looking back at that time and I'm sure everyone looking back at when they were 21 would say the same thing, "I wish i had done that different". But i really do wish i could have seen that time back and changed a lot of how i felt with it all. I think we both lived with that OCD for and 2 years, I can't really remember, but that's roughly how long she had it for. But around the time when i was 21 i first discovered that i had depression.
At the time i thought it was a phase, and before i try and explain things about my past i have to tell you this, I am completely rubbish at English, my memory is awful and i find it hard to explain things in text. So anyway, I thought that this was just a phase I was going through as I knew i felt sad at time throughout my life up in till i was 21 that i had been through some bad times. There was no deaths or that, but just incidents in my life that made me sad, scared, weak, alone and so on. My mum and dad had broken up when i was about 6/7. I stayed with my Dad and my 2 brothers and not long after that my dads new girlfriend moved in with her two girls. I was the middle child in my family and found it hard at times. My big brother took the break up really bad and my dad found it hard to cope with him. He used to get on at me and never include me in this with my other brother. i always felt distant from them. My younger brother was OK with me back then but as soon as my big brother came into the scene, i was pushed away. I guess that all started when my aunt and uncle, my god mother and father took me to London and my brothers never got to go. i guess my big brother took that as an insult and always bullied my for it. don't get me wrong, we are good friends now, and we could be better. so that was one thing, when i started school i wasn't the brightest. i was in all the bottom classes. really struggled in school. went to a speech therapist before i started school cause i could pronounce certain words, which i still can till this day. i never really got bullied at school for which i'm grateful as growing up i seen close friends of mine get bullied and even i admit taking part in some bullying myself. Looking back on it i totally regret it, as i think bullies are the worst people in the world.
There was other small things that happened but on the whole, i think i had a good up bringing for what i had, a loving mum who i used to see most 2nd weekends, if not i would be at my aunt and uncles, which my brother hated cause he thought i was choosing them over my mum. I had great friends growing up. i don't see much of my childhood friends anymore but i do have a wide range of friends still and some i still keep close too. I started getting confident as a person round about 15. I guess that's when me and my brother started getting on and going to the football together and liking the same music, going to some music concerts together. i started a band up and i was the lead singer. i started smoking weed then, i even tho i did drink now and again, it wasn't' really my thing. i didn't like the taste and didn't really like the feeling of not feeling like me when i did drink. but party's happen when your 16, 17 and you do it cause your friends are doing it and its a cool thing to do then. but i was never looking to get drunk. If i did, i did but i wasn't looking for it. When 18 came that's when the smoking weed came.
Listening to Eminem changed my life. I remember that day so well. I must have been about 17 and I was back home for my lunch as i used to do at school and on MTV came this white guy rapping about cool and funny things. I could relate to him for some reason? I could see something in the way he was that was so cool! I had listened to and got CD's of Will Smith and liked 2 PAC, just certain songs but this Eminem guy was just what I was looking for, I wanted to hear more. I got his Slim Shady LP and i could not stop listening to it. I can't imagine how many AA batteries I went through listening to that album on my Personal CD Player but it was worth it. I started dressing like him, talking like him and anything i could read or listen about him i got it. I even printed out every lyric on that album so i could read it over and over and make sure i knew every word. Then that's when i started smoking weed. I wanted to hang round with the bad guys. A brotherhood of people who cared for me but were from a bad background. I thought this was the life i wanted. It would be so cool to have a gang of people who would look out for you know matter what, be by your side and i had that. it was great. I started working and making money to feed my weed and Eminem habit, and all was good. I knew i wasn't really making my dad proud going through this phase but i'm sure all he wanted for me was to be happy. And he was happy with his new girlfriend, we didn't do much together. My big brother had moved away and it was me, my wee brother and my step-mums kid who was about 6/7 when i was 18/19.
I felt sorry for him not having any brothers and knew what it was like feeling alone as a kid even though i had 2 brothers i gave him all the time i could. Even to this day we are great brothers and he still looks up to me.
18/19 I started taking things a bit further when it came to partying. Went onto harder drugs and more alcohol. I had just started working in a shop in the city at the time and it was amazing going out with colleges getting drunk and taking drugs. Then once you think your on top of the world the police come to the door. Me and my friends had got caught up at a riot at a music festival and got done along with 16 other people with £250,000 worth of damage. Was taking to he high court and sentences to 300 hours community service and £900 fine and that was me getting off really good. Long story short, these riots had been going for a few years and the organizers had been getting sick of it, so wanted to make an example of people this time round. I was the worst one there and my lawyer had told me i was the one they were going to use. Phoning my mum the night before my trail knowing i'm going to a jail was not good. especially from a quiet nice guy like me. But i was very very lucky. And that's when i met the love of my life, we'll call her Kate for this.
I had my life with my pals and met Kate months before my trail. I asked her out a few times and she kept saying no, cause she liked someone else but i wanted her and i kept to my guns and finally after months of asking she said if i didn't go to jail she would be my girlfriend. I could understand where she was coming from. The thing was I was 19 and she was 16. I know that sounds terrible but I was in love with her and we both were for a good 6 years together. Its a big part of my life and wish I had been so much older and wiser at the time but I done A LOT of stupid things in my time with her. I cheated , I took drugs, got drunk a lot, used her for money. I was a terrible boyfriend, but i did honestly love her. Its a big long story that could go on for a long time, but i knew round about 21 is where i started feeling depressed and that when all the bad things in the relationship started to happen, the drugs, cheating and drinking. After her OCD when i was about 23, 24 she got a lot of her confidence back and it was a brand new woman. Through her OCD she would lock herself in her room, only be happy when i was there, you couldn't touch or do anything as she thought something bad was going to happen. I lost my job, missed community service a few times, stopped talking to friends and family and felt alone with her. Things were bad, but we were in love and i stood by her, but i knew i could have done so much more looking back at it now, and I've been cheated on now and know how it feels.
After all that, after 6 years, btw i could talk about what me and Kate did for ages, but we broke up and I took it VERY bad. I knew i did wrong in the relationship and i knew then i could have done better but it was to late. I blamed myself, I hit rock bottom and wanted to kill myself. I had nothing. NO friends, no job, no money depressed, addicted to drugs and in a massive hole and seen no way out. I got what i deserved in the end. I kept on saying I helped her through her bad times and now that's shes better she leaves me? But in the end, she done the right thing and I kick myself all the time because of it. We don't talk anymore and she blocks me from all social media sites. I still really don't know how she feels about me and why she doesn't talk to me anymore, i always still think about that. i wish she would but she doesnt even give me a reply. I've tried contacting her but i get no where.
Anyways, I think that's when the weed stopped and the drink took over. I still have the odd puff now and again and think it's not a bad thing. I know drink is worse. I've been about working here and there and had other girlfriends here and there but i always fucked up things and it was the drink that did it. Gambling and drinking and not been good with my money has left me with nothing.
I'm 31 now. I met a girl 2 years ago and she was amazing for me. I did have the odd slip ups with drink but nothing to bad. But with the last girlfriends i had the could tolerate the rink but my new one didn't. never did. i think she had an alcholeic boyfriend that ruined her life so that's why she is like this with me. But i think it's a good thing but we fell out the other week through my drinking and now i'm back at my mums, lost my job, my house, no money and I'm back to the start. ?????
WTF???
So, i know i have to deal with this depression. i have been on and off tablets for the last 10 years. But i never stick in at them. The longest i took them for was about 6 months then i stopped them. I'm just venting SOME of my story but I know it's time to clear my head of all the shit that's in it and start again.
Happy on the outside but really not that happy in my heart and head i knew it was going to happen, it was just when. We had just moved in together and building something really good. But something inside me was just not quite right. I had started a new job, all within one month of the new house and it looked great, there was nothing stopping me now. Well, that's what i thought.
21 and I was in a great relationship with my first love. Someone who I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with. A beautiful young woman and I couldn't believe she felt the same way towards me. We had been together 3 years and life was amazing. I had my pals, my wonderful girlfriend but then something happened. Thinking of it now I'm not quite sure? At that time i was smoking a lot of weed, wasn't in any kind of full time work, and not really any qualifications. My girlfriend had OCD in a MASSIVE way. It was terrible. It changed both our life's. It was more worse for her as she had to live with it 24/7 but I played a big part in that as well. I would stay at her house, my Dad and step-mum fell out with me for a while and didn't want anything to do with my girlfriend. I think they were looking out for my own interests, but she was the love of my life and I hated seeing her that way. Her mum was a really nice person, and took me in as one of her own. I know that she was only doing what was best for her daughter, but we did all get on really well. Looking back at that time and I'm sure everyone looking back at when they were 21 would say the same thing, "I wish i had done that different". But i really do wish i could have seen that time back and changed a lot of how i felt with it all. I think we both lived with that OCD for and 2 years, I can't really remember, but that's roughly how long she had it for. But around the time when i was 21 i first discovered that i had depression.
At the time i thought it was a phase, and before i try and explain things about my past i have to tell you this, I am completely rubbish at English, my memory is awful and i find it hard to explain things in text. So anyway, I thought that this was just a phase I was going through as I knew i felt sad at time throughout my life up in till i was 21 that i had been through some bad times. There was no deaths or that, but just incidents in my life that made me sad, scared, weak, alone and so on. My mum and dad had broken up when i was about 6/7. I stayed with my Dad and my 2 brothers and not long after that my dads new girlfriend moved in with her two girls. I was the middle child in my family and found it hard at times. My big brother took the break up really bad and my dad found it hard to cope with him. He used to get on at me and never include me in this with my other brother. i always felt distant from them. My younger brother was OK with me back then but as soon as my big brother came into the scene, i was pushed away. I guess that all started when my aunt and uncle, my god mother and father took me to London and my brothers never got to go. i guess my big brother took that as an insult and always bullied my for it. don't get me wrong, we are good friends now, and we could be better. so that was one thing, when i started school i wasn't the brightest. i was in all the bottom classes. really struggled in school. went to a speech therapist before i started school cause i could pronounce certain words, which i still can till this day. i never really got bullied at school for which i'm grateful as growing up i seen close friends of mine get bullied and even i admit taking part in some bullying myself. Looking back on it i totally regret it, as i think bullies are the worst people in the world.
There was other small things that happened but on the whole, i think i had a good up bringing for what i had, a loving mum who i used to see most 2nd weekends, if not i would be at my aunt and uncles, which my brother hated cause he thought i was choosing them over my mum. I had great friends growing up. i don't see much of my childhood friends anymore but i do have a wide range of friends still and some i still keep close too. I started getting confident as a person round about 15. I guess that's when me and my brother started getting on and going to the football together and liking the same music, going to some music concerts together. i started a band up and i was the lead singer. i started smoking weed then, i even tho i did drink now and again, it wasn't' really my thing. i didn't like the taste and didn't really like the feeling of not feeling like me when i did drink. but party's happen when your 16, 17 and you do it cause your friends are doing it and its a cool thing to do then. but i was never looking to get drunk. If i did, i did but i wasn't looking for it. When 18 came that's when the smoking weed came.
Listening to Eminem changed my life. I remember that day so well. I must have been about 17 and I was back home for my lunch as i used to do at school and on MTV came this white guy rapping about cool and funny things. I could relate to him for some reason? I could see something in the way he was that was so cool! I had listened to and got CD's of Will Smith and liked 2 PAC, just certain songs but this Eminem guy was just what I was looking for, I wanted to hear more. I got his Slim Shady LP and i could not stop listening to it. I can't imagine how many AA batteries I went through listening to that album on my Personal CD Player but it was worth it. I started dressing like him, talking like him and anything i could read or listen about him i got it. I even printed out every lyric on that album so i could read it over and over and make sure i knew every word. Then that's when i started smoking weed. I wanted to hang round with the bad guys. A brotherhood of people who cared for me but were from a bad background. I thought this was the life i wanted. It would be so cool to have a gang of people who would look out for you know matter what, be by your side and i had that. it was great. I started working and making money to feed my weed and Eminem habit, and all was good. I knew i wasn't really making my dad proud going through this phase but i'm sure all he wanted for me was to be happy. And he was happy with his new girlfriend, we didn't do much together. My big brother had moved away and it was me, my wee brother and my step-mums kid who was about 6/7 when i was 18/19.
I felt sorry for him not having any brothers and knew what it was like feeling alone as a kid even though i had 2 brothers i gave him all the time i could. Even to this day we are great brothers and he still looks up to me.
18/19 I started taking things a bit further when it came to partying. Went onto harder drugs and more alcohol. I had just started working in a shop in the city at the time and it was amazing going out with colleges getting drunk and taking drugs. Then once you think your on top of the world the police come to the door. Me and my friends had got caught up at a riot at a music festival and got done along with 16 other people with £250,000 worth of damage. Was taking to he high court and sentences to 300 hours community service and £900 fine and that was me getting off really good. Long story short, these riots had been going for a few years and the organizers had been getting sick of it, so wanted to make an example of people this time round. I was the worst one there and my lawyer had told me i was the one they were going to use. Phoning my mum the night before my trail knowing i'm going to a jail was not good. especially from a quiet nice guy like me. But i was very very lucky. And that's when i met the love of my life, we'll call her Kate for this.
I had my life with my pals and met Kate months before my trail. I asked her out a few times and she kept saying no, cause she liked someone else but i wanted her and i kept to my guns and finally after months of asking she said if i didn't go to jail she would be my girlfriend. I could understand where she was coming from. The thing was I was 19 and she was 16. I know that sounds terrible but I was in love with her and we both were for a good 6 years together. Its a big part of my life and wish I had been so much older and wiser at the time but I done A LOT of stupid things in my time with her. I cheated , I took drugs, got drunk a lot, used her for money. I was a terrible boyfriend, but i did honestly love her. Its a big long story that could go on for a long time, but i knew round about 21 is where i started feeling depressed and that when all the bad things in the relationship started to happen, the drugs, cheating and drinking. After her OCD when i was about 23, 24 she got a lot of her confidence back and it was a brand new woman. Through her OCD she would lock herself in her room, only be happy when i was there, you couldn't touch or do anything as she thought something bad was going to happen. I lost my job, missed community service a few times, stopped talking to friends and family and felt alone with her. Things were bad, but we were in love and i stood by her, but i knew i could have done so much more looking back at it now, and I've been cheated on now and know how it feels.
After all that, after 6 years, btw i could talk about what me and Kate did for ages, but we broke up and I took it VERY bad. I knew i did wrong in the relationship and i knew then i could have done better but it was to late. I blamed myself, I hit rock bottom and wanted to kill myself. I had nothing. NO friends, no job, no money depressed, addicted to drugs and in a massive hole and seen no way out. I got what i deserved in the end. I kept on saying I helped her through her bad times and now that's shes better she leaves me? But in the end, she done the right thing and I kick myself all the time because of it. We don't talk anymore and she blocks me from all social media sites. I still really don't know how she feels about me and why she doesn't talk to me anymore, i always still think about that. i wish she would but she doesnt even give me a reply. I've tried contacting her but i get no where.
Anyways, I think that's when the weed stopped and the drink took over. I still have the odd puff now and again and think it's not a bad thing. I know drink is worse. I've been about working here and there and had other girlfriends here and there but i always fucked up things and it was the drink that did it. Gambling and drinking and not been good with my money has left me with nothing.
I'm 31 now. I met a girl 2 years ago and she was amazing for me. I did have the odd slip ups with drink but nothing to bad. But with the last girlfriends i had the could tolerate the rink but my new one didn't. never did. i think she had an alcholeic boyfriend that ruined her life so that's why she is like this with me. But i think it's a good thing but we fell out the other week through my drinking and now i'm back at my mums, lost my job, my house, no money and I'm back to the start. ?????
WTF???
So, i know i have to deal with this depression. i have been on and off tablets for the last 10 years. But i never stick in at them. The longest i took them for was about 6 months then i stopped them. I'm just venting SOME of my story but I know it's time to clear my head of all the shit that's in it and start again.
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